Archive for November, 2007


November 7th, 2007 at 8:58 pm » Comments (3)

There are no more Maria Rosa’s Traditional Biscochitos in the house… I order them by mail – silly since I’m always in New Mexico, but I never remember to find them in the stores – and… they’re gone. Seth-2yr has a Biscochito Radar that goes off any time I go near them, and he comes running to ‘help’ me eat them.

I think I’ll just go sniff the last empty bag.

A Fictitious Bug, A Wingless Bug, And a Dead Bug I Kissed

November 5th, 2007 at 10:57 pm » Comments (6)

Right now…
Ethan-7yr is reading to me for homework about a bug named Ben. He’s doing really well.

Caden-3yr is yelling because Seth-2yr keeps stepping on his face. (then Caden-3yr yells more when I tell Seth-2yr to apologize and give his brother a kiss. Seth-2yr’s nose is a little runny, and Caden-3yr wants no part of it)

Seth-2yr is running around the living room, stepping on his brother’s face, while carrying a still sealed, unpopped bag of microwave popcorn. I have no idea why he has it. He’s also ripping the wings off a plastic bug – who is not named Ben, then bringing it to me for repairs. every. few. seconds. but he says ‘thank you’ and smiles a dimply smile at me every time i hand it back. I have repaired the plastic bug not named Ben 6 times since I started writing this. This bug might disappear after Seth-2yr goes to bed tonight.

A couple of days ago I kissed a bug to death. I didn’t mean to. i REALLY didn’t mean to. I’d just come out of a fabric store, put Ethan-7yr and Seth-2yr in the car and was walking around to the driver’s side. I felt it. A small bug landed on my lower lip. And wiggled, but couldn’t get out of my lip gloss. Ick. Not wanting to accidentally eat the bug, I kept my mouth firmly closed, but because I also did not want to smoosh the bug between my lips, i stuck them out. It probably looked like a big pucker. Not that I cared. A guy coming out of the dollar store next to the fabric store did give me a second look but i was too busy to care. Have you ever tried to scream your head off while smooshing your lips into a giant pucker? That isn’t easy. It was very high pitched, but still muffled. I got into the car as quickly as I could, flipped down the mirror, and pulled the (now dead) bug off.

It was tiny, about one third the size of a ladybug. I think originally it was khaki and green, but it was also wearing a glamorous amount of my lip gloss. It sparkled peachy pink, with a decent amount of shimmer that any bug would have been proud to wear, dead or alive.

And because I know some of you will wonder, it was NARS “Orgasm,” with a little DiorKiss “Sorbet Meringue.”

What a way to go!

The Answer to “Who Reads This Stuff, Anyway?”

November 4th, 2007 at 10:14 pm » Comments (6)

Sometimes y’all write and ask who reads here. It’s a reasonable question, and one that is getting asked more frequently, so I thought I’d answer it and then just send people a link to this post whenever they email me asking this in the future. If you’ve never wondered, skip!

1. A huge number of parents who are interested in the Total Transformation Program. I get into email conversations with them about the specifics of the problems they’re having with their kids and try to encourage them to hang in there. That’s the biggest single group, and the one that is most time consuming. (I don’t mind at all)

2. Bloggers and blog readers. Some I’ve met and consider friends, most I haven’t.

3. Friends and family and ‘friends of friends and family.’ No idea who they are unless they tell me. (Usually I prefer not to know.)

4. The Straight Male Group. I’d guess around 20 of them. They usually write and confess that they are reading, and sometimes ask me why. (as if I’d know.) They often assert their heterosexuality, as if reading a mommyblog might actually negate that and so it better be cleared up. (y’all. I really don’t care.) Often they talk about their wives and girlfriends and they never flirt. (Thank you.) Once one of them even felt it necessary to tell me he was not attracted to me in any way and that is not why he was reading me. (no one really needs to go there again – that one guy handled that area for all of you. thanks. so. much.) Sometimes they seek relationship advice, and usually I tell them to dump the stupid sounding girl. I can be harsh, so Straight Male Group members should really not go there unless they want to hear that.

5. The Shallow Like Me group. I love these women. They are an unpredictable lot. They usually find me by googling “david kahn jeans” or a shoe I’ve mentioned. They recognize I’m much like them and they stay. And occasionally they email me asking how to spot counterfeit designer labels on eBay, or if I would mind explaining what it is exactly about David Kahns that make the butt look so much better than any other denim. (Pure genius I do not pretend to understand, dears.) One of this group actually asked if I’d mind taking a picture of my butt in two different brands to demonstrate the difference. Right. You don’t remember that post? Right. It’s never gonna happen, and I knew her for awhile before she requested this, otherwise I would have been very alarmed. (You know who you are, and I adore your thinking – but don’t EVER ask anyone to photograph their BUTT again, girl! No, not even in the interest of higher denim education.)

6. The You’re Not Christian Enough Group. I like these ladies, too. Ooooh, I am a thorn in their side. They mean well. They think I’m often singlehandedly stunting the entire movement of Christianity by not turning this site into a daily Bible study. (dude. it’s just a blog. Don’t understimate the Almighty, okay?) Or when I mention the music I listen to, or almost anything else. (to which I say, hello? I’d suck so bad at the Daily Devotional by Kelsey idea and any attempt would singlehandedly slow the entire movement of Christianity far more than anything else i could ever do, so i’ll just talk about shoes but thanks.) The ‘sorta shallow’ bit is at the top of the page is mainly to warn the members of this group what they’re getting into. They’re more than welcome to stay and discuss the intricacies of lip gloss selection, but that’s as deep as we usually get here. Generally it’s only a matter of time before I offend them and they email me and I try to work it out with them without apologizing for how I am not like them. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I like their conviction, their devotion, and know full well that I’d be friends with most of them if we went to church together. Where I never discuss lip gloss. Actually, where I never discuss anything becuase I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I manage to offend entire Christian groups who have linked to me, then decided belatedly that it was a bad idea. No biggie.

7. the occasional, harmless Freak. Like Jeff. Although Jeff really didn’t fit the mold. Usually this type is weird and sends weird emails. Ignoring will cause him to wander away in less than six weeks, easily. Oh, there was that one time I got myself on the Hate Lists of several sites because I dared say i don’t really like Elton John. That was eye opening. Who knew those Elton fans could be so… well. Nevermind. No sense in going there again.

All sorts of readers email me when i’ve been gone from my site for awhile. Or if I say I’m stressed, or not eating or sleeping much. Or if they think I’m not being really candid about something. (that always makes me laugh. i once wrote a post called ‘a speculum story.’ no i won’t link to it – but there’s just no beating that for candor. unless maybe i photographed my butt in various brands of denim.) Y’all can be a worrisome bunch. I appreciate it, really. And I don’t talk about the stuff that bugs me, but I try not to pretend everything is wonderful when it isn’t. Notice I almost never talk about my daughter. It’s an area of my life that is just not okay. Not even close. So I’ll wait and write about it when there’s a happy ending, or whenever it isn’t so painful that i can write about it in a funny way. Because that’s what I do. If I’m not talking about it, it’s bothering me. Go ahead and pray if that’s your thing, and I’ll be grateful.

One other thing. Lots of times people think they need to email me when they disagree, instead of leaving a comment. It makes no difference to me if you email, but you might just want to comment and see what sort of conversation starts. I’m not offended by your disagreeing with me – and if you have a different designer who in your opinion beats david kahn then i’d be bothered if you didn’t tell me.

Whoever you are, and whether you find yourself in one of the above groups or not, I’m glad you’re here.

A Little Mud Would Be So Nice

November 2nd, 2007 at 9:33 pm » Comments (4)

Didn’t Leanne Wildermuth do a FANTASTIC job? I’m so impressed with how both these sites turned out! She was also the eWebscapes designer behind my first look, so of course I requested her this time around also. It takes a certain patience to get through this process with someone like me – I’m just not technical. Yesterday she asked me to ‘screenshot’ something. Um? Right. She then emailed me links with tutorials on how to do this, then I asked my sister - also helpful, and never did get it figured out. The next request was ‘clear a cache.’ Um…? Right. If you need a website makeover with an extra helping of patience, she’s my recommendation. Thanks, Leanne!

In other news, the fence is fixed. A friend came over this morning, tool belt on, coffee in hand, and got the job done. (Thank you! I could have and would have done it myself, but it was so much nicer this way.)

There is a monster truck in the driveway calling my name. I’m ignoring it, since it hasn’t rained and it’s really so much more fun with mud. Perhaps my methods of stress relief really aren’t that different from Ethan-7yr’s fence destruction after all.

My book is in the ‘cover art’ stage. How fun! Last week it was in the ‘Kelsey, PLEASE write a bio for the back cover’ stage. I really sucked at that, and ended up sending in something waaaaay short of the requested length. I also ended up sounding more like an 11 yr old boy than a 32 yr old mom. “Skateboarding is COOL!” Not that bad, but close.

Would you believe that I get to host another baby shower? I know! Who would dare want one after the last one? (A very good friend, of course.) Now. I have a diaper cake to plan.

No skateboarding. No monster trucks.

Must. Think. Girly.

Broken Pickets

November 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 am » Comments (8)

There is a hole in the fence. A big gaping hole, where an Ethan-7yr sized child strangely decided to RAM his bike repeatedly. He has no explanation. He does have remorse, and that’s something. Later I was wondering what could have possibly caused this unexplained act of destruction. I had an uh oh sinking sort of feeling in my stomach, then quickly dismissed it. There is just no way that it could be related to the car ride home from school, just before the fence ramming session. During that car ride, I might have been singing Styx’s “Babe” in an especially obnoxious manner that the children found offensive. Followed by Linda Ronstadt’s “A Long Long Time” which of course required shaky voice, near meltdown type drama. Then my personal corny favorite, “Please Don’t Look So Pretty” by Dwight Yoakum. Well. I really don’t think that had anything to do with it.

(For the 250-300 of you who show up every day not because you have any clue who I am, but just because you are interested in James Lehman’s Total Transformation program, why don’t you stay? Go ahead. Click here, then add a bookmark. There are hundreds of googlers just like you who came here today – and every other day – for the same reason – so you’re in good company. )