( Following up on [this post], today. )
While Mike drove us to church, I frantically tried to get white cat hair off my black wool coat, using the sticky side of the clear packing tape i’d brought just for this purpose. We arrive 4 minutes late.
The church meets in a children’s science museum, which is closed on Sunday mornings – now you see why they have a building project and are eager to sell us land so we can help finance said building project? Since we’re late, and I am NERVOUS, we duck straight into the service, and I lead us to the back rows on the far side where there are lots of empty seats. Perfect.
Until ten minutes later I realize that in this room of 300 people – we are the only ones with children. It’s 296 adults, and our 4 children, 2 of whom are playing tug of war with a Bible, and that’s NOT the impression we’re going for, thank you very much, and 1 of the kids is trying to decide if he’s hungry. That’s Seth-4mth, of course, and that would be my fault entirely since I am his sole food source and it’s been a couple of hours.
I ask Mike if he wants me to find the other children and take ours to join them, and the answer is no. Then he almost immediately changes his mind, and I do not even want to know what one of our kids did to make him look at me and say "YES. NOW. THAT WOULD BE GOOD."
So I take Ethan-5yr and Caden-2yr by the hands, and we shimmy past two people – politely and apologetically. I find the other kids, and after filling out 2 part, carbon copy style paperwork, I can leave Caden-2yr with his class. He’s happy.
1 down, 1 to go. I fill out 2 part, carbon copy style paperwork (isn’t that a little over the top?) for Ethan-5yr and a nice man tries to show me where the five year olds meet. Remember, we’re in a children’s science museum. We go to two wrong classrooms, downstairs, and Ethan-5yr is thrilled to be able to see the Tyrannosaurus Rex in near darkness, not roaring, as it is his day off. We pass by lots of displays and exhibits Ethan-5yr really wants to go explore, but we press on.
I’m wearing The Wrong Shoes. We do not find the class. The nice man apologizes, and we go back upstairs so he can ask directions. He’s gone awhile and Ethan-5yr and I look at another dinosaur exhibit while we wait. We follow the nice man baaaack downstairs, past the Tyrannosaurus Rex who is not roaring as it is still his day off, and eventually find the missing 5 yr old class. Ethan-5yr is ecstatic, and off he goes.
I find my way all the way back to the room with the adults, shimmy past two people – politely and apologetically – and sit next to Mike. I am so painfully aware of how I am wearing The Wrong Shoes.
Seth-4mth is happy to see me, having made up his mind that yes, he’s hungry. I hear the pastor say something about turning to John, chapter 6. I take Seth-4mth, shimmy past the two people – politely and apologetically, and realize the only place to nurse – besides next to the T Rex on his day off – is the bathroom.
I go in, and there are a row of bright purple stalls. Although it’s empty, it smells like Poo. A LOT of poo. Like, maybe a dinosaur amount of poo or something.
I adapt to my new surroundings like a pro and switch to mouth-breathing only, scouting for a place to nurse. I find none. I go in the handicapped stall, as it is the roomiest, and nurse while leaning on the wall. Then I notice a poo shmear on the opposite wall, and quickly straighten. (I don’t even want to know how that got there.) I’m wearing The Wrong Shoes for this, but I end up nursing while SQUATTING. Seth-4mth didn’t have the patience to wait while I spread toilet paper on the seat, so that option was out. Nursing while squatting for 15 minutes? Not good.
Back aching, I go back to the room where the adults were, and shimmied past the two people. Not politely, not apologetically, because I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT anymore, and sit down. Seth-4mth burps loudly. I think that’s my favorite part of the entire morning.
The pastor seems to wrap up the sermon I didn’t hear, then spends 20 minutes going over the vision of the new building project, complete with color brochures explaining ‘phases.’ It comes with a DVD and an envelope for giving to the project.
He mentions that the nice people who are buying the land (that’s us) were invited to be here and he hasn’t seen them, but he wants them to come in a couple of weeks and he hopes to introduce them then. GAAAH.
We have to do it AGAIN.
Really by that point, I just wanted to RUN to The Front and say, "Here we are! I’m Kelsey. This is Mike. He’s the one with all the bucks buying your land and helping you meet your ‘phase 1′ goals. Praise God and hallelujah to heaven for y’all getting a place where you don’t need hiking boots to take a five year old to class. There’s a need in the Kingdom! Can I get an amen? So let’s give generously RIGHT NOW so that the church can have kids ministry in the same zip code as the adults ministry, and maybe even some air freshener for that bathroom. Now who will give to this need, because I’m all for it?!"
And every mother in The Wrong Shoes would have been with me. No DVD or full color brochure required.