Thursday, January 20th 2011
Silent Afternoon With Three Boys. (Really!)

Yesterday the happenings in KidLand were over the top, unexplained and made me want to learn to drink. Today… we were at the other end of the spectrum. It’s only right to report about this afternoon, which is equally over the top and unexplained wondrous beautiful WHAT IS GOING ON in KidLand AND CAN I HAVE JUST ONE MORE BABY? type feeling.

We arrived home from school. We had a plan. There would be snacks (because if the kidlets do not get the afternoon snack right after school there is drama and fake fainting and it just isn’t pretty) and then we would go do a couple of errands.

Except.

Seth-5yr had gotten in trouble at school, and he had a tally to give me. He couldn’t bring himself to throw it away without my seeing it, although he was tempted. So, brilliant and devious at the same time, he comes to me and holds the tally face down and asks me if I would mind if he just threw that piece of paper away.

We talked about the lack of honesty in that particular conversation. Then I tried to get him to discuss the tally. Sat him in my lap, facing me, and used the quiet voice that usually melts him. He was VERY upset.  The thing with Seth-5yr is, he HATES to cry, and almost won’t ever do it. But he made up for it today.

He’d cry and squeak and say, “I! WAS! WRONG!” with great genuine emotion, but not actually discuss details. “Well, Seth-5yr… it says here on the tally, ‘Seth banged on a friend’s work project and broke it and hurt his friend.” He threw back his head and gnashed his teeth. I’m not surprised. He only treats his brothers like that, and not often, and he doesn’t get away with it. But I believed the genuine guilt thing because you’d think he’d tortured puppies the way he was acting, and I had no idea what to do with him being so hard on himself. I didn’t want to gloss over it TOO much because I hadn’t yet established that the ‘hurt his friend’ thing meant feelings and not repeated uppercuts to the ribs. It meant ‘feelings.’  And he had destroyed someone’s puzzle. I think. Not good, but he didn’t need to turn himself into the local authorities for his crimes, although he was clearly considering it.

He sat in my lap and pretty much lost it and wailed and cried and  despised himself for what he had done. And when he was finally through, he put his head on my shoulder, sighed, and fell asleep. I held him, and listened as his breathing turned into snoring. His head fit just under my chin, my right hand was tucked into his back jeans pocket, and it reminded me of when there were babies around and if one of them wanted to nap, I’d stop everything and blissfully sit and hold the little sleeper and love every second of it.

Every thirty minutes or so, he’d stir and look at me with his big, sleepy brown eyes. Then he’d get more comfortable, sigh, and go back to sleep.

Ethan-10yr came out of his room and saw me holding his sleeping brother. He let out a high pitched ‘Oh!’ as if it were the cutest thing he’d ever seen in his ten years. And then he tiptoed away. Caden-6yr amused himself quietly and then, after 90 minutes of this nonsense, came over and used a sing-song voice to say “I think someone didn’t take his nap at school today…!”

It was an hour and forty five minutes of blissful, peaceful, SILENT sweet baby holding time. A large, unexpected gift of peace.   Well, peace for me.

For Seth-5yr it was emotionally draining, cried-out exhaustion from an overdose of self loathing.

But for me, WOW, this afternoon rocked.

Except it did make me think about how much I miss that whole baby holding thing. It was worse than wandering through a Baby Gap and seeing little baby hats with bear ears  and adorable footed baby jammies with giraffes. It made me wonder just how much Mike would FREAK OUT if I used the “r” word. Reversal. (Um, a LOT. That would be a lot of freaking out all the way from California and he might not come home until I got over it and “took back that ‘r’ word.”)

And then ten minutes later I was over it.  Really.

I can hold a friend’s baby who is due to arrive in April, and buy BabyGap bear ear things for her.

No new stretch marks required.

I’m good.

~hm

3 Comments on “Silent Afternoon With Three Boys. (Really!)”

1
Jan
January 21st, 2011
8:48 am

I certainly can identify with this post. On the one hand, I know that having a baby at this stage of life is just not on the table. But when I get a chance to hold someone else’s baby….what bliss!
Jan recently posted..Sew Whats New

2
Jessica
January 21st, 2011
9:42 am

Glad you came to your senses by the end of the post. I was starting to thing you needed an intervention.
Jessica recently posted..Snow Cream

3
Kelsey
January 22nd, 2011
9:25 am

Jan and Jessica,
I am banned from future visits to BabyGap, as my mother sent an email requesting a certain baby name. Charlotte. Even though it would be a boy and we both know it and that’s kinda what I would want anyway, except wait. I do not want a baby. RIGHT.

I REALLY don’t.

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