I’ve had a rough night. 50% of the kids in this household went nuts simultaneously. (yeah, yeah, that’s only 2, but it sounds more dramatic if i break out the percentiles, right?) Nope, don’t wanna talk about it. I want to distract myself with something stupid. So here goes.
Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally tested the "bad things will happen if you’re ever in a car wreck with hole-y underwear" theory? No?! Well, it was something like that. Did your mother ever tell you, "Don’t wear underwear with holes in them. If you’re in a car accident the people at the hospital will see them?"
First of all, my mother never said that. But I heard it enough (from now forgotten sources) for it to sink into my brain. Secondly – why do people say that kind of stupid stuff? If you’re in a car wreck, is the state of your underwear really that important? Is it just a threatening concept, in order to emotionally blackmail you into wearing perfect panties?
Nevertheless, one day in college i was completely out of clean underwear. None. Normally I’d buy more or do laundry before that happened. But I had not. So I went out, fully clothed – seemingly, but without that one important item of clothing. And did the world stop turning? no. Did I feel weird, a little dirty, and wish i had done my laundry like a real grown up? well yeah. And also? ALSO…?
Yep. I had a car wreck. And don’t ya know the first thing rushing through my head was NOT, ‘am i ok?’ or ‘Have I killed anyone?’ It was "OH MY GOSH, I BETTER NOT HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL…. BECAUSE…. GAH!" The horror. I was fine, as was everyone else, and my pantyless self had been the idiot 100% responsible for the accident. Moral? Wear your undies holes or not, avoid car wrecks.
Fast forward two years. It’s a Sunday afternoon, and we go out to eat after church. I’m taking a flight to Chicago that afternoon, and Mike is going to drop me off at the airport after we eat. For some stupid reason, DURING LUNCH, my underwear breaks. Can underwear break? Oh, yes. It can. Spontaneously. For no good reason at all, the little bit on the side can just go SPOING, and there you are with defective, falling off undergarments. I tried to repair. I went to the bathroom and tried to TIE them back on. No good.
Mike thought this was funny, and inconvenient, since I had a plane to catch. "Can’t ya just go without and then dig through your bag at the airport, or once you get to Chicago?"
"MIKE!" I shriek, in the restaurant parking lot. "The last time a car wreck happened, and NOW. I. AM. GETTING. ON. A. PLANE!"
Mike gives me his best ‘please let’s go before you’re late’ look. Clearly, the man did not understand what happens when i go… without. Cars crash, and disasters occur. It would be stupid to endanger a whole plane-load of innocent passengers.
I dug through my bag, ran back in the restaurant to spend even more time in the bathroom, and made my flight. All survived that plane ride, thanks to my brilliant decision to wear underpants.
(Special thanks to the Locastros for reasons they do not really want published!)
I love you.
12:25 am
My “baby” is 18, but old habits die hard. I still carry a huge purse with way too much in it, a leftover from baby and kid days. I used my purse as a receptacle for everything from snacks to whole sets of clothing. One of the few things I DON’T carry is spare underwear…..
Since the safety of the free world rests on you having perfect underwear at all times, you might consider carrying a spare set with you, just in case another spontaneous underwear blowout should happen again. lol
Drivers and air travelers everywhere will be eternally grateful……. 
This post was a blast, lol.
1:08 am
My sisters had this happen. Both have been in bad accidents that coincided with underwear malfunctions. Someone should do a study.
6:28 am
1) I always thought it was a rumor started by Hanes and Fruit of the Loom
2) Until I read the second half of your post.
3) Haven’t done laundry–pull the old men-in-college trick. Turn them inside out.
4) This is so funny my underwear’s in a wad.
7:12 am
Oh, man, you are too funny! Here I am, sitting in the office feeling yucky sick today, laughing my tail off at your “wardrobe malfunctions”. Thank you, I really needed your sense of humor this morning.
I also wanted to thank you for adding the “Word Worth Clinging To” to your blog. I’m really struggling with starting to read my Bible again. You and your posts have helped give me a fresh new respect/approach for being a Christian. I’m TRYING… Just wanted to thank you for the inspiration.
7:24 am
They didn’t GO nuts…kids are ALWAYS nuts! At least mine are…..
Even worse than no underwear or holy undies is when you have your BRAND NEW $20 V.S. undies, (that your hubby absolutly LOVES, on & you have an accident & they have to be CUT off of you & you never see them again & it’s SSSOOO sad.
7:59 am
Okay, there are literally tears in my eyes!!! Too funny!!! Guess its good that you care for your fellow man enough to wear underwear! Now, if only we could convince these people who going around showing their underwear (if thats what you can call a thong) that they need not do such, the world would be a better place!!!
8:00 am
I love this post. So funny.
It only takes ONE kid going crazy to throw off the sanity of the home. Or at least the sanity of the mother. It’s a wonder we even function.
8:43 am
Too funny!
Mary
8:47 am
Seriously, you crack me up!! I love this story.
It made me remember once when I was in an accident and the other lady did a #2 in her pants. I don’t think she cared about anything but her underwear either : )
8:52 am
Stacey said ‘crack.’ Hehehe
9:24 am
He he! Funny story! I guess that also proves why you’re supposed to bring plenty of extra underwear when you go on a trip.
9:42 am
Hilarious, but I’m scared of the Google searches you might get from this post!
10:04 am
hehe great story! I think I need to go underwear shopping!!
chelle
10:12 am
Ohh ho ho ho … I’m grabbing my sides laughing hysterically… can’t catch my breath … call 911 … You are hillarious… and my, but aren’t you a busy girl! So many posts on Monday, I can hardly stay caught up!
I love that you make me laugh so hard!
Now, let me breath.
11:13 am
Eww~is that a thong in the pic? I thought you called those…nevermind
11:32 am
Okay, someone needs to inform you that Granny uderwear never breaks, get some!
11:54 am
Oh my gosh that is totally burned in my brain. Never ever wear holey undies. Never. Ever. Or else bad things happen. I heard this for years over and over and over since 4th grade. It’s sickly engrosed in my brain. And so I never do. (But aren’t the most comfortable undies the ones with the holes?!)
Did you ever hear this one when growing up – too much caffeine will stunt your growth. I heard that over and over from teachers and parents. Perhaps that’s why I stopped growing at 5’2″ – UGH.
12:20 pm
My mother actually told me that theory! I too have had bad things happen when wearing the last resort panties (LRP).
for a joke (warning~my family has very wierd sense of humor)bought me carebear underware when I was 18 for Christmas~~ INFRONT of my “cool” new boyfriend.
Well one day in a rush.. I had LRP’s on– u guessed it carebears.. I had the cutest little outfit on, thought I was oooooh soo cute. I didn’t understand what all the giggles were about.. and how all the sudden everyone knew my then nick name of carebear.. well seeing how I had WHITE capris on… Everyone else was seeing my little purple carebears clearly! And no spares around!
OH,,, all these years later I am still haunted by LRP… someone here at work in passing said something that has entered my mind whenever I start to see the bottom of my panty drawer.. “I Don’t ever wear holie or g-strings when working.. just imagine if something happen to us and they had to cut off our pants.. we know all the squad people and know they talk about what they see on calls… ” So now I live in LRP anxiety.
12:28 pm
So, does that mean that Mom really was always right?!
1:11 pm
I’ve been to scared to not wear underwear.
2:50 pm
My mom always said wear your best underwear to the doctor’s! Although, I’ve hear the car crash one too.
Oh my, you’ve out done yourself once again…and thanks for the linkage I feel incredibly honored to be mentioned in your post. I’m sure you’ll be hearing from my hubby soon!
3:44 pm
LOL… Sorry I can’t type much, I’m laughing too hard that I’m choking.
3:56 pm
So, what’s that white thing with the cherries on it?
And what kind of underwear goes “spoing”? Were they like already way hole-y or did they not posess enough substance to hold themselves together on a good day much less a travel day?
You know what this means, right? From now on, any time I know you’re traveling, I’m going to wonder…
You crack me up!
4:46 pm
Oh, my, thanks for the laught
Shall remember it; always wear underwear!! ..ehe, and don’t wreck the car…
Happy Womans Day
5:44 pm
I’ve heard that before too, although the version I heard was that you should always wear clean underwear in case you’re in a car wreck. Clean underwear? As opposed to what? Dirty underwear? I’d rather wear none at all than dirty. Eewww.
6:55 pm
LMFAO @ 50% of the kids! bwhahahaa
7:10 am
Thanks Kelsey. I already had a fear of flying but now I’ll have to worry about the status of everyone’s underwear on my next flight. Last time it was the greasy-looking guy with the big briefcase that scared me, this time it could be anybody!
9:53 am
Don’t know what happened but when I try to view your blog everything seems to have gone a bit wonky. Everything has gone centered and your links and nav stuff is centered at the bottom of the page.
9:55 am
Giggle. Snicker. Bahahahaha. Snort.
1:28 pm
Hi, first time lurker here, just had to say, have you ever watched LOST? First thing I thought of when I read this post; you’ve hit on the secret! I wonder which of the characters it was…..
I agree with Diane, I’d keep a pair or two extras in my purse if I were you, you seem to have particular bad luck in the underwear department, LOL.
6:26 pm
I need to show this article to my friend at church. He said it was silly for me to pack an extra pair when I went on my first plane trip. Now I know why everything went well. I saved those people’s lives. I’m a hero and didn’t even know it.
10:38 am
This is the funniest thing I have read all week! I’ll enjoy reading your blog, now that I’ve found it.