Alternate titles:

Two Totally Separate Reasons Why I’m Feeling Kinda Dirty/Trashy Today.

or

If I Thought God Was Punishing Me For Having Watched The Bachelor, At Least He Spared the 3rd Graders.*

I’ve never been good at titles. Which makes it even stranger to try to come up with MORE bad titles when really, all I need is one.

Whatever.

I present: A list.

Because I’m tired. As my mother pointed out earlier. And I said, “Oh no. I’m fine. I just have Tumbleweed Hair because I didn’t have time…” and then she said, “No. It’s not your hair. It’s your face.”

Sigh.

She was right.  It’s my face. My tired face. So. A list.

1. I LOVE the Amazing Race. I could easily go on it and do all the crazy things they do. EASILY. With my mom.

2. But I’d stink at any Amazing Race Detours or Roadblocks that required eating meat, math, talking to people, drag queens (last season, remember…? yuh huh – that would have freaked me out), or getting from Point A to Point B in an efficient manner.

3. That last one is a total dealbreaker. I know. I can’t get ANYWHERE in an efficient manner. I can get lost going anywhere, at any time. Even if it’s to a church I’ve been going to for 10 years. And then have to call and say, “Hey, Pastor…? I’m driving by the prison. What happened and how do I fix it?” Or, like, a million other examples exactly like that.

4. My mother is the most well traveled person I know, and a former travel agent, and she eats meat and can do math. In her head. Like a normal person. And she can get places. She should totally go on the Amazing Race, but she’d be silly to go with me.

5. SOME reality tv – like the Amazing Race – I really love. And do not mind saying so.

6. OTHER reality tv – like The Bachelor – makes me feel gross and dirty and I can’t believe I even watched that and I need to pray and repent for the next year and a half** and then MAYBE I’ll be okay again and I’d rather no one EVER know I watched it.

7. Except I tell y’all everything anyway.

8. So. Maybe my face is tired from all the self loathing that comes with my having watched that particular show last night.

9. I didn’t find the main characters particularly appealing or likeable. Which doesn’t make it better in any way – it  just makes it a different sort of viewing experience than perhaps the show’s creators intended. If you don’t ‘get’ the people, it’s sort of like watching The Bachelor, but starring Shrek. And other green, female people you can’t relate to in the slightest. And that is somewhat entertaining all on its own – but not in a good way.

10. Also in the entertaining, but not in a good way, and what is WRONG with me already category (and yes there is SO. That. Category. Around. Here.) — a pair of black lace panties went to school today. Without permission. Without me.  Without anyone noticing at all. Ethan-9yr’s coat went through the washer and dryer and was pulled from the dryer this morning and put on his body, and off he went to school.

11. Ethan-9yr’s coat has velcro.

12. Black lace likes velcro.

13. Thanks to Mike, the black lace did not make it into the kids’ Christian school where it could have been quite the talk of the 3rd grade today.   (I mean… really? what’s next, Kels? I could just pack a few thongs in the kids’ lunches tomorrow with their sandwiches.)

14. Mike sent a text saying he hung them from the rearview mirror in his truck.

15. I don’t even care, I’m just glad they’re not making the rounds at elementary school today.

16. And yes… if you’re thinking this sounds a bit repetitive – it IS the 2nd public and embarrassing appearance of some highly personal piece of my wardrobe in seriously not very long at all.

17.  As for #14? Mike would never do that. Really. It’s just not him.

18. And I like that about him.

19. I’m going to try to salvage the rest of the day with

a) swearing off future Bachelor seasons

b) voting – somehow missed Early Voting and I never miss it…

c) going to a baseball practice with Ethan-9yr

d) finishing the laundry and putting all of my things away. Far, far away. Where they should stay.

*God does NOT work like that. I know.

** Or like that. I know.

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