Wednesday, August 31st 2011
CYA Policy Now More Strictly Enforced

Something horrifyingly awful happened on Sunday.

Today is… Wednesday. And it still isn’t funny. It never will be. To me. I’m PRETTY SURE on this one.

It’s still horrifying and makes me panick-y to even think about. But that’s how I feel anytime I think about the time in kindergarten when I got sick in the entryway right before recess. Public humiliation and knowing there was just NOTHING I could have done in the moment to prevent it. Sunday’s Incident could be described just like that.

Sunday morning I stood in my closet and wondered why I never wore this one really cute dress I’d had for years. I’d bought it, had the top part altered, wore it once, and then never again. For years.  But there had to be a reason.  Right before leaving, I noticed an ugly cut on one of my shins, so I thought of Linda, smiled, and put on a pair of boots.

(That was a boot reference, not an ugly shin reference. I’m sure Linda has lovely shins.)

It was a weird outfit. I didn’t care.

Until later.

And then I really, really cared.

And I also remembered – quite suddenly and clearly –  the reason I never wear that dress.

After church I took Caden-7yr and Seth-5yr to get gas, milk and a few other things. We came out of the little gas station/grocery place and I had my arms full. As we walked, the wind swirled around us. But in West Texas, that’s a given. I had a very large diet coke in a styrofoam cup in my right hand, groceries and milk and car keys and kids and NO CLUE what to do when the wind blew that stupid dress up.  (Waaaaay up. Breeze. On. Butt.)

Choices:

a) drop groceries and yank down on dress

b) make a strangled cat sound

c) clench hands into fists, causing a river of 44 delicious ounces of diet coke to run out of the side of a now- punctured styrofoam cup, run down body, and fill UP a cute boot

d) both b and c

Y’all know me. Y’all know me well. Congratulations for guessing “d.”

However. Someone else knows me a little too well, too. At the same time the wind was swirling and creating all kinds of reminders about DUH THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T WEAR THIS STOOOOPID DRESS, a man and his 13-14 year old-ish son were also walking through that parking lot.

If not for this father/son, I would have lied to myself forever about how probably no one saw that and it was not a big deal and HEY. Whatever.  I’m sure other butts have been seen in this parking lot and mine is not the first. Unfortunate Hooch Moment No One Saw. Or something like that.

But the dad called out, “It might be time you and I to start going back to church, son.”  He smiled.

It made my eyes fill with hot tears.

It made me think that God probably hated me right at that moment because. Well. Obviously.

Between the 2 boys and I, we got the car door open and I backed into the space next to the seat and dumped the groceries into the floorboard. I turned to see the two sweetest little faces staring up at me.  These babes wanted to help.

Caden-7yr said, “Mom, do you want me to go back inside and get a towel?” (Here is a child familiar with his own style of big messes.)

Seth-5yr looked at my watery eyes and said, “She doesn’t want a towel. Look at her. She wants another diet coke.” He laid one little hand on my hip and patted.

I thanked them, kissed them, put them in the car and we got out of there as fast as we could.  I wondered if the boots were ruined. I wondered what underwear I had on. I wondered what the cellulite situation was. I mean, really. How BAD was it, down to the last detail?

I got home and closed the closet door behind me and recreated the scene in front of the full length mirror.  Because I HAD to know how much I needed to hate myself.

Answer?

A LOT.

Best case scenario: Bridget Jones’ granny panties. Or Spanx.

Worst case scenario: thong. or hooker panties.

It wasn’t either the best or worst. But they were bright red and lace and certainly more ‘cheeky’ than ‘full coverage,’ but I wasn’t exactly thinking anyone would SEE them when I grabbed them out of the drawer that morning.

I tried not to think about it anymore. I put on a pair of  jeans even though it was 104 degrees that day and we had an outside event to go to later. At that event, I told Mike about what had happened. Surprisingly, the boys had not mentioned it first. It’s like they’re used to me doing crap like this, or something, whaa?

Mike said he was very sorry that had happened but to look on the bright side. Maybe that guy meant what he said.

I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “It is not evangelism if it involves a flash of buttcheek. Ever. Like, I’m PRETTY SURE ABOUT THAT.”

 

 

~hm

15 Comments on “CYA Policy Now More Strictly Enforced”

1
LaLa
August 31st, 2011
1:27 pm

Your boys are SO SWEET. Both of those reactions made me go, “Awwww.” Also. Sweet pea, I’m cringing for you. That was AWFUL! Now is definitely the time to aim for a little selective amnesia and to fill up your thoughts with something else. Fast! Call me and I’ll give you some new material. :)

2
Inkling
August 31st, 2011
1:45 pm

You know, I was totally feeling your pain and knodding my head in agreement that this would NEVER be funny…..until you made me choke with giggles on the sentence about evangelism and butt cheeks. It’s like you’ve got this spiritual gift for making people well up with smiles and joy and giggles. So what I’m trying to say is that I’m totally sorry you had such a mortifying experience, but I’m totally grateful to have found your blog because coming here gives me a smile and reminds me that all of life is not doom and gloom. And today, well, today I really needed to have that reminder.

3
Mysti
August 31st, 2011
2:02 pm

Aw Kelsey. It has not been your year for swirly skirts, huh? I suggest a closet purge and visit to Goodwill forthwith! And I’m so wishing I could remember what witty and hilarious comment I had intended to make on the 15 post.

Here’s hoping you’re wearing capri’s today.

4
Geekwif
August 31st, 2011
5:15 pm

I am so sorry, Kelsey. You’re right. That is horrifyingly awful. LaLa’s comment was so sweet. With all the fun and funny stories you girls have between you, I’m sure she’ll be able to help you forget.

I do have to admit though, the evangelism/buttcheek line was just classic, classic funny.
Geekwif recently posted..Sneak Preview

5
Linda
August 31st, 2011
5:42 pm

Marilyn Monroe did the same thing and they just errected a 20-foot statue of her. Religious groups are protesting because men are standing beneath her blowing dress and looking up to see her UNDERWEAR!

Just imagine how much more fabulous she would have looked if she was wearing BOOTS! Like YOU!

It all depends on how you look at these things!

Also, when you check the mirror at home for flaws, remember that natural daylight is much kinder to cellulite than indoor lighting. And red panties are always a plus.

The folks in the parking lot will get over it. Or not. Hahaha… : )
Linda recently posted..Tick tock…

6
Jan
August 31st, 2011
8:02 pm

Oh Kels, I am beginning to think we are long lost sisters. One day when I was teaching middle school, I somehow got the back hem of my swirly skirt tucked into the waistband of my panty hose, and didn’t realize it until my class erupted in laughter.
At least you will probably never see that father and son again. I had to face those kids every day for the rest of the school year.
Jan recently posted..Grits: That’s What’s for Breakfast

7
Sara
September 1st, 2011
3:59 am

Oh, Kelsey! I’ve gone home and looked in my mirror wondering just how much I had mistakenly flashed someone myself. So I feel with and for you! But awww, what sweet boys you have…

8
Laurie
September 1st, 2011
7:36 am

Oh, I am sorry! I did the same as Jan with my big skirt and walked all through a hosptial like that. I also walked through church (which was being held temporarily in the gym=”stadium seating”) with toilet paper coming out of my pants. Good times! Thanks for always making me laugh!

Laurie

9
Kelsey
September 1st, 2011
4:15 pm

LaLa,
um… yeah. I’m still cringing. the boys were very sweet – didn’t even seem embarrassed of me.

Inkling,
you are SO kind. thank you. (this very much made MY day, and it has been a DAY!)

Mysti,
capris today! goodwill boxes getting loaded in the closet, anything else you can accurately predict?! very impressive. worst ever skirt incident was when i came out here at age 18. well. until now. UGH.

Geekwif
you’re VERY right. i’ll share something about her soon!

Linda
didn’t people see that coming…? that men (and women) would stand
there and look up? kinda… predictable. but marylin had that personality. that ‘oooh look, and one day there should be a statue commemorating this’ sort of sass. and i… well. right.

but i’m taking your lighting advice VERY seriously and when i start to panic about this event, i remember that the lighting was kind. i trust you on this since you are a part time floridian and should therefore know such things. also, thank GOD for Amee’s butt class or it would have been much worse. : )

Jan
OH NO!!! that’s awful! seeing those students every day would have been a whole new level of humility…
even if i were to see them again, i wouldn’t know it. i never recognize people. something i do NOT mind right now!!

Sara
you too, Sara!!! Recreating the scene mattered somehow, and a LOT, and then it seemed silly, but here you are saying you get it and have done it yourself. OH THANK YOU for saying that.

Laurie
NOOooo! Oh, that’s awful! I mean, you’d think we’d KNOW, right? but no. there we go…
(i’m so glad you told me. really. thank you.)

10
Melissa
September 1st, 2011
4:31 pm

Jan, I totally disagree with never meeting them again. I ALWAYS come across people I have formerly embarrassed myself with.

On the bright side, I don’t think they will recognize her face.

hehehe

11
Kelsey
September 1st, 2011
5:49 pm

Melissa,
LOVELY. Really. Ha!
Kelsey recently posted..CYA Policy Now More Strictly Enforced

12
Mysti
September 2nd, 2011
3:12 pm

Cool. I’m psychic.

Be grateful for those boys. My boys? Would have been laughing so uproariously that I’d probably have to have set my groceries down and opened the car door myself, crawled in then threatened to LEAVE THEM THERE IF THEY DIDN’T QUIT LAUGHING AND GET IN THE TRUCK! And then they would have posted it on Facebook.

But I have teenagers. With warped sense of humors. Be grateful for your sweeties.

13
Michele
September 5th, 2011
9:59 pm

Yes, I agree, you’re boys are very sweet. They’re precious to be so considerate and chivalrous.

And two things I want to say: Your cellulite situation must be zilch if that guy thought it was a good idea to start going back to church after ‘witnessing your testimony’, ahem.

AND it’d probably be a good idea for you to wear shorts under your skirt from now on like I make my four year old do and that won’t happen to you ever again. :P

But ‘who knew’ about the wind? They should put weights in skirts to hold them down. Sorry you had to experience that! And mostly sorry about soggy, sticky boots. :S
Michele recently posted..The "Farm" Life

14
Michele
September 5th, 2011
10:03 pm

Computers apparently don’t know what ‘recently’ means. That same stupid post has been the last thing on my blog for a year now.
Michele recently posted..The "Farm" Life

15
Emily
September 11th, 2011
9:25 pm

I am so sorry! That’s horrible. I’ve had close calls before, but nothing (I’m pretty sure) that…revealing.
Emily recently posted..Me from A to Z

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