Tuesday, May 24th 2011
Tuesday Afternoon

Note: In case you didn’t know this before, you will certainly now realize that when I decide to blog – I have NO idea what I’ll write and it’s all stream of consciousness. If I’d known I was going to end this post by rambling on about penises, I would NOT have started with children’s literacy.

A couple of weeks ago a friend wanted to go to a warehouse sale for Scholastic books. It was technically for homeschoolers and teachers. Technically, we are not these things. She does teach students in her home – music – and I DO teach kids in my home – ‘how  many times do we have to find out what happens when you squirt a water gun at a hot lightbulb? enough! glass breaks and you get hurt and water and electricity are NOT A GOOD MIX, BOYS’ – but really we were not who the sale was officially open for.

We knew it.

But we really like books… and we spent a decent amount of energy into rationalizing how we were okay to go into this sale and why and what our story was and how it was all in the name of summer reading for goodness’ sake…  I mean… children’s literacy is a beautiful pursuit…

Somewhere in there my friend realized we are the most lame, unexciting, ‘goody goody’ people on the planet who just wasted a lot of time and energy trying to, gasp, gain entry into a children’s book sale. Then we laughed and realized we really need to find a way to liven things up, if that’s the most risque thing we ever do. We haven’t, by the way. That’s not where this is going. But one day, maybe.

So we walked into the book sale place, and the guy said, “you’re here for the sale? cool,” and he told us all we needed to know before we giddily spent an hour and a half buying a HUGE number of books for very little money.

We bought so many books that I realized the next purchase needed to be additional bookcases. (Gooooood sale.) Today my friend and I met for breakfast and shopped for items that included the new bookcase. Because we have progressed from all kinds of exciting to…. all kinds of exciting.

This friend and I have a once a week appointment that includes breakfast, long, funny and sometimes tearful conversations, and occasionally shopping afterwards. It’s an arrangement that will have to be adjusted for the summer, and I’m a little sad for that.

Last week at breakfast this friend stopped me and gave me a scripture reference that changed my thinking on something instantly. We looked it up on our phones to be sure we had it right, and briefly discussed its meaning. Then the subject changed and in fewer than five minutes this same friend was very seriously telling me that the next time I have anger issues, I should take a very sharp knife to a bar of soap someone gave me – that accidentally looks exactly like a very happy (and basil scented) penis -and “reshape” it into a more traditional soap shape.

Friends like this are probably difficult to find. I’m not sure, as I really don’t go looking all that often. But I’m betting that’s the case.

In case you’re wondering:

I rarely have anger issues.

I know not to do projects with sharp knives when i DO have anger issues.

I am WAY clumsy and I’d hate to explain to a doctor that I was mad and so I dealt with that anger by carving a penis soap when I accidentally chopped off my finger. You know? Some things can be avoided real easily. (Like water guns pointed at hot lightbulbs.)

I don’t think I could carve this particular soap regardless of state of mind, as it is just SO lifelike and realistic looking, it would feel, um, wrong.  It looks more like a sculpture and less like soap than any soap I’ve ever seen. It has a few definite characteristics that add to the realism of the texture and sheen that I’ll spare you. But…yeah. Anyway.

The person who gave me this soap had NO idea it would look like that when unwrapped and intended it to be a lovely and relaxing and not controversial gift at all. I had no idea either and was quite shocked (and giggly) when I saw it in all its glory.

Mike knew it was particularly penis-y right away, but didn’t say anything. I know this because I had it in the cupholder of my car for a few days and one day I saw that the label said “basil” on it and I lifted it to my face and sniffed really hard (because i have an awful sense of smell) and there was a definite look of appalled distaste on Mike’s face. It meant nothing to me until days later when I unwrapped it and realized he’d been a bit taken aback at seeing his wife snort at a plastic wrapped, green penis statuette-like thing.

Mike is not the sort to say, “Uh? Why are you sniffing that? And… why do you have a cellophane wrapped, basil scented penis in your cupholder?”

Mike is a man of few words.

I had few words when I saw it, too. I photographed it and laughed and cried and laughed some more. I sent the picture to my sister and said, “It’s even penis-ier in person” because it was true. But it looked waaay penile to her, regardless, and she was fairly speechless as well.

Then I put it in a cabinet because I did not want Maria asking if she should dust my new penis statue.

I mean, some things are just private.

 

 

 

 

~hm

15 Comments on “Tuesday Afternoon”

1
Geekwif
May 24th, 2011
4:28 pm

I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Oh my goodness. I have to wonder though, if the shape is accidental, what shape did they intend it to be?
Geekwif recently posted..Jane Eyre Again And Other Books

2
Jan
May 24th, 2011
4:39 pm

Geekwif, exactly what I was wondering. Do you think, if we beg real hard, HM will post a picture?
Jan recently posted..Mothers Day 2011

3
Kelsey
May 24th, 2011
4:52 pm

OH! I forgot the best part. the label read something like “it will give you younger looks.”

i loved the phrasing of that. HA!

I have NO idea what shape it was supposed to be. Just generally cylindrical would be my guess, but…. it really wasn’t. And one end was level and so if you take advantage of that feature and stand it up… WELL, THEN! Hellooooo! Particularly so when fresh out of bathwater.

I considered the photo… but… um… it’s a bit *graphic.*

4
Melissa
May 24th, 2011
6:47 pm

snort, snort, giggle, giggle!!!! Way too funny…. I can honestly say that I have never in my life had a penis shaped soap.

You can melt it, ya’ know?

5
Angie
May 24th, 2011
9:46 pm

Hilarious!

6
Jennifer Sullivan
May 24th, 2011
11:44 pm

I was glad to find out you posted the color of the penis soap because I really wanted to know if it was Caress peach or Dove white, etc…. Seriously, I was gonna ask had you not posted that tid bit… I am so ready to google basil scented penis soap but am afraid what the results may be… Curiouser and curioser.
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..why not a list…

7
Mysti
May 25th, 2011
11:15 am

I really want to know where you find such soap. Not that I want one for *me* mind you….but I have friends. With birthdays coming up. ;-)

Thanks for truly brightening my morning – although I think my staff thinks I”ve lost my mind!

8
Jenny
May 26th, 2011
2:11 pm

Jennifer….googling basil scented penis soap brings you right back here…
Jenny recently posted..No TV

9
Kelsey
May 26th, 2011
2:22 pm

oooh, y’all are funny. it’s not a mainstream brand, and not intended to look as it does….

(there were about 4 sentences i wrote and had to backspace through because they just kept sounding SO wrong.)

10
alison
May 26th, 2011
9:15 pm

Oh my goodness- that made me laugh so hard
I only wish I was drinking choc milk , because it so would have sprayed out of my nose-
I just bought two basil plants yesterday who knew I could make
phallic (sp?) shape soap with it?
Just in time too
I do have a wedding to attend this weekend………ha!!!
alison recently posted..Sweet Embrace

11
alison
May 26th, 2011
9:16 pm

This
alison recently posted..Sweet Embrace

12
Jennifer Sullivan
May 26th, 2011
9:49 pm

I am SO glad Jenny had the guts to google this, since I didn’t!
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..why not a list…

13
LaLa
May 27th, 2011
9:57 am

I love Jenny’s comment. Of course it does. That is hilarious.

14
Sarah
May 28th, 2011
3:21 pm

This is so stinkin’ funny! And sneaking into a children’s book sale sounds exactly like something that my friend and I would do. We’re rebels without a clue! ha ha!
Sarah recently posted..Lets BEE friends with Bruna

15

[...] basil scented penis shaped soap (of COURSE i’m packing a penis at this moment. A green herbal one. OF COURSE. i’d [...]

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