Sunday, June 12th 2011
Yeah, Well, We Keep It Real, You and I

it’s a delicate balance, this. balance between acceptance and resentment. between gratitude for the life that i have today and the one i’m tempted to wish for instead. but then that seems so… wrong. so ungrateful. so disloyal.

normally that’s the kind of stuff i can rationalize or pray or deny right out of my life. it doesn’t trip me up. usually.

mike went on an alaskan cruise with kim-17yr. she graduated. it’s a gift. they really did need some time together, and it was – and is – a great way to facilitate that.

as it is a graduation gift for her, and she does not like me much, of course it made mucho sense that i would not be invited. i genuinely did not want to go anyway. this is still the case.

i’d much rather be here than there.

no question.

if i were gone, i’d have missed the amazing hit Caden-7yr got yesterday that sailed past 2nd base. i’d have missed Seth-5yr bizarrely referring to his nipples as ‘bikinis.’ (or, ‘buh-kay-nays.’)  i’d have missed 17 arguments in target today about if it is or is not impossible to step on cracks in the ground. i’d have missed my life.

so why was it necessary to go to the garage, where there were no kids, and give myself permission to just BE upset? what could there possibly be to be upset about anyway?

i was completely generous and allowed 15 full seconds of Upset Time In The Garage before deciding that was enough, no need to dwell or wallow, and called it off.

i didn’t figure out what was bothering me in those 15 seconds.  just as well.

but something is definitely not quite right with me.

i know because i used the word ‘mucho’ up there at the beginning of this post, and that is very unlike me. it’s like foreign emotions took over and i combated them by pretending to be in a taco bell commercial.

probably the least effective coping strategy ever.

right behind the 15 seconds Upset In The Garage strategy.

**************

i normally won’t write stuff like this because i hate thinking that then y’all will feel obligated to try to cheer me up or something. seriously, don’t, it’ll make me cringe. i’m fine, it’s all ok.

isn’t cesar millan just the cutest thing ever? *

*YEAH, I was trying to distract you, but he really is, and dog whisperer is on, and you know i’m all stream-of-consciousness around here anyway.

~hm

11 Comments on “Yeah, Well, We Keep It Real, You and I”

1
Jan
June 13th, 2011
9:34 am

Seems to me you are mourning the life you wish could have been with your daughter being part of your family, instead of estranged. Nothing wrong with that. We all mourn certain things in our lives. We’re entitled. I have an aunt and uncle whose only child was profoundly retarded. She said it’s like you planned a cruise to the Mediterrainian, and instead you ended up in Holland. You may enjoy the Holland trip, but you may also mourn the trip that could have been.
Yeah, I know I misspelled Mediterrainian.
And yes, Cesar is adorable.
Jan recently posted..Mothers Day 2011

2
Sarah
June 13th, 2011
9:56 am

i like that you keep it real. it’s my fave.
Sarah recently posted..Hot AND Single

3
Tracye
June 13th, 2011
11:55 am

Hey Kelsey,

It might be the least effective, but if your strategy was effective even a little, that’s good news.

I love your blog, and read every post, but haven’t commented in ages.

I don’t know if you’ve ever said or not, or maybe you did and I just don’t remember. Is Kim your biological daughter? Or Mike’s? Or none of my business? Probably the last one. :) That’s fine, too.

FYI, it makes me nervous for you to tell the whole world (and the roaming steak guy) Mike is out of town. My hubs would skin me alive if I did that. Which I wouldn’t. Because I would immediately imagine eleventy-billion different ways I’d be murdered while he’s gone.

And isn’t THAT just the loveliest, most uplifting paragraph ever?

Praying things get better and better for you.
Tracye recently posted..The Three Whitest Kids in America

4
Mysti
June 13th, 2011
12:18 pm

Um yeah – what Jan said. And it’s ok to do that – no one would begrudge you a bit – totally normal.

5
Kelsey
June 13th, 2011
2:15 pm

jan,
thank you… excellent description. (made me tear up in a checkout line, today. ) I KNEW you’d get it about cesar!

sarah,
you are the queen of real and so thank you!

tracye,
i DO remember you – so glad you said hi!! i don’t mind at all. K is m’s bio, mine by adoption. she was 2 when we married. m’s first wife never been in the picture.

if your husband would mind you telling the internet he’s gone, he’s probably not the type to accidentally fork you over to the steak guy, either. : ) m is not protective. there’s just no getting around that any other way than that. sure, i used to explain and ask, and hope for him to someday treasure me like something worth being protected. but that’s just not how he’s wired. it took me forever to realize it’s all a reflection on him, and not me. i mean, if he had some amazingly better than me in every way kind of wife… would he still hand her over to the steak guy by mistake? OH YEAH, HE WOULD. His not eating much at home, though, IS a reflection on me and my cooking. key difference.

so looking out for me is my job, and i’m pretty good at it. okay, not by yall’s standards, but m IS gone all the time and it isn’t practical not to be able to say that here, when everything is said online here! when i need backup, i ask a friend’s husband who has a security business.

mysti,
thank you. (when it rained the other night i wondered about you and how much YALL got, because that’s just the pathetic sort of thing we do out here, right? and i wondered if a few days before that you’d seen snake activity, according to the wisdom of your cousin the farmer. and i hoped not, because ick.)

6
Jennifer Sullivan
June 13th, 2011
2:51 pm

Of course you would feel sad. You raised her for a lot of her life, until you couldn’t safely do it anymore. It’s hard to go through what you went through and hard to know that although you had a lot to do with her making it all the way to graduation you can’t be involved because of her issues. Maybe an evening bath relaxation would be better than garage time? At least it would be more comfortable and also beneficial, where the garage just sounds stuffy and hot. Mourn if you have to, but I think in a few days you will be okay with it, it’s just a new hurt right now, but it will get less painful with time.

7
Kelsey
June 13th, 2011
3:13 pm

JS,
y’all are giving me WAY too much credit here. WAY. i just wrote a big explanation and then backspaced through it. i’ll just leave it as is. (and i adore you js.)
Kelsey recently posted..Yeah- Well- We Keep It Real- You and I

8
Headless Mom
June 13th, 2011
5:01 pm

I totally get it. I still get crushed when my girl does certain things with her bio-mom. I raised her; she’s ‘mine’, but she still has a great relationship with her mom. Which, on one hand is great, yet on the other hand I still have issues over. I know that they’re ‘my’ issues, but still. I think it’s normal to be upset that things haven’t turned out differently. I know I would feel the same way. Allow yourself to feel it, like you did, then move on, like I know you are. xoxo
Headless Mom recently posted..No- Im not 13

9
Cesar Millan
June 14th, 2011
5:52 pm

Thanks, I appreciate that!! LOL just thot someone should speak for him!! :)

10
Mysti
June 15th, 2011
8:40 am

K – we got about half an inch, and luckily, no – didn’t see any snakes running around that week at all. Which is a *good* thing because I don’t like the snakes. And apparently there is a family of hognose snakey critters that have taken up residence around my place and now I’m paranoid every time I go down to the basement that one is going to slither out from under the house as I’m going down the stairs and…

Wait. This isn’t my blog. No need to give YOUR readers nightmares. Let’s just say – uh no – no snakes before the rain this time and leave it at that.

11
Kelsey
June 16th, 2011
2:25 pm

HM,
thanks for sharing that – i did not know!!

Mysti,
“a family of hognose snakey critters” OH MY GOSH, but that is a terrifying phrase. and what is the deal with your blog? i can’t remember it updating in my bloglines in forever. are you writing? am i having technical difficulties? help!
Kelsey recently posted..The Day After The Big Win

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