Wednesday, January 3rd 2007
A Speculum Story (be warned)

Y’all know how seriously I bug you ladies to be health conscious, and responsible. It happens the 17th of every month, and we get together here to make sure those monthly breast exams are done, right? Today I did the health conscious, responsible lady thing and did the Annual Visit. Yes. You know the one I mean.


The bad news is that my drug use is as out of hand as I suspected she would say, and I’ve been referred to a ‘specialist’ who can evaulate my antidepressant self dosing ‘errors’. Ahem.  (‘Specialist’ is what your doctor says if she isn’t sure you’ll react badly to the word psychiatrist. I wouldn’t, but that’s ok.)

How it usually goes with my doctor is I tell her I ‘forgot’ to shave my legs, she says she doesn’t care. Then she says something like, ‘ok, i’ll be doing this now…’  And then afterwards we talk about shoes. I love that part.

Today was different. I shaved my legs. She still didn’t care, which is fine. She did NOT say ‘i’ll be doing this now.’ (And then we talked about boots.)

This warning ‘here it comes’ thing is critical for me. Critical. My line of sight was blocked with the giant paper napkin, so the COLD beginning of the exam, paired with nervousness and mostly just the total lack of warning…. well. I screamed.  I mean. SCREAMED.

I wasn’t in pain. No pain at all. Just very, very, very surprised.

The office is under construction, so it was very echo-y. What happened next is a bit of a blur, but I believe my horrified gaze met hers, just over the giant paper napkin, and then we laughed.

I totally psyched myself up to look calm and aloof and "Nope, wasn’t me. I was NOT the screamer" as I walked out through the crowded waiting room on my way to the parking lot. 

Terrified expectant mommies and daddies filled that waiting room, probably thinking someone had given birth without an epidural back there. And in light of that, it might have been kind to set their minds at ease. To say, "Hey. You’ll be just fine. You won’t scream like that. No one was being tortured, or having really painful contractions. It was just an unexpected and cold start, and then there was talk of boots. That’s all." 

Yeah. That might have been the kinder thing to do, but these boots just kept on walking. 


25 Comments on “A Speculum Story (be warned)”

crickl's nest
January 3rd, 2007
10:31 pm


I hope your ‘specialist’ is just as amusing. ;)

{{hugs}} and a blessed new year to you!

January 3rd, 2007
11:31 pm

oh man, too funnnnnnnnnnnny

January 4th, 2007
12:58 am

Seriously funny!!! Just one thing…I would think a female OB/Gyn would know the “warm the speculum under hot water” trick. You might want to include that in your little chat next time. You know, between shoes and boots. 8^)

January 4th, 2007
1:36 am

brrrrrrr….. doesn’t make me eager to go in next.


Michelle in MX
January 4th, 2007
2:08 am

Goodness. What a situation.

January 4th, 2007
6:56 am

You are so stinkin’ funny.

Jeana, who keeps thinking about calling you but always when I’m in the car and I never transferred those numbers you gave me to my cell phone so all I have is your cell phone number which I remember is lost. (Your phone, not the number.)

Rocks in my Dryer
January 4th, 2007
8:34 am

That SAME thing has happened to me–the screaming. Seriously, they have to warn you.

January 4th, 2007
9:05 am

You always write things so funny! thanks for making me giggle!

January 4th, 2007
9:50 am

Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard. I go in two weeks, guess who I will be thinking of ;) )

January 4th, 2007
9:50 am

Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard. I go in two weeks, guess who I will be thinking of ;) )

January 4th, 2007
10:02 am

I actually, seriously hooted just then. HOOTED for gawd’s sake. Could you warn a person?

January 4th, 2007
10:32 am

I’ve never screamed, but man they need to warn you! I’ve always been warned, and that’s very nice. But, I’ve never had anyone warm it up first…man, that’s a great idea!!!

January 4th, 2007
1:33 pm

Oh my word! I am trying to contain my laughter so that I won’t disturb my boys’ naps. That is the BEST laugh I’ve had in quite some time. I needed that! Thanks!

Frannie Farmer
January 5th, 2007
1:25 am

The situation absolutely, always, with out fail REQUIRES a warning.
You did great though .. so much better than I would have.

January 5th, 2007
8:35 am

I’m wondering if funny stuff like this just doesn’t happen to me or maybe I just need help seeing the humor in things. Either way I always appreciate the laugh!

January 5th, 2007
11:42 am

Oh, Kels… This reminds me of the time I had my first exam. It was with a woman who had no compassion for a first-timer and gave no warning, heating up of the instruments and did nothing slow.

To say that no one heard the gasp from Memphis to Nashville would be an understatement.

I’ve gone with a guy ever sense because most of them will have a little mercy on my body, especially since they don’t have to do it.

Strangely enough, never once have I talked about shoes afterwards…

January 5th, 2007
11:56 am

Oh my gosh! That is soooo funny! I just had abdominal surgery two days ago and it hurt so bad to laugh and I couldn’t help it!!!!
You did the right thing to keep on walking and not reassure the waiting room, lol.
I need to get my dh to a “specialist” to adjust his meds, too. Its been a few years, and now they seem to be ineffective. I hope he reacts as well as you did about going. He HATES his psychiatrist, lol.
God bless,

January 5th, 2007
1:48 pm

I was laughing so hard when I read this. Then I read Shalee’s story and laughed harder. It made me think of the first one I had. My Mom was in the room with me and I started crying and actually said “Ma’am, please stop!” Now I look back and crack up at the whole thing! Thanks for the laughs today!

January 5th, 2007
1:51 pm

I always thought women drs would be more compassionate about that sort of thing, but I’ve found the opposite to be true. I need a dr who would talk to me about shoes. I’m always too self-conscious knowing they’ve seen things that I really don’t like anyone but my husband to see.

(You know, I always wonder what your pastor thinks when he reads your blog.)

Happy New Year!

January 5th, 2007
2:45 pm

No day is complete without hearing a good ol’ speculum story. Thanks for the chuckle.

January 6th, 2007
6:45 pm

That was a hoot!!!!! I’ve almost screamed in that awkward position before. “A little warning down there people!!!!!” NOt the best time for an ice cold surprise.

January 6th, 2007
10:35 pm

i hate it when blogs make me laugh out loud then everyone wants to know what i was laughing at. i didn’t relate your story. but it was very funny.

Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse)
January 7th, 2007
5:51 am

That made me blow coffee through my nose. And then I felt extremely grateful for my gyn, who not only warns me, but warms the thing up, AND puts pretty pictures on the ceiling for my viewing pleasure.

January 7th, 2007
3:12 pm

This had my hubby asking me “what is so funny”, I told him he didn’t even want to know, really it’s a girl thing. I am so thankful for my Obgyn, he is fast and very considerate, he has to be seeing how he has 4 daughters,lol. I dirve almost two hours to his office, my moms lives only 15 minutes from his office so I stay the night that is the other bonus.
Thanks for the laugh:)

January 10th, 2007
3:09 pm

Oh Kelsey….You’re so funny!!! I’m a math tutor and am at work right now in the campus math lab. This post made me downright delirious with peals of laughter!!! The worst part, though, is that the math lab is full of guys right now and they are all looking at me like I am an idiot, and I couldn’t explain it to them if I tried. Sigh….. I know the feeling about the speculum (or as my friend appropriately calls it, “The Duck”). That is too funny. Glad I stopped by. Keep on posting, Kels. You make my day!!! :)

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