I disappeared for awhile. I tend to do that. I highly value the concept of not being too accessible. This explains my rare inclination to answer the phone, or check emails, and why I’ve managed to lose 2 perfectly good cell phones in the last weeks. I just don’t mind not being ‘connected.’ I don’t want a phone that also has internet capabilities (I don’t even want a phone at all, usually) and I certainly will not be exchanging IMs with anyone. If you want to call me and can’t reach me for a few days, I’m only going to feel guilty in case of a VERY major crisis in your life.
Although most people seem to find this very annoying and inconvenient … I still like it very much.
What I do NOT like very much, or at all, is Caden-4yr’s new social framework. By ’new’ I mean, 2 hours old. Surely it’s still malleable. I picked him up from Pee Tool (how he pronounces PreSchool) and a cute little girl ran out to give him a firm hug goodbye. He blushed. The teacher said they are now ‘quite the item.’ I’m hardly surprised or disturbed by this. It runs in the family.
But then, on the way to the car, Caden-4yr tells me that only SHE is his friend now. (She is a brown eyed cutie who is brand new to the Pee Tool class.)
“Oh? What about so-and-so?”
“No.”
“What about (another) so-and-so?”
“No.”
“Oh. Well. I’m just so glad that SHE is your friend, but I’m also glad that so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so are your friends, too.”
“No. They are not my friends. SHE said SHE is my only friend now. I cannot have other friends, Mom. Just her.” Then he beamed sweetly at me as if he’d just discovered puppies and rainbows for the first time.
“Huh. I’ll get back to you on this one. This conversation is NOT OVER.” Really, y’all. That’s the best I could do at that moment. I wanted to completely undo the feminine brainwashing that had so easily taken place and rearranged his social network. But that’s a big undertaking, and not a Seat of My Pants kind of Parenting Moment. There’s no ‘winging’ that sort of talk. Not for me, anyway - I’m just not that quick.
I can easily rattle off whatever will be effective if two or more of my kids are fighting or arguing or picking each others’ noses. No problem. But convincing Caden-4yr that swearing off all friendships out of loyalty to the new cutie in class is NOT OKAY? I’m still working on it.
Suggestions welcome. (via any way you can possibly reach me, and thank you already.)
6:51 pm
I just stopped by your blog and thought I would say hello. I like your site design. Looking forward to reading more down the road.
Robert Michel
7:42 pm
You will think I am crazy…. but when Wonder Boy was 3 and Super Girl was 4 I laid down the law. There would be no dating until they were AT LEAST 16 (if not 27). It was great to be friends, but there should nothing exclusive. No kidding. This came up at my daycare. I set my foot down. My parents had to explain this to my new “boyfriend” in kindergarten. He learned I could not date until I was 16. It worked for my parents, it worked for me. I told the kids to blame me and to say I was mean if they had to. It worked. Wonder Boy told That Girl that he could be friends and that was IT. We also talked about how true friends don’t limit you on the number of friends you have….
So, blame me. Tell Caden that GRG said he is not allowed to have exlusive relationships. Make me the bad guy — I’m ready!
Also — I am a big fan of “I’ll get back with you on this.” and “We are not done with this yet.” Go Mama!!!!
9:56 pm
um hmmmm. Starts early, doesn’t it? Those gals, I tell ya’. . . . . .
I had a rule for my children, too. We are too young to have boyfriends and girlfriends right now. It’s not time for that. This is the time to be friends with all the boys and all the girls, friends only. After all, how much fun would a birthday party be if you only had ONE guest? huh?
I thought so.
By the way, you want some yellow cannas? tee hee
1:31 am
I am the only mother of a 4 year old that I know whose child doesn’t have a concept of this boyfriend thing. She still thinks she will marry her daddy (and sometimes mommy). This is weird to me cause to be frank she is very advanced in most other areas. She just doesn’t seem to have any understanding that she should be paired off. I am not complaining, I just find it odd. Kindergarten is next year and I am sure this is all right around the corner.
4:21 am
I think you did a great job on the girlfriend issue. It seems like the kids get caught up in the opposite sex game early. Either that or the cute brown-eyed newby at Pee Tool has watched Fatal Attraction. LOL!
Enjoy your semi-solitude. :0)
Hugs
6:09 am
Don’t put it off, looking for the perfect way to tell him. Tell him honestly and directly how you feel. More than likely, other things will come up in the next few weeks that will give you an opportunity to reinforce. Some things that come to mind:
First, we did the same thing as your other commenters, as far as boyfriend/girlfriend, but this is beyond that, this is excluding other friends. I would start by asking how he would feel if New Girl did that to him. Go from there, explaining that’s how his other friends feel. Don’t make out New Girl to be the enemy, or he will feel obligated to protect her. Say you’re sure she hasn’t realized how she and Caden are making the other kids feel, and maybe he could tell her, in a gentle way.
Finally, give him the manhood talk. (Mike would be great at this, I think.) A man does what is right, no matter what other people are telling him to do. A man has to be strong, and you know he can do this because you know what a strong person he is. Let him know you have confidence that he will make the right choice, to include everyone, and that he can be strong and make the right choice but also be nice to New Girl while he’s doing it.
(Overuse of the word strong is intentional. Little boys respond to it.)
1:54 pm
I agree with what’s been said already and will add these two small points: 1) With the example of his older brother’s recent birthday party freshly in mind, point out that having lots of friends is a blessing and makes things like games more fun. He had fun that day so this should make an impression. 2) Remind him of the things he likes about some of his other friends and things he likes to do with them. Not sure The Cutie could really answer all those things, since just one person rarely does.
He’ll get past it. He’s got a big friendly heart. And you to help him.
3:32 pm
Oh, I’ve nothing to help with this… Neither of my kids have shown an inkling in this direction whilst they are young. Even The Girl says “Moooom…” when I bring up anything about boys. We’re safe so far.
But we’ve definitely had the talk about when they can date and what the purpose of it is. We started really early because Mr. Right and I date and they started asking early. The earlier you start, the better. Then it’s just a way of life.
Glad to know that you’re alive and kickin’!
3:31 am
Hi! I blog tagged you. I hope you’ll play along. Check out the tag rules here.
All the best,
K T Cat
3:58 pm
I guess I hadn’t really thought too much about it. My oldest never really went through the “girlfriend” stuff. Seth however is all about his three “girlfriends.” At first I thought it was just cute but now he’s pretending to take them on dates. I’m not sure what to do. I guess I need to take this more seriously and talk with him about it. I’m so glad you brought it up!