Every once in awhile I think that the phrase ‘true confessions’ at the top of the page is misleading and I  should tell you something I normally wouldn’t. Or delete the phrase. And I’m not tech-ie enough to delete it. So I guilt myself into confessing something or other.  Because life is not already hard enough, right?

SooOOooo. True confessions:

1.  When an egg falls from the refrigerator and smashes onto the ceramic tile floor, I take a photo before I clean it up.

And that’s weird and I need to stop doing that.

Although Egg With Cat is a nice, albeit blurry one. I think the 1st and 3rd egg are the same one, actually. There are lots more broken egg pics on my phone that I didn’t bother moving over and posting here. You’re welcome.

(In case you’re wondering why this happens at all, it’s Mike. He puts them in the door. They don’t break for him, but I tend to overzealosly swing open the door with way too much force  every single time because I am just like that – and so his egg placement issues cause problems only for me. I should just open the door like a normal person. I know. But I forget to try to act normal, particularly at home.)

2. This  pic was for a magazine article I wrote but never got published. I think it addressed  male/female roles in sports. Maybe. Something like that. Can’t remember. Mike took it – I like the sky.

3. I dance (badly) when no one is looking. Very difficult habit to break in order to not further injure knee. Mainly ballet-ish. Have whacked shins on kitchen island many a time with impromptu  arabesques.

Do not be fooled into thinking I am graceful. Am not.

4. Can’t bring self to take new photos even though that one over at kelseykilgore.com is old. Have always, always hated having photo taken as long as I can remember. Which is why my face is hidden in the one above one with the truck. haaaaate photos. As a kid, had massive irrational fear of cameras that was way inconvenient on Picture Day at school. But now i have a hilarious collection of school photos of Elementary Kid, Super Scared and Solemn.

5. Kinda dislike people looking at me. Always makes me think I did/said/wore/thought something wrong or else they wouldn’t be looking and I must be in trouble in some way that I just do not know yet.

6. Have strong opinions on the subject of texture, which can be summed up as follows:

Guacamole and facial hair are both swoon-worthy if the texture is right – and not worth a second glance if it’s not.

Right, ladies?

(sidenote to my sister: LaLa, do you remember that album cover we used to have of Eddie Rabbitt? oooohmygosh.)

Am reminded of this, because I met a thirtysomethingish man with a handlebar mustache last week. Wished very much to jump on him with pair of sharp scissors and fix the problem. Or dull scissors. Anything at all. Could hardly talk to him because I was so distracted by my evil makeover-by-force plans.

7. Am crazy-rough on everything. All appliances must be industrial strength or I will break them. Vacuums should be able to pick up all socks on floor, right? So the commercials where they’re so ‘strong’ they can vacuum up nuts and bolts? That doesn’t impress me. I want a vacuum that can suck up hammers and wrenches.

8. Once I ripped the front off Mike’s pickup (and was very annoyed it wasn’t tough enough to withstand my adventure without surrendering off body parts like that.) So he bought me my own truck, and I  immediately cracked all the ‘motor mounts’ because I repeatedly caught air that was a bit too big. Mechanics ‘outed’ me  to Mike and said that was pretty much the only way to cause that sort of damage. Then they installed stronger motor mounts. Whatever those are. (Mike was shocked. He had told the mechanics he’d ask me if I was doing that but he doubted it. And when he asked if I’d been ‘jumping’ in it, I shrugged and said, ” Well, yeah. I thought that was why we got it…? So I woudn’t keep wrecking yours, right?”  His mouth dropped open. He forgets my secret extreme side sometimes, but that’s understandable. I keep it under wraps, and away from the children.)

9. I specifically did not ask how much that repair cost. Mike specifically did not tell me.

10. Am very very careful with people, especially kids. And animals. And am super, unforgivingly tough on objects/tools/appliances/self.

I am the reason behind most of those notes on the gym equipment that says, ‘temporarily broken. We apologize for the inconvenience.’  I don’t mean to break everything. It just happens. (And it’s awful when you DO break something at the gym because it’s usually loud – trust me – and then everyone turns and looks at you because you really DID do something wrong, and then you have to go apologize and confess. It’s awful. It does not get better with practice, either.)

11. Mike brings me food. Just whenever. Says I won’t eat if he doesn’t, and sticks food in front of me. (I WOULD, but it’s very sweet of him anyway. And he lets me put my cold feet on him.)

12. I cannot, under any circumstances, eat in the dark. You just don’t know what has crawled into your food between bites. How dinner theatres survive  - or movie theatre concession stands survive – is beyond me. I just can’t.

13. Last week I spit out the chunks in the extra crunchy peanut butter. I don’t mind the chunks in extra crunchy peanut butter, but I got it into my head that maybe they weren’t really bits of peanut and I was just assuming they were and I should, yaknow, verify. Anticlimactic Conclusion: They were peanuts.

14. I try not to assume too much. Although I should assume chunks in peanut butter are peanuts. My unofficial policy is to never overestimate anyone’s goodwill/admiration/affection/like/love of me. I’d rather underestimate, always, no exceptions, and am bothered if I ever notice I’ve accidentally violated this policy.

15. Even though the knee doctor told me… a month ago…. was it that long…? Gah. Anyway, even though he said a MONTH ago to go do water exercise classes —  I haven’t. This is unacceptable. I know. Forcing self to go – it’s already scheduled. Ick.

If I break the gym’s pool, I’m never going back, no matter what the doctor says.

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