Thursday, January 6th 2011
Point A to Point B at Dawn

There are drunk men outside the kickboxing gym. This is nothing new. There’s a bar right there, so it makes sense. As much sense as it can possibly make for there to be drunk men standing outside a gym as early as 630, and more at 830. It’s barely dark, but there they are, slurring an offer to walk you to your car.


Well, gee thanks. Now that there’s a staggering guy here in this dark parking lot offering to walk me to my car i feel SO SAFE. So much better than before! How very thoughtful.

I do not watch much television, and never in the daytime. But once, years ago, I watched an episode of Oprah and she drilled it into my head that you never go with someone from Point A to Point B because Point B is the all-important “second location” and if you go to the “second location” with an attacker, basically you die a horrible death.

I don’t think these specific idiots are the people Oprah was talking about. But it’s difficult to know. And it’s better to not volunteer to be in a position where someone could shove you into your car and drive off with you into Horrible Deathland.

So I don’t.

In the interest of not leaving point A (wherever contact is first made), and leading someone to point B (car), I have been known to stand there and chat with Mr. Impaired until I’m sure he isn’t going to follow me. And if he starts to follow me, I just come back and wait him out. It doesn’t take long, due to lack of my being friendly, lack of his attention span, and his predictable frequent toileting needs.

This isn’t every time after class.  It’s more like every 5th or 6th time I go. And I assure you, it isn’t that I’m cute. I am anything but cute. It’s that it’s dark, and these guys are SO out of it, they can’t tell that I am actually QUITE revolting.

After kickboxing, I’m completely soaked in sweat. I smell soooo nasty. My hair looks like it just got washed, but it didn’t. That’s just sweat. The mats on the floor are a black rubber material that is designed to cushion a lot of falls and soak up people’s sweat. And after spending a lot of time on that mat, that’s what I smell like,  but also like other people’s bare feet, too. A LOT of other people’s feet. I’m also covered in black scuff marks from that mat, as if I’m an old piece of dirty linoleum.

The upside is a killer endorphin high and an “I survived” sense of accomplishment.

I’ve talked to the other women at the gym about those guys. They tell me the problem is I’m little, and thereby much more approachable. As much as it bothers me, there might be some truth to that.

For years I’ve run into someone we know and he never says hello. I always have to say hello first, and get his attention. He’s a nice guy. And he always says the same awful-but-nice thing: “Oh. Glad you said hello, I didn’t want to look at you because I thought you were someone’s teenage daughter.”

A few things about that.

1. Don’t say that. That’s weird. And gross. And sorta oddly admirable, but mainly it just icks me out.

2. I will not be saying hello anymore. I do not like this conversation. Also, it’s REAL hard to have a conversation when it always starts like THAT, so there is no point in saying hello and asking about the family anyway.

3. I don’t think he would like it if I answered, “Oh! Funny! I always forget YOU are a full grown man. Coincidence!”

So maybe the drunk guys are the opposite of Mr. I’m Not Looking At You, You Small Underaged Thing.

The irony is I could beat their faces into the pavement with very little effort, and they should all be terribly afraid of what would happen if I just lost a marble and decided to take them from Point A to Point B. They should be avoiding the Small, Smelly One at ALL costs, because that one is far more dangerous than she looks and every bit as dangerous as she smells. She can take away any weapon and she tends to overreact with the punching and the kicking, and sadly no one is safe. Also. The third person thing she’s doing  is creepy.

Not that these guys would believe any of that. Not that I really want to get into the habit of fighting in parking lots after dark and constantly having little blurbs in the Crime section of the newspaper with my stringy-haired picture.  My children would be so proud. We could frame my sweaty mug shots and hang them in the hall next to the picture of Seth-5yr in the pumpkin patch.

One of the women at the gym told me to come to the morning classes instead. There are no drunk people in the parking lot at 5 am.

I’m really not sure what’s worse – the 5 am part or the drunks after dark part.  But I’m having trouble finding enough hours in the day to study and exercise and parent, and that awful idea definitely finds a couple more hours that had previously been devoted to sleep.

Worth a try.

Or I could just find some cute frames for the Mug Shots in the Hall idea.


7 Comments on “Point A to Point B at Dawn”

Jennifer Sullivan
January 6th, 2011
3:19 pm

I didn’t realize until the end of your post that you were talking about coming out of the gym at night. Because I totally just forgot about the sun being up at 8 in the am. When I read 6:30 I just thought early morning drunks who had yet to make it home… Here in Vegas DUI’s are a 24/7 game and our bars don’t close so it didn’t click. It should have, the whole sun rises in the am should have been pretty clear… It wasn’t and I haven’t even frequented a bar today… (Or any other day actually)… Maybe you should wear barbed wire fake tatooes on your arms when you go to the gym, or before you leave. Tattooes of barbed wire on chicks can be intimidating…. Small or big of stature.
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..Icy Hot Conditioner

January 6th, 2011
9:09 pm

If I had a mug shot for kicking a drunk guy’s butt (which I would have NO clue how to do anyway) he would not only frame it, but he would carry it around in his wallet, show it to every one he knows, and say, “Oh yeah. That’s MY wife.”

I’m guessing all it would take is one incident of “drunk’s face in the pavement” and the legends that would be passed around the bar about the little chick who kicks butt would put the fear of God into them anytime they saw you leaving the gym. Maybe it’s worth trying just once. ;)
Geekwif recently posted..Remember What I Said About Libraries

January 7th, 2011
5:34 am

Okay, I just went back and read my comment and that first paragraph makes no sense at all since I forgot to mention that I was talking about my husband (not the drunk guy). It was late, I was tired. That’s my excuse.
Geekwif recently posted..Remember What I Said About Libraries

January 7th, 2011
7:25 am

yathink…? barbed wire tattoo around my puny little bicep will scare them off? Well… okay then. If that is all that is needed, that’s perfectly painless! (going the fake route, of course.)

I knew what you meant, and it cracked me up. Very sweet. I think Mike would be mortified and try to pull all sorts of strings to clear my record!

January 7th, 2011
9:44 pm

“every bit as dangerous as she smells” – awesome.

If we end up decorating with your mug shots, could we also draw on some extra eyebrows?

January 8th, 2011
8:10 pm

I was almost feeling motivated to give physical fitness one more try, until you really went into gross detail about other people’s sweat. I thought I would die…

But seriously, I remember the episode of Oprah you mentioned… about the secondary location. Whether you go with the barbed wire tatoo or not, I can’t wait to read the story about the poor drunken slob who decides to take you on in the parking lot! Sign me up for that one! : )
Linda recently posted..True Stories of a Wretch Like Me– 2 Diamond Mine

January 10th, 2011
1:09 pm

LaLa, do mug shots really need to be further embellished…? But sure. Of course. It might be healing for you. Or at least amusing.

Linda, Oh man! Here I am discouraging physical fitness? Not the intent! hope there weren’t any new year’s resolutioners reading that. You remember that Oprah! She scared me to pieces, right? I think it’s the only one i could even vaguely describe, but it thoroughly impacted my general safety outlook.

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