Anonymity has always been QUITE the thing with me. That’s why this blog is super, yaknow, anonymous.
I’m an odd mix of Private, Near-Reclusive Type and Totally Open Book. I’ve been inspired to attempt to define or discuss this today in a way I never have before. It’ll be stream of consciousness (like, isn’t it always?) and there will be no flow. I’m just going with it. Hang in there with me.
Nowhere on this site will you find my last name. My children’s last names. My old last name, my new last name. Kilgore is my fictitious last name and it’s the only one I choose to share publicly. I do not Facebook. I have an old fb page that I haven’t looked at in forever, but even that is not in my own name. The specifics and details that are inherent to facebook freak me out.
I do not use other people’s FIRST names without permission. Certainly no last names.
I do not tell even what TOWN I live in. I do not mention businesses by name that might give that away.
I do not specify my children’s birthdates, a common mommyblogger practice.
If I want to post a picture that has someone in it, it is ALWAYS approved by that person first. If I do not have your permission to use your first name, I will give you a nickname when I wish to mention you in posts. “Lovely Therapist Lady.” Or “HolyCousin” Or “LaLa.” Or “HolyCousin of the Midwest.” If one of these individuals has interesting news in their lives… such as a new baby, etc, I will NOT mention it here without the person’s express approval first. I will not mention any city/town names. I will not mention any workplaces. I have not. I will not.
Some people are compulsive liars.
Some people are compulsive truth tellers.
If I’m not a compulsive truth teller, I am REAL close. Way too close for most people to understand. At work, a common question is “what’d you break, Kelsey?” Or, “what’d you screw up now?” This is because I have a huge need to confess to everyone immediately over any thing I’ve done wrong. ANYTHING. It ends up magnifying my every flaw and fault, but I’m more comfortable with that than keeping it quiet. that seems wrong to me. I DID just forget to charge someone for a .99 cent gift bag and I SHOULD CONFESS. LIKE, LOUDLY. LIKE, NOW. LIKE, OH NO, NINETY NINE CENTS, FIRE ME NOW.
In larger things, I’ve been asked, “Why didn’t you just… LIE?”
Well, I kinda have a real hard time with that. I can lie possibly by omission for small periods of time, but not long ones and if you ask me ANYTHING at all I’ll spill it all.
did you cheat on your husband, as is widely rumored?
NO. I kissed someone when I was 21ish and was so hard on myself about it I never could bring myself to do it again. Although WOW did I want to cheat, like, DESPERATELY, but no I never came closer than that one wrong kiss with someone really weird. (BUT DID I THINK ABOUT IT?! OH MY GOSH, YES, LIKE ALL THE TIME THOSE LAST TWO MARRIED YEARS, AND IF THAT’S THE SAME THING TO YOU, THEN YES. FINE. SOOOO GUILTY, LOTS OF LOST HOURS OF SLEEP.)
See? It’s inconvenient.
Compulsive liars should never marry compulsive truth tellers. Just as a general rule. I think. Makes sense.
I have a NEED for transparency. I do not have a need to tell people’s secrets. I have a need to be able to discuss my own stuff. If I mention I am struggling because my financial advisor ex husband on television and radio is behind on child support or rent (he rents the house we used to share from me and rent is oddly not ever on time and then I have to consider the further damage this does to my credit since it’s in my name and not his), then it is because those are details that are on my mind that day. Details in my life. True details. That’s what I share here, and what I always have.
When i was married, any problem was often met with one of the following:
“Don’t think that.”
“Don’t ever say that.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t believe that.”
“Don’t take that job.”
“Don’t write that.”
“If you do think/say/do/believe/write that, then THAT is the problem and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
It was an effective means of silencing me.
This website was a place where I had more of a voice than any other place in my life. And someone like me, with a need for truth and a need for transparency… ah. That meant a lot. It still does. Y’all didn’t mind if I said what I thought. Or if I wrote what I said. Or if I believed something you thought was wrong. Or any of it. I could tell you the good, the bad, the sinful, the glorious, the ANYTHING, and you were okay with it. There was never a need to shut me up and control me in that way. Not here. I could think what I wanted. And if you disagreed, you disagreed. If you said, I think that’s SO wrong, but i”ll let GOD deal with you on that… then I appreciated your honesty, your faith, and your trust.
I could be human and flawed and wrong and say and think and do and break all the wrong things. And it was still okay. You seemed to like or love me anyway. Maybe even more, because I shared it.
Here, there was more freedom of speech and thought than anywhere else. You were not threatened by my thoughts or words or beliefs. I have always appreciated that about you. Now you know why.
This was never a blog about my marriage. This was never a blog about the person I was married to. Make what you want of it now, but he was hardly mentioned. That simply was not the focus. A passing reference was more appropriate. It still is.
My ex husband has rescinded previous permission for me to use his name here or mention him in any way at all.
Ummmm. Okay, that made me laugh. I admit it. Also, why in the world would he be reading this? And…. I think it’s funny to request not to be mentioned in an anonymous blog by first name only, but OKAY. I can do that. I think it’s SILLY, but hey, OKAY.
Not mention him in any way…..?
Well that’s weird. I WAS married to him for 16 years and we do have a lot of kids together and I do have to see him and our finances are tied together in ways we both hate and cannot escape and I DON’T KNOW, but that seems a bit overly reactive and controlling and bizarre. I mean, it IS my life and as far as that is concerned, a PASSING reference here and there is still appropriate.
But I took the request seriously. I prayed. I researched my first amendment rights. I researched blogging rights. Defamation, etc. I seriously considered how in the world I should or could honor this asinine request. I mean, I won’t be silenced anymore. And my voice is my voice, HERE, at least as always, and it sure isn’t going to be shut down now…. ?
Then I remembered. The ex used to tell clients to read this site. (no, i am not even kidding.) I would FREAK out and tell him to stop that and make sure he knew I would not change or edit or water down any content that I would have normally written anyway. I suspect that might be part of this. Whatever. This is a very small blog. Very few of you precious people are even there, and yet… so threatening, somehow.
I do not plan on revealing the TRULY despicable things that occurred during our marriage because I just DON’T. At this point. But legally, COULD I choose to do so? Yes. Now I know that. Since I’ve done all my research. Since I took that request seriously.
Thank you for hanging in there through this rambling monologue.
For future reference, the role of “Mike” will now be played by “Claude.” All pertinent character details remain the same.