Monday, August 23rd 2010
A Side of Bacon, Please

The other day I was running. On a treadmill. Not because I am a runner, or because I enjoy this, but because it is the form of exercise currently doctor approved, and so I go with it. So there I am. And a very large, older, sweaty man gets on the treadmill to my left. I have a ‘no eye contact’ policy for All Of Life, But Especially At The Gym. If you’re at the gym, I won’t see you, recognize you, talk to you, or acknowledge you. (It’s not you. It’s me.)

But this particular large and sweaty man…? I could not get enough of this man. He only stayed on that treadmill for five minutes while he did some moderately paced walking. It was not long enough. For some bizarre, unexpected and of course unexplained reason — he emanated the scent of bacon.

It was positively delicious, those five minutes next to that guy. I found myself leaning to the left, breathing deeply, and turning my head his way but careful not to make eye contact or actually look.

I was concerned I was going to fall right off the treadmill if I ran too far to the left, and I was pushing it. (I have fallen off before. It is QUITE dramatic when that happens. There’s no hoping that people don’t notice, because it shoots you straight off the back and splats you on the floor or into a wall or both, as in my case. People notice these things.)

This reaction reminded me of the dogs on the bacon dog treat commercials, and how they kinda act all crazy for it? Yes. I’m the dog in that analogy. The crazy dog. Or the stupid women in those Axe commercials. Yuck. Men don’t need to smell like Axe. They need to just stand near a pan of frying bacon. Mmmm.

yeah, yeah, you’re remembering right –  I don’t eat meat. But I do like the smell of bacon, and apparently, Bacon Scented Men.

I’m going to the gym later. I’m hopeful he’s there and has progressed to more than a five minute walk.

{this is one of those things I should be WAY TOO EMBARRASSED to tell you or anyone else. But if I had that particular inclination, this blog would be empty.}

~hm

7 Comments on “A Side of Bacon, Please”

1
Melissa
August 23rd, 2010
5:21 pm

ok, found your blog last night and you are so funny. snort, snort, I totally never had this reaction to bacon scented men, but pretty much everything else I can relate to. funny tho. You know what, come to think of it I have never been spat off of a treadmill either. This is why I don’t exercise in public.

2
Michele
August 24th, 2010
10:25 am

LOL! I don’t think I would be so drawn to the bacon scented guy because I would be too busy wondering if he smelled like bacon because he just fried a pound of it or if he just smelled like bacon for no apparent reason–which is gross.

3
LaLa
August 24th, 2010
10:22 pm

I have TOTALLY been shot off the end of a treadmill and you’re right, there is absolutely no possibility of that happening in a stealthy way. Everyone sees it. Also, when you’re new to the gym and think, “The treadmill is the way to start!” and then stand on it pushing everything in sight and NOTHING seems to turn it on. Yeah, that’s embarrassing too.

I have not met a bacon-scented man. But I did meet a guy this morning who smelled strongly of cheese. Believe me, the effect was far from enchanting.

4
Kelsey
August 24th, 2010
10:35 pm

Melissa, maybe you should go to a gym with my sister and I. We both, it seems, are quite good at getting ejected from the cardio equip. We can break you in!

Michele, it did NOT matter the reason behind how he came to smell like that. It was so heavenly that the ‘how’ and ‘why’ was irrelevant. Trust me on this one. You would have sniffed him too. I had arm licking thoughts. Sorry. That’s awful, but only because it’s true.

ew. that does sound gross, LaLa. I went to the gym last night and the guy to my right was WAY scented, but not in a bacon way. In a ‘sweaty man on treadmill, forgot deodorant’ way. Which is FINE. It’s a gym. I get it. It’s just that I was really hoping for the other guy and it made him smell so much worse by comparison, yaknow?

5
Melissa
August 24th, 2010
10:44 pm

You would pretty much have to hold a knife to my throat to get me in a gym, unless it was empty and the blinds were drawn. Then you wouldn’t be able to watch me AT ALL. Way too scary. I flap in places you don’t want to know about. (I also work in a nursing home, I know what happens to our boobs in about 30 years – nevermind, I won’t describe it here. Just go visit a nursing home and see for yourself.)

6
Kelsey
August 24th, 2010
11:08 pm

‘kay, so we won’t go to a gym, melissa. i don’t wield knives and i would never want to work out in a dark gym with the blinds down!

30 years from now? Eh. You wouldn’t believe my right here and now 3 kids’ worth of stretch marks. :)

7
Melissa
August 25th, 2010
10:19 pm

no, really. go look. be ready for your eyes to be amazed. seriously. AND, if I EVER go to a nursing home, you better put a bra on me. I don’t care how many miles of loose skin you have to stuff in those cups or how big you have to make the bra to do that, but PUT A BRA ON ME PLEASE!! I have a VERY valid reason for asking this.

Also, this is why I don’t jump, run, or make sudden moves. I don’t need any help making them any lower than they are already. I’ll need a cone bra soon.

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