Tuesday, November 2nd 2010
Seriously Unladylike Behavior

Last night Mike got home from a trip, late, and his back was hurting and the whole house smelled like skunk (I don’t wanna talk about it) and I was half asleep. It wasn’t much of a welcome.

And, “Shhh, let me go back to sleep before my sense of smell wakes up,” is really, really lame.  Even if the whole house DOES smell like the skunks had a kegger in the living room last night.

So this morning I’d dropped the kids off at school, mowed my mom’s yard, and was on my way to PetSmart when I see Mike’s black truck. It’s the only one at the intersection and I pull up next to him in my giant, mud-encrusted red truck. He’s on the phone.

Partly I felt bad about the non-welcome he got last night. Partly I like to… keep things interesting. Partly, I am a big dork.  So… since no one else was around… I started flirting. Outrageously. But he was on the phone.  And he was looking, but he seemed to be looking at the truck instead. Hard to tell, since he had his phone in his right hand and it was between us.

Trust me when I say that I’m not the sexy sort. I have a friend who looks just like Barbie. Next to her, I am your classic Skipper. So even if I didn’t have grass clippings all over me and a shopping list for cat litter and dog food next to me, I’m no bombshell. But I knew Mike would get a kick out of this… so I did this fairly dramatic unzipping of my black hoodie (t shirt underneath, y’all) with lots of ridiculous facial expressions.

And he did seem to get a kick out of it. I definitely got a reaction.

He rolled down the passenger window just as the light turned green and he put his phone down.

He looked shocked.

And that’s good. That’s what I’m going for. Something to think about the rest of the day and all, right?

But.

It wasn’t Mike. It was some other cute, dark haired guy in an identical  black pickup truck (from the SAME small dealership outside of town) who was thoroughly appalled  at the antics of the brunette  heathen in the red pickup next to him.

I screamed. I hurt my jaw and undid all the chiropractic fixing that was done yesterday and I made this awful gasping sound and was really glad I had my window rolled up and that Not-Mike guy could not hear my freakout and could only see it.  I wanted to cover my face and slide down into the floorboards but the light was green so I floored it and took a right turn and THEN pulled over and freaked out in the floorboards.

I stopped next to a park and made sure there was no one around and then slid down in my seat and laughed and prayed that God would please forgive that one little innocent intersection faux-striptease thing, because really, I meant well, Lord, and I promise to NEVER do that again.


~hm

13 Comments on “Seriously Unladylike Behavior”

1
Sarah
November 2nd, 2010
11:39 am

THIS MADE MY DAY! Too funny. Thanks for the belly laugh.

2
Geekwif
November 2nd, 2010
1:50 pm

Oh dear lord, that is stinkin’ hilarious!!

3
LaLa
November 2nd, 2010
7:25 pm

Um. You never get to call me the embarrassing one, ever again. EVER!

4
melissa
November 2nd, 2010
10:33 pm

This is exactly why I answer the phone “this is Melissa” at work when someone says its my husband. You know, as opposed to “hey, hey baby you wanna piece of me?”. Yep, mighty emberassin’ if it isn’t your baby. Really nice if its a bank customer needing a balance.

5
Kelsey
November 3rd, 2010
9:03 am

LaLa,
I do not call you the embarrassing one. I call you The Loud One. Remember that time you visited when I was like, 4-5 months pregnant with Caden-0yr and you sat down next to me and started talking and you SCARED him? He totally jumped and got startled because he hadn’t seen you coming. (cracks me up every time I think about it.) You’re right though – I can totally embarrass myself without any sisterly help.

Melissa,
You bring customer service to a whole new level! Your emphasis on customer satisfaction is a vital factor in your bank’s new status as The Friendliest Bank in Town. ;)

6
Heather Ivester
November 3rd, 2010
12:53 pm

You are hilarious, Kelsey. Save this one for a novel. Your editor won’t believe it really happened.

And you really cut your mom’s grass! You’re making me feel guilty. I won’t even cut my own grass! That’s what teenage sons are for. (Hey, you’ll have a few of those before long.)

7
LaLa
November 3rd, 2010
9:36 pm

Hm, feel pretty certain I’ve been called the embarrassing one, but agree with you that you usually call me the loud one. But from now on I think we need to put some perspective on any “LaLa embarrassed me by being loud” moments by reminding ourselves that you did a big ol’ vampy striptease at an intersection to a guy who was not Mike and embarrassed yourself quite a lot more than any volume on my part could have. (Although let’s imagine for a moment what would have made that moment worse – probably really loud sisterly narration.) Btw, pretty sure that guy is going to dine out on that story for YEARS to come.

And it is hilarious that Caden-baby jumped when I started talking to him, especially given how piercingly loud that child can be today. That still makes me laugh too.

8
Sara
November 4th, 2010
3:21 am

Too funny! I just pray you never meet the other guy again!

9
Charleyme
November 4th, 2010
7:58 am

Bahahahahahahaha… ha ha ha.

10
Kelsey
November 4th, 2010
10:18 am

Heather, I agree completely. Looking forward to teenage son years. (I won’t cut my own grass either, but I gladly will hatchet up my mom’s because she’s so sweet about it.) One day I’ll write again. I think.

LaLa, I think I’ll tell Caden-baby that story later.

Sara, I am still so mortified that I’m avoiding looking at all men, particularly those in black pickups. A cute one waved at me in a parking lot yesterday and I immediately looked the other way and ignored him. It was Mike, but i sooooo did not trust myself to be sure. (he called and when I answered he said, “YES. IT’S ME.”)

11
Heather
November 4th, 2010
8:52 pm

SOOOO Funny! LOL. Thanks for the laugh!

12
Linda
November 5th, 2010
4:47 pm

Still laughing. Ya… that could happen. (New reader… just checkin’ things out. :D )

13

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