Tuesday, October 25th 2011
I Should Have Left My Penis At Home. Lesson Learned.

This morning: Driving down a back road between favorite burrito breakfast place and my house.

Goal: to take my friend, a dog lover, home with me to meet the new dog. (Burritos and girl talk already completed, per Tuesday ritual.)

Conflict: pulled over by a State Trooper.

Reason: we have NO idea.

I was NOT speeding. The speed limit was 45, and my friend and I both agree there was no way at all I was going more than 50, but we both thought it was more in the 45-47 range. REALLY. YES. REALLY.

He turned on his lights and u-turned behind me and did a finger point that said, “hey, you. pull over right now.”

Like I didn’t get that from the u-turn and the red and blue flashing lights and the sudden heat in my ears? 

My friend and I start immediately discussing how strange this is since OBVIOUSLY THERE WAS NO SPEEDING.

“Ohmygosh. I was weaving? Was I weaving? Sometimes I do that.”

“No, you were not weaving…?!”

What can I say? I’ve been pulled over for suspected DUI many times for my driving style that – although perfectly sober – just sorta LOOKS drunkish to law enforcement for reasons I fail to understand.

It was a safe assumption.

This State Trooper had NO intention of ticketing me. Why do they do that? He said I was going “a little” over the speed limit and he was giving me a warning. I did not argue. I did not point out how very true the words “a little” were in his sentence.

I apologized profusely and tried not to look at his dorky trooper hat and think of Melissa’s blog on how they know they’re dorky and you are NOT supposed to mention it or anything. Like, ever. And I wouldn’t have noticed it at all except that I just read that yesterday, thanks Melissa, and that was all I could think of when there it was right in my face.

But no problem.

I avoided that pitfall.

And made my own.

If you’ve been around me at any point in the last three weeks, you have heard the words, “I need to clean out my purse.” And yet I haven’t done it. And I don’t really like a messy purse.

The contents of my purse at that moment included the following items:

A basil scented penis shaped soap (of COURSE i’m packing a penis at this moment. A green herbal one. OF COURSE. i’d already whipped it out at breakfast, too.)

Feminine products of several varieties and in quantities far too great for one woman and two purses. It looked like I was REALLY well prepared.

Hot pink Victoria’s Secret gift card

A green folder with my personality test information in it.

a defective black plastic fork that i intend to give my dad because it has three tines that are the correct length and then one on the end is WAAAAAY long. It makes me laugh. Only because I didn’t try to actually use it.  I got it at a burrito-with-friend breakfast a couple weeks ago.

a TON of brochures and tickets and maps from Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom. Some in Spanish, because I was trying to challenge Ethan-11yr because he was getting bored.

a thousand-y lip glosses and lipsticks

NONE OF WHICH I WANTED THE STATE TROOPER IN THE DORK HAT TO SEE, ESPECIALLY THE GREEN PENIS.  Which was about impossible since he was standing RIGHT THERE, he was tall, and he was watching me dig through ALL of this in order to finally find a license. Actually, my friend was digging through one purse and I was digging through the bigger OUTER purse and you don’t EVEN want me to explain that nonsense to you. It all translates to: “I really need to clean out my purse(s).”

So I’m looking for a driver’s license. In all that mess. And we can’t find it. And this is because I’m trying SO HARD not to let this man see into my purse that he’s probably afraid I’m hiding a gun and not a penis. I’m actually trying harder to conceal my messy purse contents than I am trying to find the stupid license and it takes FOREVER.

Finally.

I hand it over and try to hide behind my hair.

He walks back to his car. I tell my friend what I was doing and all the stuff I didn’t want him to see.

“WHAT? That’s a ridiculous thought. I would have been like, “hang on, I can’t find it in here, would you please hold my tampon, Officer?”

And NO, she wouldn’t have, but it made me snort.

The State Trooper was smiling. BIG. In his car. As evidenced easily by looking in my rearview mirror. It seemed weird. Unprofessional. Aren’t they supposed to be all scary and intimidating in order to offset the effect of the hat?

I don’t know. But he was nice and I have no idea what he actually saw that he found so amusing.

But if i had to guess, I’d say it was the green loofah soap penis that smells of basil. It always makes me laugh, too.

He came back and gave me a warning. It didn’t say how fast I was really going. I think he was too embarrassed to type in 46.2 mph in a 45 mph zone. But that’s okay.

At least he didn’t think I was drunk.

CRAZY, for sure.

But not drunk.

~hm

12 Comments on “I Should Have Left My Penis At Home. Lesson Learned.”

1
J-mom
October 25th, 2011
7:45 pm

Ok, it is time to retire the basil penis. There is way too much mileage on that thing. It was a carefully selected gift from a lovely outdoor market in Kauai. Your auntie and I did not see the penile features but if it is going to get in you in trouble with the law, just ditch it. And I am not even going to ask why you were carrying it around in the first place. I am glad the story had a happy ending.

2
Kelsey
October 25th, 2011
8:50 pm

MOM!
RETIRE…? THE? PENIS???

Oh, I think not. It might be one of my most prized possessions. Certainly one of my most favorite gifts EVER, and partly because it was totally like SURPRISE, I AM A PENIS and shocked us all when it wasn’t just a normal basil soap blob. I LOVE IT.

I finally cleaned out my purse. And unfortunately, my green penis soap had apparently warmed up a little and maybe softened (sorry, no other way to say this) and then it collected all this black fuzz from the bottom of my black purse and it looked really gross so then i had to wash it off and now it’s good as new. And NOT FIT FOR RETIREMENT.

I will, however, quit carrying it in a concealed way. I’m thinking mantelpiece. I had it stashed in my bathroom cabinet under the sink, but everytime i opened that cabinet it would fall out and make me scream.

3
Kelsey
October 25th, 2011
9:41 pm

mom,
OH. I bet you meant that figuratively. retire the penis as a blog feature? well…. yes. but i write about my life. and today my life featured a penis in a handbag and a run in with the law and there’s no way that can actually happen and then not be blogged. it would be seriously impossible.

(but i can make sure it’s not in my purse again.)

i sorta thought you’d be pleased in some way – i mean – ALL those conversations where i squirmed while you insisted on using proper anatomically correct terminology…. and here ya go. putting it all to good use, i am! aren’t you just SO proud? HA!

4
HolyCousin
October 25th, 2011
10:31 pm

I have to take one for the team on this one… Kelsey was looking for lip balm for my chronically chapped lips when the penis soap fell out of her cabinet. She’d brought it to show me so I could well, you know, see it in person. I’m glad that you have restored it to its natural state.

5
Mother T
October 26th, 2011
7:26 am

Wow! Just Wow! I have laughed so hard over this post and the comments that my stomach hurts.
Mother T recently posted..Looking Back at The Weekend

6
LaLa
October 26th, 2011
10:15 am

Quick question: is the penis soap in your bag for your visit this weekend? ‘Cause I haven’t seen it yet. And I’m betting the TSA officials in various airports haven’t either!

7
Sarah
October 26th, 2011
12:19 pm

I had 48 posts in my reader and which did I go to first? The one that had ‘penis’ in the title. I can’t decide if the post itself or your comments to your mom are funnier. Oh my word. I snorted over the “softened” comment. Dying.

Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Sarah recently posted..Can’t Get Enough

8
Holy Mimi
October 26th, 2011
5:29 pm

I’m curious now too! Keep it in your purse so we can see it too!

9
LaLa
October 27th, 2011
9:17 am

I’m so tickled by the name Holy Mimi that I’m snorting and giggling at my desk in a MOST unseemly manner. That rocks!

10
Mysti
October 27th, 2011
4:05 pm

Kelsey, PLEASE don’t let Jmom convince you to retire the basil penis. I personally would be bereft if there were no more random mentionings of the basil penis. It’s such a part of Holy Mama now that I’m almost surprised it hasn’t been renamed holy basil penis or holypenis or something. Or maybe that’s because after reading all these comments by your holy relatives that now I think of it as the holypenis and that’s. just. wrong.

But funny. Or maybe the cold weather today just froze my brain. Either way – I vote against retirement.

11
Geekwif
October 27th, 2011
9:39 pm

Oh my. This is hilarious. And Mysti’s comment about calling it holypenis. So funny! I told the Geek about this story and he laughed hysterically, which is really good since it’s been a pretty icky week for him and he could use all the good laughs he can get. So thanks for making us both laugh. And don’t retire it, please. There’s too much potential there for more hilarity.
Geekwif recently posted..European Vacation – Paris – Notre Dame and the Arc de Triomphe

12
Stacey
November 1st, 2011
11:06 am

I am dying over here with this post and all the comments! Some day I have to meet you in person :)

BTW, did you see the message I left you in your inbox on FB? I know you’re not on there much so probably not. Had a weird dream about you…
Stacey recently posted..Steroids

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