Tuesday, August 10th 2010
Toad Plague, Part 3

Toad Plague, Part 1

Toad Plague, Part 2

They are everywhere, these toads, as evidenced by the very existence of this third, Toad Plague installment. The other night I went out to work in a large flowerbed way at the back of the yard and had to be careful not to step on frogs EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. When I got out there, they were just running amok all in that flowerbed. Hopping, frolicking. Acting very toady.

A few of you had me greatly concerned that they might be getting too friendly out there and then there would be EVEN MORE of them. And you were right. There were tiny little toads out there, mixed in with the small, medium, and ‘okay, you’ve had too many flies’ sized ones.

One hopped right across the top of my flip-flopped foot. I screamed. I improved my vertical leap. And then I got really annoyed and started talking to them. Specifically, I wanted them to stay away from each other and not be too ‘friendly.’ There I was in the backyard whispering to a toad, “don’t get near that one. STAY AWAY from each other. NO TOUCHING EACH OTHER, little toadies. Shoo! You go that way, and YOU, Mr. Toad, YOU hop the other way.”  And this is a new low.

At one point I told one little toad to get away from me and stay away, or I’d go get Mike, and Mike’s a hunter who takes on animals of much bigger stature. And that was dumb. The toad was all, “uh, really? Mike’s the dude who gave us an aquarium to live in with our friends and let us touch each other when we wanted,  and sent YOU out to PetSmart for frog food  and then LET US GO in the flowerbed and thoughtfully turned on the sprinkler system for us? Sure, lady. Go get Mike. I like Mike.” Or maybe it was ‘ribbit.’ I don’t know.

When I wanted to come in the back door, after finally getting that flowerbed how I wanted it, I had to knock and wait for Mike. Not because the door was locked. But because there were toads lined up, ready for that door to open so that they could rush the entryway. Like they do ALL THE TIME NOW. They’re just ready and waiting to take over the house. Mike came and shooed them away.  I came inside and took a hot bath and scrubbed my foot that the toad had hopped on.

What I do know is that before there were 84+ frogs in the backyard and I was constantly yelling, WASH YOUR HANDS at the kids. And now there are like, ninety two millionish frogs in the backyard and I’m still yelling that and also chasing kids with hand sanitizer and making casual conversation and speaking empty threats at toads. And that can’t be good.  I think I’m trapped in a children’s book.

~hm

9 Comments on “Toad Plague, Part 3”

1
LaLa
August 10th, 2010
11:21 pm

Um, this is very bad. I spoke with a friend of mine who knows things and she said that once toads are happy, they don’t go anywhere. They stay, and make more toads. If you want fewer toads in your back yard, your next step is a Big Toad Round Up and Relocation. Which is yucky, but a LOT less disgusting than a Giant Toad Stomp.

2
Michele
August 11th, 2010
9:32 pm

You should totally capitalize on this whole thing. Put up big signs in your front yard advertising “Froggy Land” and invite people to lounge and dine among the frogs for their entertainment and pleasure. Kids will love it!

Hahahaha….

3
Michele
August 11th, 2010
9:42 pm

Okay, I had another great idea for you.

You should get film crews to come in and pay you to get stock footage of this real life plague of frogs so that the next time someone wants to do a “Ten Commandments” remake you can cash in AND make life easier for them. I mean, it’s not like you can just find a ready-and-waiting frog plague to film any time you need one. See, you could HELP people.

Are you really feeding them? If you don’t feed them, they’ll have to eat all the bugs for you. That has to be nice, right?

4
Geekwif
August 12th, 2010
7:37 pm

Two words.

Frog. Legs.

5
Kelsey
August 12th, 2010
8:16 pm

Excellent feedback, y’all.

LaLa, your input scared me and inspired me to hold a Toad Relocation Strategy meeting with the boys on mom’s front porch. Ethan-10yr got all excited about how this could be like a cheetah relocation program and then we got sidetracked. With cheetah talk. Caden wanted us to take them to Daddy’s pond. As in, Long Road Trip With Frogs. Um…. no.

Michele, you are very kind. I do not want to help people. i do not want to encourage people to come near, for ANY reason. I am awful like that. But I like the ideas for their entertainment value! Yep, feeding them. The boys were trying to feed them bugs and they weren’t eating the offerings, and those frogs and toads were SO little that we thought they weren’t going to live (like that would be bad) and then I started to worry over starving them… ridiculous. So we’re feeding them frog pellet things. Flies are all around them, and are perfectly safe.

Geekwif,
Ew! My dad said the SAME thing. (actually no, he texted me a really weird story about how one time he and his cousin went out in a pond in only their underwear and they shot a bunch of frogs and then had frog legs. He sends the most bizarre texts of anyone I know. He says really weird, true things but in an amusing but not meant to be and sort of disturbing/shocking manner. Someone told me once that I do that too but I don’t. I’ve intentionally left out more details about his underwear description.)

6
LaLa
August 12th, 2010
10:15 pm

Glad you are not bringing the FOGS with you on this trip. I also vote against that plan. Relocation without actually crossing the state would be a nice alternative. I don’t think I even want to know more details about Daddy’s frog story…

7
Kelsey
August 12th, 2010
10:32 pm

you don’t, LaLa. you really don’t. I can’t erase the image of a very young lvr and cousin jim in their undies, with guns, in a pond. there was even a turtle stampede, 50 strong. the guns had something to do with that.

8
jrw
August 14th, 2010
10:47 am

“Flies are all around them, and are perfectly safe.”

So many questions, where to begin? Are the flies being drawn to the frog food? Do we know whether these are frogs or toads, or do we even care? You hate them so much and yet they are still being fed?

9
Kelsey
August 15th, 2010
10:59 pm

hmmm, jrw.

Well. The flies were all around and I think the frog/toad things were too little to catch them. Or eat them. The boys would offer dead flies and bugs and they wouldn’t eat them. But the boys couldn’t kill/find enough flies or bugs anyway to keep all those frog/toad things fed and so additional food sources were needed.

I have no idea if they are frogs or toads or what the difference is. I do not like them no matter what we call them – especially if they’re in my kitchen, but I couldn’t possibly accidentally starve them to death so yes, we definitely needed to get them frog pellet thingies. They were so little, and that bothered me, and I worried about them. When I wasn’t threatening them or fantasizing about their pond release far far away, I worried. They couldn’t starve.

The flies were all around before AND after their first pellet feeding, so it couldn’t have been the pellets the flies were after. I think flies like wet, stinky things, and so these frog/toads really had them at hello.

Mike and the boys released them at a pond, but there are more. We’ll round up a new batch tomorrow and start over. I want them ALL gone!

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