I only went away for 2 days and 1 night, but I got so BEHIND. There’s so much to tell y’all. There’s only one solution, really. I know you know where this is headed. A list. It has to be. Let’s # it this time, just so I don’t wear out the *.

1. I went to see LaLa. LaLa is my sister, although that is not her real name. I didn’t grow up calling her that, nor did anyone else. It’s a nickname that came about with my kids not being able to say her real name.

2. LaLa has a new boyfriend. I got to meet him. Together, they are… darling. They adore each other. We had sushi, because where THEY live? There are sushi restaurants. Yum. I picked out the krab (but I would have picked out the crab, also, but the “k” does make it worse, and the cucumbers because. ew. Cucumbers.)

3. Sat by a woman on the flight Friday that was so fascinating, so unapologetically fabulous, that she will HAVE to be a character I write one day. I was so entertained I couldn’t read the novel I’d brought. She wasn’t talking to me – but the things i heard! And the way they were said! Oh! One day, I will write her and you will meet her. LaLa nicknamed her the Flying Walinda, for reasons that actually have to do with… I forgot. Something or other about a friend of hers.

4. Before sitting next to the FW, though, I was standing in the correct numbered line that Southwest uses for boarding purposes. As it was the first possible day of Spring Break, there were a lot of VERY young looking college kids in Greek lettered t-shirts and backpacks milling about. One of these was standing behind me, but shouldn’t have been. “I’m the last one in this  ’A’ row, so you’re probably in front of me,” I told him. He was confused. (He might need some more schooling.) He shrugged and said he’d stay there. But he didn’t understand and asked questions that might indicate he either wasn’t very bright, was hungover, or had just never before encountered the Southwest system. I explained how it worked and sent him on his way, after he had a visible lightbulb moment when at last he understood.

5. THEN, in our destination city, we are standing at the baggage claim and the babyfaced, possibly not so bright frat boy comes and stands next to me and asks if i’ll explain how the baggage carousel works. He was kidding. Of course he was. But I’d JUST been thinking how great this brief  kid-free time would be and I… well. Hate me if you will for being cruel to small children, but I didn’t mean to be. I said, “I have three little boys and I left them at home. It’s my day off.” He looked as if I’d slapped him. I did NOT mean to sound like it sounded. Really. I didn’t. I honestly forget that college boys think they’re men. I mean, don’t you? They can’t help it that they look like my precious ten year old.

6. His timing was particularly bad, because I’d flashed back to the 7,000 children’s books I’ve read to the kids where a lost baby goose is looking everywhere for its mama and wants all the other dogs, cats, cows, lizards, etc to be his mama and then finally finds a suitable mother and is taken care of in the big bad world, and I just did NOT want to mother a babyfaced frat boy right at that second and I expressed it in a thoroughly unkind manner. I slapped a  hand over my mouth and laughed in his face, and I’m sure that helped as I could hardly get an apology out, over all the laughing. Lovely.

7. The lost baby goose walked off. I became the nasty, mean villain of the story who does not mother the adorable, fuzzy lost baby.

8. I felt bad for about 30 seconds and then I got my bag and went and hugged LaLa and told her all about who would later become known as the Flying Walinda.

9. We shopped. It wasn’t really planned. But OH! We did WELL. There are so many stores in that city that I do not have access to here. It was wise to take advantage of being so close, right? For reasons we never understood, there was a banana peel on the floor of anthropologie. LaLa and I are tied for The Two People Who Hate Bananas The Most On The Whole Planet, so we were particularly transfixed by the odd sighting. LaLa took a picture. We wondered if it was a social experiment we were failing and there were hidden cameras recording how we watched the banana peel and left it as-is. But we were unfair candidates, given our extreme banana aversion. If we felt less strongly, we mighta kicked it to the side. Or discarded it. Or done something. Anything. But instead we watched with big eyes until someone less icked out by bananas manned up and took care of it. It was a 10 minute wait.

10. Then HolyCousin got off work, met us for pizza and we watched the most boring movie ever while curled up under blankets side by side by side on LaLa’s couch. LaLa cheated by not watching with us and  playing games on her phone. HolyCousin itched. She itches when she’s tired. I sat in the middle and tried to keep my feet warm. We all tried to stay awake.

11. Yesterday, the 3 of us shopped. And at one point, LaLa had occasion to accidentally/fantastically/hysterically spew chewed up cookie ALL over herself, me, and the inside of her car. I might have said something minor that inspired that particular action, but the end result was possibly the single best Laughing-Induced Food Spewing Incident i have ever witnessed. (And I have witnessed many.) We laughed far past the point of serious stomach pain. I cried more than I have in ages, but stopping was impossible.

12. We had invited our dad to shop with us. He’s a good shopper. Our stepmom was out of town. I really thought he’d take us up on it. But he turned us down FORCEFULLY, and then re-lived in astonishing accuracy what it was like to take his two daughters back-to-school shopping. When we were 17 and 14 years old. He told us HOW we shopped, what we bought on the first, second, third, and then fourth complete circuits of the ‘world’s largest mall’ and how the only single shopping experience worse than that was when he took me prom dress shopping and he had to drive to each and every single prom dress store in all of North Texas.

13. I didn’t go to prom, as I was being snooty and antisocial and no one asked me. But there were other formals, I suppose, and all these years later a simple invitation to shop with us had our dad regaling us with the details of the insanity that came before buying two specific dresses for me – both of which he described in perfect detail. I’d say the man is scarred. He was so polite at the time, though, that all of this was fantastically comical and news to us, all these years later.

14. Needless to say, he did not go shopping. But he did take us to a great restaurant where I ate more pasta than I have had in the last month. And i am not a carb-avoider. I just PIGGED. OUT. It was wonderful. It was nice just to hang out with him, even if he didn’t want to shop.

15. We 3 cousins sang that dreadful old Heart song about the lady who picks up a guy on the street in the pouring rain and has his baby but never tells him that’s why she’s using him, but he finds out years later and she stomps on his ego in a phrase we’re sure was a ‘size’ comment. We sang with passion and with derision at the crazybad lyrics.

16. HolyCousin had heard about the cookie incident and banned us from eating cookies in her pretty, new car. Wise move.

17.  Today I had the 3 year olds for Sunday School. They had not adjusted to the time change and they flopped on the floor like sad, wilted lettuce leaves. With jet lag.  Until one of them had a meltdown and decided he hated me and then later, in the parking lot, he gave me a dirty look and started to tell his dad all about me. Ugh.

18. My own 3 little boys were glad to see me when I came home last night. I’m quite the failure with all others.

19.  Had a wonderful lunch at my mom’s today. She made mushrooms, even though I’m the only one who will eat them.

20. Even with all that shopping, I did not buy shoes. Just wasn’t in the mood. It’s rare, but it happens.

21. HolyAuntie in Hawaii was under tsunami watch, but was unaffected and is perfectly fine and dry and safe and we are all grateful. I didn’t call and wake her up and bug her like I (and everyone else she ever met) did  the last time. This time she sent out an “i’m fine, and going to bed” email and then an “all clear” email to follow up. Excellent.

22. I have a burn halfway between my wrist and elbow that looks disturbingly like a hickey. I was trying to take the foil off a pan of chicken enchiladas. Two weeks ago.

23. Mike has ordered pizza from the same place twice within the last 3 days. When I questioned this, he said, “But I ordered different stuff.” Well. Right then. He was nice enough to order me a veggie pizza.  And something I’m almost afraid of. It looks like pizza with macaroni and cheese on top. I think I may become a carb-avoider.

24. I ate a McFish last week. There were extreme circumstances involving ravenous hunger, not being home any time soon, rowdy kids who wanted McDonald’s and the stupid rationalization that, “well. i do eat fish now. how bad could it be?”

25. And the answer is VERY bad. It was a fishburger with a perfectly square fish patty with a SLICE OF CHEESE on top of it and the most revolting part that STILL makes me feel dirty every time I think about it? It wasn’t that bad. Really. I’ll never do it again, I give you my word. But it was NOT that bad.

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