Saturday, December 18th 2010
A Comedy of (Eyebrow) Errors

Our family has had eyebrow drama. Much.

Oh! Before I forget – there is a facebook ‘like’ thing at the bottom. It looks a bit glaring to me… way oversized. But I put it there all by my untechnichal self at the request of Russell and Sara and I’m way pleased at its successful implementation even if it does look like a too-large accessory. Anyway. I do not facebook. I will not know/do not care if anyone ever uses that particular button. No pressure, y’all.  Facebook is the portal from which all old creepy boyfriends find you, (yes, even if you facebook under a fake name) and I just don’t care to go there.  If you are one of those old boyfriends, of COURSE I don’t mean you. Silly. I meant someone else. You aren’t creepy and I can’t even remember why we broke up.*

*************************

That little row of asterisks is supposed to make up for the fact that this is all way disjointed already. How’s it workin for ya? Right.

A couple of weeks ago, my right eyebrow had an accident and almost vanished. It was alarming. It still is a bit scant, if you look closely, but no one ever does that.

My mama taught me that in my awkward, self-conscious middle school years, and it is a life lesson worth remembering always, and well into my awkward, self-conscious adult years. “No one is looking at you. No one cares. Get over yourself already.” She didn’t say it like that. That’s how I say it. You know what I mean. Dude, I might have to break out some more asterisks.

When I went to Dallas in October, a lady trimmed my eyebrows by brushing them up and cutting with a little pair of nail scissors. No one had ever done that. It looked EASY. It provided noticeable improvement.

So I did it myself a few times at home in the next months. It was easy.

And then one day I was a bit… heavyhanded. I tend to be that way in most things. And restraint and delicacy are crucial in eyebrow trimming… two qualities I rarely possess. So I’m trimming away, and things are going well, and I think, “hmm. LaLa has the most perfect-at-all-times eyebrows. I wonder if she does this.”

And this is the text conversation we had:

Me: Do u trim your eyebrows?

LaLa: No but i pluck them. Often.

[she really does. that's why they always look amazing.]

Me: Yes, and u do it well. u should trim! It’s easy, and makes big diff! I’m trimming right now! : )

[this, the moment before disaster, i document and share with you.]

LaLa [perhaps trying to politely put me off inane text convo about eyebrows during business hours]: We will discuss.

Me: Ok! [not getting the hint. and apparently singleminded and hellbent on the subject of eyebrows] Makes for a thinner, sculpted look without looking overplucked and severe. I secretly wanted to do Daddy’s at Thanksgiving, but some stylist had clearly beat me to it.

LaLa: Hm. I could really mess that up. Big time.

Me: No u couldn’t! If anyone could, it’s me! And I haven’t!

[ok. um. i had no idea just how long this text conversation was when i thought this was the way to go. and it gets worse.]

Me: Brush upwards with comb [here there is a helpful PHOTO of my little eyebrow brush thingy with comb on opposite side, posing on countertop next to scissors.] And trim with scissors! Easy peasy. Up, though. Always upwards.

[are y'all wondering what is wrong with me at this point, too? ohmygosh, i'd tell you I don't dive off into stuff like this often and document it through text conversations, and I really don't... but still. this is weird. I probably should have been studying and just seriously didn't want to.]

Me: Oh. Nevermind. I just deleted my right eyebrow. Apparently messing up IS possible.

[a few minutes later]

Me: Hardly noticeable.

Lala: ‘deleted and ‘hardly noticeable’ seem at odds.

Me:  uh huh

[a few minutes later]

Me: “hardly notieable” after filling in with brown eyeliner just a bit.

LaLa: Riiiiiight.

Me: Poor lighting helps, too.

So. It’s not as easy as first thought, but no one will EVER notice anyway. My mother is way observant and she never noticed because her own advice is SO true about people never looking all that closely, even observant people. (Except she’s also way diplomatic and maybe just opted not to mention it.)  It’s mostly grown back. I’ve thoroughly given up trimming them. And I’ve WAY given up texting while trimming.

I’m reminded of this today because Mike had a right eyebrow mishap. He’s still learning to laugh at himself, and he isn’t really there yet. He said I could write about it when i asked, but I’m thinking maybe not going into detail because he seems a bit too worried about it still.

He sent a text earlier about how sunglasses cover it up. Mike does not text me things that are not strictly necessary, nor does he actually read any of my texts that have more than 3 words, or respond. Too busy. [and you never know when i'm going to suck you into a 20 minute pointless eyebrow trimming disaster thingy, so best to avoid me] So this text about sunglasses seemed significant. He needs my mama to tell him that no one is looking at him. But I didn’t tell him that. I told him he should quit his indoorsy desk job and start mowing lawns so he could wear sunglasses all the time. Not really. But close. He probably didn’t read it anyway. This is my  ’see, everyone has eyebrow disasters, and they grow back anyway’ pep talk. Feel free to add your own.

LaLa, she who has perfect-at-all-times eyebrows, had an AWESOME eyebrow mishap that was 0% her fault. She wasn’t even PRESENT, which is probably the hardest kind of eyebrow mishap to possibly have.

In the early 90s, our dad and stepmom wanted a family photo with the two of them and all four kids: stepmom’s 2 sons, Daddy’s 2 daughters. It was a rare occasion we were all in the same place for a holiday at the same time. So off we went, and it went fine.

Then… the photos came back. And everyone initially was quite pleased. At least that’s how I remember it. I had dorky hair, but I didn’t know that at the time, so it didn’t bother me. Everyone was good with the pics.

Except LaLa.

Who was, ah…  sputtering with indignation and incredulity.

For some reason that I do not understand that had something to do with her glasses and maybe a glare, the helpful photography people ‘touched up’ the photo by taking a dark pen and drawing on a particularly bushy pair of eyebrows right ON TOP of her glasses. So… it looked a bit muppet-y. There’s LaLa, her glasses, and on the outside of her glasses is an enormous pair of manbrows. They gave her Groucho Marx glasses.  I don’t know why.

The photo hangs, framed, in a place of honor in our father and stepmother’s home. I laugh, hard, every single time I see it. Oh, I love that picture.

* HA! Oh that’s funny. Of course I remember.

~hm

8 Comments on “A Comedy of (Eyebrow) Errors”

1
Annie Joy
December 18th, 2010
5:05 pm

What a hoot! As somebody who is definitely eye-brow challenged, I have the greatest empathy for these situations. My eyebrow disaster is permanent — I don’t have any — just a few hairs here and there that all want to go their own ways. Besides, I’m a redhead, which means their color faded away years ago. Which is fine, given their disarray. I guess the best I can say is that my eyebrows don’t look quite natural, but at least they look neat — once I get them drawn on — and I’m very careful not to give myself the shrimp-brow look.
Annie Joy recently posted..Christmas Joys 14 – Blended Families- The Lion Sleeps Tonight- and Christmas Lights

2
Geekwif
December 19th, 2010
7:23 am

Hilarious. Thank goodness eyebrows grow back, huh? I have man-brows, thanks to my dad. It’s my cross to bear. ;-)

I had a co-worker once, who came to work with one missing eyebrow painted in, the other perfectly intact. Rumor was that copious amounts of alcohol were involved in that one.

3
Jennifer Sullivan
December 19th, 2010
12:15 pm

I can NEVER get my eyebrows even. One always appears thicker or longer than the other. I spend way too much time trying to fix them and then they get really thin and small. I should just go back to waxing. But a few years ago a waxer got the wax too hot and blistered my eyebrow (just one) and its surrounding area. It was horrible and took almost a month to heal! I haven’t had them waxed since.
One of my sisters had to have permanent brows tatooed on because she plucked them away and they never grew back but then the permanent ones disappeared too and she is back to no brows. Poor thing.

Kelsey, your poor hubby. You could always draw his on until they grow back. : )
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..Vegas rocks

4
Kelsey
December 19th, 2010
1:56 pm

Annie Joy,
“they always look neat.” Okay, that is what I’d like to be able to say! And penciling in neatly has to take some skill. I’m not sure what shrimp brow is, but am tempted to google.

Geekwif,
Yeah… that definitely sounds alcohol related. I bet there’s a really good plot idea behind that coworkers ‘look!’
Mike’s was a sober accident, but it was bad enough to consider drawing in a replacement. Or evening up. But he decided not to.

Jennifer,
Ok. I hardly know where anyone lives. But I DO know where you live, and this is unacceptable. You live in Vegas. The people there have LOTS of practice with professional waxing services. Ahem. Look online until you see reviews for someone with good reviews and go try – there will be countless to choose from. Really.
I COULD draw them back on. I have a cute little eyebrow stencil thing,but it’s made for women and probably wouldn’t be appropriate. Not that he’d let me near him with it anyway…

5
Melissa
December 19th, 2010
3:47 pm

I did the same exact eyebrow – thingy to mine a few weeks ago too. Except I didn’t delete it, just very obviously trimmed it wrong. I thought it would replace the fact that I haven’t actually plucked them in like, 5 years. Nope. They looked bushy and scant, if that is at all possible. Or at least one eye did. The other eye was just bushy. Yikes

Lala, on the other hand, really needs to go have a grievance with the photographer, because that is just wrong, with a capital “W”

6
LaLa
December 19th, 2010
10:46 pm

Yeah. It has been a real eyebrow-heavy month in our family.

That photo with the added muppet unibrow was especially insulting because I had just come back from six months of living in London after college and I was feeling *especially* sophisticated (because at 22, who isn’t just super sophisticated?) and chic and then WHAM. I look like Bert’s cousin, minus the pointy yellow head. Talk about deflating.

Although, silver lining, I can look at that photo and know that I have never really had that bad an eyebrow day. Not in real life, only in that photo. And with my family’s eyebrow tendencies, that’s saying something.

7
Kelsey
December 20th, 2010
9:32 pm

Melissa,

You did this too?! That’s… oh nvm, need to email you

LaLa,

I forgot you were feeling sophisticated and European… or maybe you didn’t tell me and I wasn’t being observant. Yeah, NO ONE has ever had that bad an eyebrow day. Too bad photoshop wasn’t around yet…
Kelsey recently posted..Redheaded and Fabulous in Every Possible Way

8
Linda
January 8th, 2011
8:23 pm

Ya right. Deleting an eyebrow is always funny till somebody gets hurt. I play with the little sizzors and spooly brush too, and almost always regret it. I finally left them alone, as God made them, and decided to play up my lips instead. Sigh. Very funny story!!
Linda recently posted..True Stories of a Wretch Like Me– 2 Diamond Mine

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