Thursday, December 2nd 2010
Free

This morning I heard beautiful words. Words I’ve waited more than a year to hear from Mr. Knee Surgeon. “You may now proceed to kick the crap out of stuff.”

Okay. He didn’t use those words. But that’s what his boring words meant, and I’ve re-worded out the boring for better readability.

Anyway.

NOT kicking the crap out of stuff has been sooooo hard. I had no idea when I had that surgery that it would mean a year of waiting. I don’t know if Mr. Knee Surgeon told me that upfront and I wasn’t paying attention… or if he just truly didn’t mention it until after the surgery. But I do very clearly remember the day he told me that because I held it together just long enough to get to the parking lot and then I fell apart. Mike gave me a pat and then left. Not interested in a breakdown that morning.

But that was fine. Because this ‘no kicking for  a year’ thing was SO devastating that I fell apart constantly for the next few days and there were many opportunities to be nice about it. The reason that was such awful news, is that I desperately NEED that punching and kicking thing. It’s not just a physical thing, but also pretty spiritual, and it’s what I do with all of the feelings I so very much do not want to feel. I go get rid of them. Delete. Erase. I push myself until I am discussing survival with God and considering my level of nausea and everything hurts, and when it’s over? I take off the sweaty boxing gloves and whatever I didn’t want to be feeling when I went into the gym is gone. It’s possible to go into the gym absolutely furious over something that is WAY BIG and come out having totally forgotten it. Who wouldn’t want that?! That’s awesome! That’s more than stress relief. It’s stress obliteration.

Taking that away for a year was scary. What in the world was I going to do without that? Nothing else worked. I know, because I tried. I never found a substitute. I just had to feel it all. The good, the bad, the uncomfortable, the everything. When I was hurt, I was REALLY hurt and I couldn’t just run to the gym and make it go away.

Not that it was all negative – but there were attachments and positive stuff I didn’t really want to feel either. I hugged a lady in a bakery. I don’t want to be someone who hugs ladies in bakeries. It was an uncomfortable year. I tend to think feelings are highly overrated. You use them as tools to better see the workings of a situation and then you let them go.  Except I couldn’t.

I’m wondering if now I can. If I can store all that emotional stuff and then go punch/kick it all out and then *poof* go back to the pre-injured 2009 status.

Reset.

Ctl Alt Del.

Ohmygosh I hope so.

~hm

3 Comments on “Free”

1
HolyCousin
December 2nd, 2010
2:49 pm

WooHoo! Go kick the crap out of a punching bag! Just be carefull :)

2
LaLa
December 2nd, 2010
9:41 pm

I agree with HolyCousin – have fun beating and punching, but also with the being careful.

3
Kelsey
December 3rd, 2010
2:18 pm

I’m working on it, y’all! Can’t wait!

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