Tuesday, August 29th 2006
We’re back. It Wasn’t Great.

We’re back from visiting Kim-12yr. I thought it would be easier than last time, or at least not as excruciating. I was wrong.

Whatever.

We were supposed to come back on Sunday, but we drove in on Saturday instead. Mike and I were really annoyed with one another, and emotional and stressed and there was no reason to stay the extra day. We weren’t scheduled to see Kim-12yr that day, it was just supposed to be a day ‘off’ from the Vomit Your Soul type of intense therapy. Ha. Some day off. Not.

Sunday was our tenth anniversary and we were barely speaking. Then we worked it out (translation: Mike gave a heartfelt, LONG OVERDUE apology) and we sat on the couches and stared at each other. Mike mumbled something about our anniversary, and I mumbled something about "for better or worse."

And that was it. No cards, no kisses, no diamonds. I’m so surprised that I’m okay with that. But really…? It’s okay. I love him. He loves me. We’re in this thing for good. And this is just where we are right now. Maybe eleven years of marriage will be something different, but ten is okay for just what it was: lame. Meeting no romantic delusions or fantasies in any way.

Real.

Ok. Real depressing.

I don’t know why at 1 in the morning I"m trying to make this sound okay and failing miserably. But it WAS just ok, and not awful, and thank you GOD I wasn’t really serious about wanting jewelry or diamonds and then didn’t even get a card, because then it would have been devastating.  And it wasn’t that at all. It was just lame. Hmm. There I go again.

Nevermind. Our anniversary totally sucked worms. We did not look happy, in love, or even as if we knew one another. We probably looked like annoyed mutes, shooting the occasional glance at the other to see if the other were still around and if the other might be finally wising up and getting repentant.

Yeah. That’s better. That’s how it was.

~hm

39 Comments on “We’re back. It Wasn’t Great.”

1
Faith
August 29th, 2006
1:31 am

Kelsey, I’ve been married for almost (Sept. 15th) 28 years! We’ve had the diamonds and pearls anniversaries and we’ve had the sitting on the couch looking like goobers anniversaries. I prefer the former, yet, I’m way past the need for that kind of showy stuff too. I like somewhere in between. Goober ain’t so good – yet happy to be sitting together no matter what!

Happy anniversary! Here’s to next year!!!

2
April
August 29th, 2006
5:52 am

We’ve had both kinds of anniversaries too. Sometimes, in retrospect, the great ones turn out to be lame, and the lame ones turn out to be great. That’s because those lame ones are the REAL ones. Those are the anniversaries that let you know that even in the day-to-day drudgery that can be life, you are not alone. I can understand your disappointment, especially with a “landmark” anniversary like 10 years. But try to remember that 10 is really no different than 9 or 11, it’s just a number. Sometimes we build up too much expectation for those round numbers and then no matter what, it falls flat. Read I Corinthians 13, remember some of the great “lame” moments of your marriage so far, and thank God for them.

3
owlhaven
August 29th, 2006
8:17 am

OK, that second to last sentence goes in my Opinion Saturday contest this week. Too good.

I’m sorry you had a tough weekend…hang in there.

Hugs

Mary, mom to many

4
Big Mama
August 29th, 2006
8:19 am

You know what? People who claim to only have diamonds and flowers anniversaries aren’t necessarily real. I’ll take the reality because ultimately the hard, bad times are what make you closer. Sorry you had a tough weekend.

5
Laurel Wreath
August 29th, 2006
8:27 am

You just made me feel better. Hubby and I did not do much for our 10th, it came, it went, we said we love each other. It is just life was going so fast. NOW, everyone I know kept asking “what did you do, what did he get you, did he go way out because it was your 10th”..
And I had to say “ummm, no. We spent a night together, um..watching TV just relaxing together”. And I was totally fine with that, becasue I knew he was under a lot of pressure at work, etc. But I was NOT totally fine trying to explain that to everyone. Oh well we (I mean I) got over it.

I love him dearly, we are in it for the long haul, there will be chandelier dancing after the kids move out =))

6
corinabowen
August 29th, 2006
8:28 am

Thats what we love about you gal.. REAL.
I am sorry your trip went bad and the stress of the situation splashed on your anniversary.. This reminds me of something I heard Jesse Duplantis say about how when him and his wife argue … “I think, Jesse.. now its not the Personality(of my wife) I am talking to but the Principality.” (Eph 6:12) He went on to say when his wife said something “grouchy” he would say “hello Principality.. I see you in there..I rebuke you.”~~~~ He had some good points that made me think….. But I sure do know one thing… if Sim would have said that last line to me….. wooooooo-dooggggie they couldn’t make enough milk cartons to find him!
(Duplantis did admit he only did this while she was in another room, and under his breath)

7
Heather
August 29th, 2006
8:37 am

I would say “happy” anniversary, but that doesn’t really seem like the appropriate word in this case. Here’s to another year of battles, insecurity, frustration – oh and all those other good things like companionship, support, and laughter.

8
Diane
August 29th, 2006
9:55 am

Congratulations on your anniversary–no matter how you marked it! I’d say–it’s fodder for a REAL reality show! I love how authentic you are! I’m sorry that it wasn’t a tremendously fabulous day–but maybe you are right–we should redefine fabulous! After all, fabulous is being humble, being patient, being faithful–even when it is difficult! Remembering our vows, a covenant made with God after all—is pretty darn fabulous!

I think we all know the disappointment of a fabulous-mis-fire. It’s when we live each day as if it were marking our anniversary….that we hit the target! For that–I think you’ve hit the bulls-eye!

Re: your visit with your daughter….keep praying! We’ll keep praying! Your family is a work in progress…..now that’s something to celebrate! You didn’t come pre-packaged-perfect! Your walk through this represents fabulous…….you’re not avoiding, you’re not in denial…you are a shining example (brighter than any diamond) of love in action!

Way to go!

Diane

9
millicent
August 29th, 2006
10:15 am

awwww…at least you guys made up, and you know that the love is there! we just made 5 yrs and every year is better–but i’m sure that somewhere along the way we’ll have one of those blah anniversaries.
we’ve also never actually celebrated anything on our anniversary–our family is so far away and well, we don’t get a sitter all that often.
happy anniversary (late!)

10
Amy
August 29th, 2006
10:24 am

I’m sorry about your weekend and anniversary. But it does sound like you have a husband that loves you and you love him…stress makes you crazy and mean sometimes. No excuse but it is real. Hope you can celebrate another time!

11
Stacey
August 29th, 2006
10:24 am

Sorry to hear about your trip with Kim. Sounds like you guys are all really going through it right now. I’m continuing to pray for all of you during this rough time!

About your anniversary… this weekend get a babysitter and go out for a date! Maybe it will be good for both of you!!

12
Jan
August 29th, 2006
11:16 am

Love, after all, is a verb. It is also an act of will. Some days, like last Sunday, love just bubbles up in me, so strong, so overwhelming, all I could do was hug my darling and grin. Other days, I *will* love, whether I feel like it or not. Even if it is an anniversary. ;)
Keep on being real. That’s why I come here!

13
Rebecca
August 29th, 2006
11:35 am

I console myself that every day being married to my honey is so much nicer than just one or two “special” days a year. Now, after 18 years, he surprises me for our anniversary or Valentine’s Day once in a while, but really, the everyday niceness of being married to a guy who likes me is so much more important.

Not to be insensitive to your tough weekend. I am sympathetic about the varieties of emotional trauma you went through. I’m just not that good at showing it.

14
Susan
August 29th, 2006
11:51 am

Glad to see the update, I am continuing to pray for you, Mike and Kim. I know it sucks right now. Bad days come but the great thing is that bad days also go away and then the good days come. And because of the bad days-you are able to enjoy the good days as well.
I will continue to pray-you continue taking life one day at a time. Come check out my blog-I have a picture I want to share with you-I think you will enjoy it-I will post it right now just for YOU

15
the sassy lime
August 29th, 2006
12:14 pm

sounds like a doozy. i’m glad you guys made up. maybe sometime soon you can go on a nice date — maybe you don’t want to, who knows? i hope yo’ure doing ok — and i hope your daughter is doing better.

16
Blaine
August 29th, 2006
12:52 pm

Kelsey, I will not even begin to presume that I know what you’re going through. Life has some really tough stuff in it. I am so grateful that you and Mike really know about sticking to it “for better or worse”. On that note, things will get better. Here’s a nice reminder of what to do when the clouds are hanging out over our heads for a while. Make sure you have your volume up so you can hear the lyrics.

http://www.myspace.com/hyperstaticunion

17
Lauren
August 29th, 2006
1:37 pm

What a sad title. I was hoping that things would go well this weekend. Sorry.

As fas as the anniversary, I’m sure we’ve all had our share of the not so great ones. I know I have. Hang in there, hun. You’ve got lots snd lots of people praying for you.

18
Heather
August 29th, 2006
1:42 pm

Of all the things I love about this blog, it would have to be your honesty most of all. Life ISN’T always perfect, but if we remember to love regardless, we remember that the same love gets us through the good times and bad!

19
kate
August 29th, 2006
2:56 pm

Oh Lord, we have moments like that when we feel like our marriage is flat lining. But don’t sweat it, Mike’s got the whole year to do something still! I am so so sorry to hear your emotional drain. I can say a million things but how about a cyber hug – squeeze.

20
Shalee
August 29th, 2006
3:21 pm

Sometimes life just sucks. Too bad it was especially sucky for you and Mike on one of your “Big Days”. This just goes to show you that it’s all the other days inbetween that count, probably more than the big day itself.

It came. It sucked. You can move on now. And there is no rule written that says you can’t celebrate your 10th year on any other day of the year. (And if you find that rule, then let me know and I will go scratch it out with a Sharpie.)

Happy Anniversary to a couple who are in the thick of a thing called love.

21
Diane J.
August 29th, 2006
3:27 pm

I’ve been married for almost 21 years and I suppose our anniversaries run the gamut of emotions and experiences. But it’s not the anniversaries that hold us together, it’s the every day life we live together, through thick and thin, good and bad. The bad’s gonna come, you can mark it down. As long as the good outweighs the bad, you’re still doing good. Sorry this weekend was so bad, but better days are ahead. Hang in there, Kelsey.

22
JennG
August 29th, 2006
4:10 pm

*sigh* No one ever said that marriage was all hearts, love, poetry, and passion. Sometimes marriage is just that… sticking it out when you don’t really have the desire. I’m sorry you had such a “lame” anniversary. Maybe next year’s will be different?!

23
JenLo
August 29th, 2006
7:05 pm

Bravo for you, girl. Anniversaries like you just had is what real love is all about. Taking the bad with the good. And believe me, next anniversary will shine next to this depressing one.

24
Stephanie
August 29th, 2006
8:05 pm

So sorry to hear about your anniversary, but I agree with everyone else that has commented, you take the good with the bad and it all works out in the end. Hey at least your anniversary isn’t on Christmas Eve like mine is, you really don’t get any special celebration…..too busy wrapping presents,lol!!

25
Andrea
August 29th, 2006
8:55 pm

Yeah, we’ve had anniversaries like this too. Fighting all the time. Sometimes I think that Satan takes those down, stressful times and uses them against us. I know this is true around our anniversary…every stinkin’ year! I will continue to pray for your daughter and your family. God has a plan, even if it’s really hard right now. Hang in there!

26
cheeriobutt
August 29th, 2006
10:00 pm

Aww. I’m sorry your tenth was lame. Our tenth was lame this year too. Wow. Big surprise! It seems like everytime we should be spending some special time on each other, something else comes along and tries to break it up. Don’t let it though because I have noticed that marriage is like a roller coaster and if you can get through all of the trudging uphill it is worth the thrill of reaching the top and flying down while screaming with joy, or is it fear? Gee my analogy is not helping is it? Well, I was trying to make some kind of cute comparison but, aw hell just hang in there ’cause you and I both know that it always gets better! Hope your week gets better!

27
Heth
August 29th, 2006
10:32 pm

Echoing everyone else: sometimes lame is real life. If everyday in your marriage was perfect, I would know that you two are really just robots. And who wants to be married to a robot anyway? Unless it was a house cleaning robot….. I’ll get back to you about that.

Hang in there. Sunshine is just around the corner.

28
crickl's nest
August 29th, 2006
11:34 pm

Glad you’re back to fine….fine is way; better than annoyed mutes. After 22 years for us, we’ve had an interesting array of anniversaries too. But you’re going through a crisis with 12-yr girl and a crisis like that shows up all over your life right now. Make it through these hard years and your marriage will become a refuge and a reinforced fortress for you both and your kids.

Christie

29
Geekwif
August 30th, 2006
7:18 am

I’m so sorry your trip didn’t go well. I’ll continue praying that things will start looking up. You’ve got a wealth of Christian women behind you out here in blog world and that’s no small thing. God will come through. He always does.

30
Shannon @ Rocks in my Dryer
August 30th, 2006
8:49 am

We’ve ALL been there. Good for you for taking it in stride.

31
GiBee
August 30th, 2006
11:01 am

I recal one Valentine’s Day when my husband “forgot” it was valentine’s day. I was so hurt. I had bought him a gift, and had also purchased some homemade bon bons with raspberry filing for him from the chocolate shop. I was so upset that he forgot Valentine’s day that I threw the precious bon bons up against the white paneled wall. The red raspberry liquid oozed all over the place. It was gross. And I was crying. Because I was hurt.

My husband was chuckling.

Which made it worse.

Then, he calmly reminded me that it was Feb. 13th, not the 14th, and that I “sure had a mess to clean up, didn’t I” …

I was WRONG! I HATE that.

Anyway, happy anniversary. I hear “make-up” anniversary celebrations are really great!

32
Damselfly
August 30th, 2006
11:47 am

Aw, I’m so sorry. With all you had just been through, it’s understandable. There’s no reason you still can’t celebrate your anniversary, though. Hope it will be a good one.

33
momrn2
August 30th, 2006
12:52 pm

Hang in there friend!! The stuff with Kim will take time. That may not be encouraging at this point… but it’s what I found to be true. And time is often very hard to deal with when it hurts so!!!

As for the anniversary. I’m with the others… wrong day at the wrong time. When things “recover” a bit… go celebrate!!

We’ve all been there! (At least anyone that’s willing to be honest would say so) This post is a perfect picture of committment, and that my friend is what marriage is about.

34
mandy
August 30th, 2006
8:43 pm

Kelsey,
I am sure by now, you are feeling much better about it all. I can tell you, last year was our first anniversary and is stunk stinky stuff. I was pregnant and miserable too. I am hoping for better this year.

You both have probably endured much and are so solid, that is what matters. You have a lifetime of anniversaries to make up for this one.

35
Grafted Branch
August 30th, 2006
9:08 pm

Sorry that your 10th anniversary was lame but it is sooooooo o.k. that you’re o.k. with that. No pressure.

On my 10th, we brought our 3 year old daughter to dinner with us because we had no babysitter; scarfed down a mediocre dinner together so that we could get home to watch the last Seinfeld episode ever — and it was lame.

Oh yeah…my husband’s very favorite singer, Frank Sinatra, died that day too (not that that meant anything, really).

At least you won’t forget your 10th! ;) lol?

36
Grim Reality Girl
August 30th, 2006
10:51 pm

Just a thought… but sometimes we reschedule our anniversary or birthday. Why try to force a happy celebration when you are not in the mood or when there is a conflict? Sometimes a week later is a great thing….

Sorry it pretty much sucked….

37
Theresa
August 31st, 2006
12:52 am

You know the song…

“Sometimes we fiiiight just so we caaann maaakeup!”

That’s what I always sing – makeup sex is the best! Go get him girl!!

38
Carol
August 31st, 2006
8:08 pm

Rescheduling sounds good. Invite him on a date. Get a sitter. Get dolled up. Go out to eat. Sans kidlets. Celebrate. ‘Cause, at ten years, you’ve beaten the odds. So, go celebrate your belated anniversary. It’s almost the weekend. It can work.

39
mamak
September 1st, 2006
3:43 pm

We have all of these good intentions and then *life happens* .. we don’t have control over much – but we can control how we look at life. It sounds like you have a really healthy outlook .. you know that marriage can be (will be) tough .. the *for better or worse* part is just that – a small part of what makes you a couple that can make it.
Ok, preaching to the choir here .. but you made me think and appreciate my marriage more too. Our last anniversary was much the same as yours.. but we will be ok.
So will you.

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