it’s a delicate balance, this. balance between acceptance and resentment. between gratitude for the life that i have today and the one i’m tempted to wish for instead. but then that seems so… wrong. so ungrateful. so disloyal.
normally that’s the kind of stuff i can rationalize or pray or deny right out of my life. it doesn’t trip me up. usually.
mike went on an alaskan cruise with kim-17yr. she graduated. it’s a gift. they really did need some time together, and it was – and is – a great way to facilitate that.
as it is a graduation gift for her, and she does not like me much, of course it made mucho sense that i would not be invited. i genuinely did not want to go anyway. this is still the case.
i’d much rather be here than there.
if i were gone, i’d have missed the amazing hit Caden-7yr got yesterday that sailed past 2nd base. i’d have missed Seth-5yr bizarrely referring to his nipples as ‘bikinis.’ (or, ‘buh-kay-nays.’) i’d have missed 17 arguments in target today about if it is or is not impossible to step on cracks in the ground. i’d have missed my life.
so why was it necessary to go to the garage, where there were no kids, and give myself permission to just BE upset? what could there possibly be to be upset about anyway?
i was completely generous and allowed 15 full seconds of Upset Time In The Garage before deciding that was enough, no need to dwell or wallow, and called it off.
i didn’t figure out what was bothering me in those 15 seconds. just as well.
but something is definitely not quite right with me.
i know because i used the word ‘mucho’ up there at the beginning of this post, and that is very unlike me. it’s like foreign emotions took over and i combated them by pretending to be in a taco bell commercial.
probably the least effective coping strategy ever.
right behind the 15 seconds Upset In The Garage strategy.
i normally won’t write stuff like this because i hate thinking that then y’all will feel obligated to try to cheer me up or something. seriously, don’t, it’ll make me cringe. i’m fine, it’s all ok.
isn’t cesar millan just the cutest thing ever? *
*YEAH, I was trying to distract you, but he really is, and dog whisperer is on, and you know i’m all stream-of-consciousness around here anyway.