Thursday, May 26th 2011
(It’s a) Wild Life

It was sunset on Tuesday night as I drove my very tall red monster truck home from kickboxing. I looked and smelled awful. I’d gotten outside of town when I noticed something in the road up ahead. Whatever it was had taken up the exact center of my lane, so I moved so that my truck would go over it without the tires crushing it. It was blond, like a prairie dog, but much… much bigger.

And then I got close enough to see what it was and all sorts of screaming ensued. In the road, coming AT me, was an extremely large, beige snake. It was as big around as my calf, and somewhere between 6 and 12 feet long. I know – that’s a big range. But it was impossible to quantify, except there were lots and lots and lots of S curves in that snake as it came down the road at me.

Along with the screaming, there was unexplainable flailing. I jerked BOTH knees up by my ears, banging my right knee hard on the steering wheel. But I had to get my feet as far away from that snake as possible, and hey, it MADE SENSE TO ME in the moment.

So with both knees up by my ears and screaming, I sort of coasted right over that bad guy. I was still yelling when I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the black SUV behind me pull a u-turn and go back for a closer look. Better them than me.

As it is, I can’t quite get that image out of my head – that enormous beige snake against the dark asphalt, head moving up and down as it purposefully, fearlessly slithering straight into oncoming traffic. I’m constantly looking around when I drive to see if he’ll reappear. Not that I’ve EVER seen anything like that before… but now I know he’s out there. It was like the worst bad dude from a horror movie ever, but in real life and in giant, snake form.

If horror movies scare you, that is. And if they don’t, then nevermind, and yes of COURSE they scare me.

There was much discussion about what sort of snake it could possibly be. “Invasive,” was Ethan-11yr’s bored but confident assessment. “Rat or chicken snake,” came from my dad. Although in the background my stepmother could be heard saying, “you always say rat or chicken snake.” Someone suggested giant oversized python that was released once it got too large for keeping as a pet. I don’t know. I don’t want to google. I don’t want to think about it. I just want that image to GO AWAY.

So I’m a little jumpy.

Tonight I was in the garage, looking for the drill to take to my mom’s. I found it, but also sorta kinda thought I saw a dead mouse. I did a leaping jumpy hop thing that involved much screaming and arm flailing and even though Mike was in the house I yelled his name as I scrambled up onto the hood of  my car.

He didn’t hear me.

HOW he did not hear me, I cannot possibly imagine.

So I rubbed at the sore spot on my lower back because I messed it up somehow in that twisting jump move and called him on my cell phone. But he didn’t answer. So I called again, this time the house number and calmly asked him to come out to the garage.

Mike knows if I am on top of furniture, cars, etc, there is a mouse to be dealt with. Furthermore, if I’m screaming, then it is still alive. If I’m trying to look dignified while perched on the hood of a large SUV, it’s not a seduction scene – a mouse is probably dead.  Some things just need no explanation.

He promised he’d remove the mouse and check the garage for others while I was gone.

I went to my mother’s and realized I hadn’t brought the right drill bit and would have to look in the garage again later. Shiver.

While I was at mom’s, she killed a baby scorpion on her front porch. This completely freaked me out some more, because I am still not over the Giant Snake or the Dead Mouse and my mother was wearing falling-apart flip flops when she stomped that scorpion and she could have been hurt. I NEVER would have stomped it, regardless of shoes. I would have jumped and pointed and screamed and probably prayed that God would intervene instead of my having to get close to it. I’m fully aware that God almost never answers those prayers, but that’s OKAY. I’m not a scorpion stomper, and everyone including God knows that about me. But if I’m around, I’ll stand on furniture and try real hard to tell you which way it ran. I mean, I think I would. But I was in the backyard at the time, so I didn’t even do that.

Then my sister had to ask where the baby scorpion’s mama was, and THAT had not occurred to me, and YUCK with all the wildlife. I think I’ve had enough.

I got home tonight and Mike was watching a show about taxidermy. I saw all the dead animals on the tv screen and left the room. I don’t want any more creepy encounters with animals any time soon.

My throat hurts from all the involuntary, animal-related screaming. That’s just not even right, y’all.

~hm

11 Comments on “(It’s a) Wild Life”

1
Headless Mom
May 27th, 2011
12:22 am

Oh my. This post is all kinds of wrong. Not you…THEM. EEEW.
Headless Mom recently posted..Paralyzed

2
.endtransmission.
May 27th, 2011
8:11 am

Do you live in a rain forest or something? The mouse thing was kinda comical. They’re all furry and cute. The anaconda and the scorpion? They would have shocked me, too. And I’m a Scorpio, for Pete’s sake.

3
LaLa
May 27th, 2011
9:57 am

You did not tell me Mom was killing a baby scorpion while wearing derelict flip flops!!! I thought she was armed with a shovel, as nature intended in that situation.

4
Jennifer Sullivan
May 27th, 2011
11:48 pm

I agree with .endtransmission – anaconda, has to be. I too would have pulled up my feet while driving. Its just reflex.
The mouse, ok, yeah not cute.
The scorpion, not cool. If your mom doesn’t normally see scorpions though it probably just ended up there because someone irritated it’s normal living place. Like landscapers or someone else messing with its area…
Your mom sounds fearless. You I will pray for.
Maybe you should get bigger tires on your truck and have it lifted some more just in case?
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..It’s only Thursday

5
HolyMama!
May 28th, 2011
9:47 am

HM,
i know!! i jumped and ran down the hall yesterday because there was a particularly scary looking unknown object that COULD have been mouselike. except it was part of a tape dispenser. but STILL.

.end.
the word ‘anaconda’ is perhaps the scariest word EVER. (it’s actually way desert-y here)

LaLa
yeah, falling apart flip flop thingies. there wasn’t actually a shovel nearby, and time was of the essence.

JS
i have no idea if you’re kidding. (but the part about mom being fearless and me needing prayer had me laughing out loud. we’re both grateful, i’m sure) mom found the baby scorpion under a planter she’d bought at an estate sale, so i’m hoping there was only the one and it came from THERE. another good reason to avoid estate sales.

6
Jennifer Sullivan
May 29th, 2011
10:39 pm

Very serious (except about the anaconda, but then snakes are gross and all should be killed immediately). But, yes the scorpion most likely DID come with the planter… : )
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..The dogs might need therapy

7
Mysti
May 31st, 2011
1:32 pm

Umm – please let me know via email exactly *which* road you saw the anaconda on – so I can never ever ever go anywhere remotely near there ever again? Please?

I saw two snakes in as many days this weekend – including the baby garden snake I nearly stepped on (in flip flops mind you – and we won’t discuss the girly scream or sissy girl dance I did once I realized how close I came to STEPPING ON A SNAKE!!!!). My cousin the farmer claims snake movement means rain in a few days. I hope he’s right. I also hope that the two on my property will move away from my house. Maybe they can go live your anaconda?

8
Kelsey
May 31st, 2011
10:29 pm

JS,
i take your professional opinion VERY seriously and am thrilled you also think it came with the planter. Ugh.

Mysti,
emailed. we must find alternate routes!

9
Geekwif
June 4th, 2011
11:22 pm

Wow, I have often thought it might be nice to live in the south because there’s no 40 below 0 temps in the winter and the gardening season is so much longer. But with that many creepy creatures, I may just change my mind. It’s bad enough dealing with dive-bombing dragon flies, fat june bugs, and sneaky salamanders. I don’t think I could handle giant snakes and scorpions.
Geekwif recently posted..Jane Eyre Again And Other Books

10
Kelsey
June 6th, 2011
4:38 pm

GW,
sneaky salamanders? i don’t even know what that means, but it sounds whimsical and children’s book-ish.
question: when do the fat june bugs show up for you? usually they show up here in May, but this year it’s an exception and they’re here in june.

11
Geekwif
June 6th, 2011
7:59 pm

The june bugs are usually here in June. They just started showing up this week, so they’re right on time here.
Geekwif recently posted..Jane Eyre Again And Other Books

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