Have you ever had the ‘thrill’ of being around some guy who clearly thinks he is God’s Special Gift to Women?  And then… after you bite your tongue and do not ask if there is a Gift Receipt, have you wondered HOW he got this way? Why? For how long?

I might have some insight to these questions. It might be disturbing.

Yesterday I drove three little boys to school in Mike’s truck, so they were all sitting side by side and right behind me. It was Spring Picture Day so they weren’t wearing school uniforms. They were in darling, not matching, pairs of plaid shorts with coordinating shirts. Because I am That Kind of Dorky and make no apologies, and also? They don’t object to stuff like that yet, so I’m taking full advantage. If I were really crazy, I’d have gone to a mall or put some effort/money into these outfits.  I didn’t. Not that it mattered.

Seth-5yr looks around at all the abundant handsomeness in the backseat and says, “Mom. I really do not teenk you should have bought us dees shorts.”

“Why?” I’m afraid he’s going to object, because Seth-5yr does things like that,  but it’s way too late for an outfit change. We’re on the way already, with no spare time this morning.

“Well. I am yooking so good dat guhls might just… kiss me… at ‘chool. Acshully, we all are yooking DAT good.”

He was completely serious. This was an honest assessment of how those $8  plaid shorts from Target had transformed him and his brothers into creatures so devastatingly  handsome that the females of the Christian elementary school would not be able to restrain themselves from physically attacking and kissing them, so far gone would they be by the emotional need to express their passion for the plaid shorted boys.

I was stunned into silence.

Caden-7yr giggled but then, in all seriousness, agreed. He went on to theorize that Seth-5yr would be kissed the most because his shirt had ‘the most colors.’ As if girls flail themselves at boys in shirts with lots of colors, or something, and Thanks For Telling Us That, Caden-7yr. I had no idea. It’s a good thing that men often spare me the temptation of wearing rainbow shirts. What a relief.

In short, they were looking too good for school. They might be kissed, repeatedly, upon arrival, JUST for wearing those shorts and having combed hair for once, AND the matching socks I insisted on today that normally I wouldn’t.

“Seth-5yr. You’re saying that the girls will kiss you because you look so good, they won’t be able to help it?” I just had to clarify. I was behind in this conversation, but it was too early in the day for this kind of insanity.

“Oh yes. Dat is what I am saying.” He shook his head in solemn acknowledgment of the crimes of passion that were about to unfold. truth be told, he looked a little excited.

“Well, you DO look good. All of you. I agree y’all are looking pretty handsome. And girls do like that.  But I have faith that the girls at your school will be able to appreciate your shorts and your matching socks and your combed hair without giving in to any urges to attack you. They’re nice girls.”

Sometimes, all it takes is a bargain priced pair of questionably plaid shorts to turn a handsome child into Watch Out, Ladies – I’m Too Sexy for My Plaid Preschool Britches So Go Ahead And Throw Yourselves At Me… I’m Expecting It.

You can probably tell by now I’m not one of those moms who dresses their kids super-cute. Or at all. I let them wear whatever they want, and they usually look crazy, and I do not care at all. And it’s a good thing. Because the slightest bit of inept styling from me turns them into THAT. Yuck. Behold the power of the matching socks. Matching socks + plaid shorts = Bizarre Ego Explosion x 3

They’re crazy, those 3.

And on a similar note…

This is another backseat conversation from another day this week. It proves why I am not cut out for homeschooling. Among other things.

As we drove, I’d been trying to encourage the kids to like the music of Asleep at the Wheel. It had gone pretty well, surprisingly. I wisely skipped “Big Balls in Cowtown” because I’m sure they wouldn’t have believed my explanation of what that meant, and I’m also sure I did not want to hear THEIR explanation of what that song meant. Can you just imagine? Ugh.

Then I moved on to Don Williams. I’ve tried this before, and they do not understand the appeal yet of “Tulsa Time.”  But they will. How can they not? Although I did forget one lyric in “I Believe in You” that says something about virginity. Nothing offensive there, of course, but it sparked a precious conversation between Seth-5yr and Caden-7yr.

Seth-5yr: “Hey, Caden. What is virginity?”

I turned down the volume so I could hear the answer.

I’m so glad I did.

“What? Oh. It’s a state.”

“It is?”

“Yes. There’s the state of Virginity, and there’s also one called West Virginity. They’re, um….. east.”

“Oh. Okay.”

And they went back to an earlier conversation.

And I slid down a little lower in my seat and my eyes filled with tears because they do that sometimes when I’m holding back a laugh.

If I were a homeschooler type I would commend the 7yr old’s grasp of geography, but correct that it’s actually Virginia and West Virginia, right?

I had no such inclination. It was so adorable I just couldn’t stand to say anything. I was thrilled Ethan-10yr was deeply interested in a book and not weighing in on the Virginity topic because there would have been a lot to discuss, including Mary and, instead… I just wanted to leave it.

Just for right now, I have two kids who think Virginity is a state in America, and I think that’s too darling to fix just yet.

I kinda wanted to attack them and kiss them to pieces. And they weren’t even in plaid that day.

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