Wednesday, November 30th 2011
The Calendar Has Smiled Upon Us

As SOON as you vow to not write the word ‘penis’ for the whole month of December, you’ll get confused and think that it is ALREADY December and that really stinks because you JUST remembered about 7 penis stories that you meant to blog but now you can’t until January and so THEN you make a Penis List on a green notepad on the nightstand  and then forget to put it away before the housekeeper gets to that room and… well. Maria did not make eye contact or talk to me after that. And normally she would, but not much, but I think it was definitely an unfortunate moment in our relationship.

But you see where this is going.

It’s NOVEMBER.

NOT December.

Start you Advent count-y down thing with candy and scripture with the kids TOMORROW, not today! Because today is the official last day of penis discussions til 2012. Which y’all all knew before I did because you probably didn’t get confused about the November/December demarcation line.  Which is NOT all that fuzzy, but for some reason, it was for me this year. (In case it is for you also, though, heads up! it’s at midnight!)

(I turned into a moron very gradually. In case you were wondering. I don’t think I was always this way. Turn on your twang and sing, “Life… turned her… that waaaaay….” Because it was more like THAT than *bam-sudden-moron.* Did that make sense…?)

When I realized I might have damaged my relationship with Maria I thoughtlessly panicked and threw away my Penis List. So this is sorta from memory and it’s shorter than the original. (shut up. I tried to re-word that for 8 whole minutes before giving up. go ahead and try – i dare ya. i couldn’t come up with any better options.)

 Unofficial Penis List:

(not risque and totally workplace-friendly because i am seriously un-risque. the most shocking thing i do is blog too much about penises, and not even in a sexual way. my parents must be so proud.)

 

 

1.  Yes. I have turkey penis pictures. But I will not blog them because I am committed to not exploiting the overtly sexualized whole grain baked beauty of browned turkey goodness from small towns in west texas. Real live Christian mommybloggers would NEVER exploit a turkey penis. Standards, people.

(on a blog, I mean. but  real live Christian mommybloggers would TOTALLY email you pics if you asked. Stan!dards!)

 

2. I wondered about the ladies who bake the turkey porn-art offerings and how that came to be. This is what I imagined probably happened. I mean, CLEARLY, a conversation like this occurred between two women with flour on their hands and purity and devotion in their hearts for preparing quality baked goods for the region:

“Mary, I don’t know how to make one of those turkey wattle things? Those things that hang down by the beak?”

“Oh. Yeah. Me neither. Just make it look like a penis then.”

“Circumcised or not?”

“Oh, DEFINITELY circumcised. And don’t forget the testicles. We’re going for realistic, here.”

“GOOD IDEA. OKAY. NO ONE WILL EVER NOTICE THAT AT THEIR THANKSGIVING TABLE.”

 

3. This isn’t really a penis thing. Well. Maybe it is. That’s just it – I don’t KNOW. When I bought my Obscene Turkey, the ladies at the bakery gave me a golden envelope. Sealed. They said to bring it back next week and THEY would open it and I would receive my prize. It’s out in the car, or I’d list all the potential prizes that are printed on the back of the envelope. I have until December 4 to take it in. (Yo. That’s coming up in… a few days. I’m ALL over time management this week.) I could rip it open and see if there’s something entertaining and inappropriate to blog about. It could be a note that says, “ha ha. you bought a turkey with a penis and didn’t NOTICE? you need to slow down the pace of your life, girl.”  Or I could drive back to this little town (not far) and claim the ‘prize.’ Or reject it if they try to hand me more penis-y parker house rolls. I”M DONE WITH THAT, AND THANKS, LADIES, FOR THE HOLIDAY AWKWARD. Feel free to weigh in on this life altering decision. They do make the most glorious thumbprint cookies I’ve ever had so it wouldn’t be a total waste. To drive to the bakery or no?

4. Here in West Texas, the land is flaaaaat. Which is why the children and I trip more than usual when we go out of town. Our bodies are not used to subtle fluctuations in the earth’s surface and it confuses us into frequent faceplants. Well, Caden-7yr and me, anyway. But what we are REALLY not used to is the serious hilliness of the land near my dad and stepmom’s place. Before we get to their place there is a road with hills that gives us all that butterfly in the stomach feeling. And if you drive that road FAST, it makes me want to scream. At Mike. A LOT. But this is the effect it has had on the children over the years:

“OooooOOOOOoh! That SCARED my pay-nis!”

“My TWINKLETHING JUST… MOVED!

“CROSS YOUR LEGS!!!! EVERYONE! CROSS! YOUR! LEGS!!! IT”S ABOUT TO HAPPEN!”

“GRAB! YOUR! SELVES!!!!!!!”

“That tickled my twinklething! That TICKLED!!! MY!!! TWINKLETHING!!!”

5. Last week Maria was cleaning in my bathroom and I heard a little gasp and a cabinet door slam. VERY un-Maria-ish. I didn’t go check because I figured it was a spider and I didn’t want to be near a spider in case then I was morally obligated to offer to kill it. And I wouldn’t have. I would have said, “I’ll pay you extra to kill that. PLEASE?” (Ask me how I know this.)

After she left I was in the bathroom, putting something away in a cabinet and noticed my basil penis soap was not where it usually is. And I remembered the gasp and the slam. IT HAPPENED TO HER, TOO.

Whenever I open that cabinet, it jumps out at me and scares me and I toss it back in and gasp and slam the door. Apparently the green basil penis soap effects all women the same way. Interesting.

 

6. A couple weeks ago, Seth-6yr and I were sitting on the living room floor next to each other. We were petting the dogs and watching football and Duke walked across Seth-6yr.

Duke doesn’t normally step on people, and this is good, because he’s 80 pounds and it hurts.

Seth-6yr was hurt. “DUKE! You stepped on my WEINER!” And he repeated this.

I was APPALLED at his word choice. APPALLED. If you have ever not corrected your children from referring to a penis as a ‘twinklething’ – and in fact thought it was ADORABLE – then you are clearly not the sort of person who is okay with this use of the word ‘weiner.’    EW. Ew. ew, ew, ew, ew.

I gave Mike a look that said, “PLEASE CORRECT THIS. YOU ARE THE MAN. IT IS THE MAN-JOB TO CORRECT THIS RIGHT NOW. WE DON”T EVEN EAT HOT DOGS IN THIS HOUSE, SO THERE IS NO REASON IN THE WORLD FOR THAT WORD TO EVER BE UTTERED. HELP. I HATE IT.”

And Mike said, “Seth-6yr. You mean, ‘Duke stepped on my ‘penis?’ That’s what you mean? Can you say that instead? ‘Duke stepped on my penis.’ Go ahead – say that.”

Seth-6yr looked at me like, “WHAT IS DAD ON?! NO. WAY.”

I’m looking at Mike like, “WHAT ARE YOU ON? I didn’t mean for you to say THAT. Can we go back to twinklething? NEVERMIND, OH MY GOSH.”

And Mike reads all of this and hisses, “WHAT? You wanted me to correct him? WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO SAY?”

“I HADN”T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD! I JUST DON”T LIKE “WEINER”!”

And then Mike turns to Seth-6yr and requests the repeat of “Duke stepped on my penis” thing again. With a straight face, he does this. I think I’m just going to crawl under the couch and DIE right now out of sheer uncomfortableness. Seth-6yr snuggles into my side to hide from the horror of this moment in his life and whispers, “duke stepped on my tee-nis.”

And I hug him and kiss him because that was so cute and HE MADE THE AWKWARD STOP and frankly, I am GRATEFUL.

(teenis anyone?)

7. I KNOW there was a 7. On the official list. I can’t remember. Maybe in 2012, y’all.

~hm

14 Comments on “The Calendar Has Smiled Upon Us”

1
LaLa
November 30th, 2011
1:22 pm

You are in rare form today, Toots. Rare form.

2
Geekwif
November 30th, 2011
1:44 pm

I’ve lived in hilly country all my life and I have never heard any man (or boy) utter anything like the words, “That TICKLED!!! MY!!! TWINKLETHING!!!” Must be something you only notice if you’re not used to hills.

And thank you for giving me a new word. I am SO bad about the whole using-the-correct-word thing. I grew up in a family where we weren’t even allowed to say “butt” so real words? Beyond difficult. So from now on, when referring to boy parts I’m going to use “tee-nis”. It’s perfect.
Geekwif recently posted..NaNoWriMo – Confidence and Strangeness

3
Kelsey
November 30th, 2011
1:55 pm

LaLa,
oh I KNOW. Good thing you’re safely far away. I’m a mess.

GW,
HA! i’m a total butt hypocrite. I don’t let the boys say butt.

i do recommend teenis. it’s better than ‘oooh, honey. those pants are kinda showing your turkey wattle.” TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. That does not go over well.

4
LaLa
November 30th, 2011
6:45 pm

How have you had time to tell someone those pants don’t flatter his turkey wattle?! That only happened last week!!

5
Holy Mimi
November 30th, 2011
8:59 pm

I Like twinklething. Penis is on my list of “most hated words”. Growing up with two brothers it was always “the tallywacker”. EWE! Yuk! Who came up with that!!! Twinklething works for me. Funny post!

6
Jan
December 1st, 2011
9:00 am

Will you e-mail me pics of this momentous creation?
I am struggling with the concept that bread dough could be deliberately shaped into such an object.
Jan recently posted..Our Chihuahuas

7
Mysti
December 1st, 2011
3:07 pm

(I’m beyond grateful to Jan so that I wouldn’t be the first one to ask for pics of the turkey tee-nis. Just saying. ….in case you lost it ;-) )

Also – insert hilarious undignified snorting laughter here at twinklething. And the whole tickling of said twinklething while driving up and down hills. And well this whole darn post devoted to tee-nis-y things. Girl – you totally made my afternoon. You must give each of your boys extra hugs from the invisible internet people for me for being so darn funny.

8
Linda
December 1st, 2011
8:51 pm

God bless Maria.

I wasn’t going to write a penis story this month either, but since you did, I will too. ; )

I’m also going to Google “turkey penis” because I’m not sure about this one. You might be faking. Google #2 “green basil penis soap?”

Last week Niles was getting a little frisky with his favorite toy, Miss Lucy. His little peepee got a little stiffy to the extent that he couldn’t walk, just stood there. In Ohio, we call that a little kickstand.

Somehow we all survived. Hugs : )
Linda recently posted..A cowboy, a drunk, and a man in a navy blue blazer

9
JB
December 2nd, 2011
1:47 pm

I am so laughing at all of your penis stories. I don’t know what I’m going to do the entire month of December! Also my email is ****** I’ve just got to have a picture of the well-hung turkey.
JB recently posted..10 inches

10
Kelsey
December 2nd, 2011
2:12 pm

laLa
it took no time at all! :)

HolyMimi
tallywacker is worse than weiner. OH MY GOSH.

jan
your reaction was priceless.

mysti
you are So sweet. and now i’m deleting your email address, silly!

linda,
KICKSTAND!? Awesome.

JB
and yours, too JB!

quickly, before you get spammed and it’s all my fault!

11
Melissa
December 2nd, 2011
3:05 pm

Linda, you are brave to google turkey penis. I am morbidly curious to see what results turn up but too chicken to google it myself. You must share. Ditto basil penis soap. Kickstand? oh wow. ok

My only penis story and it really isn’t penis, its the friends that hang out. My son (then about 4 or 5) is in the bath tub and starts yelling “mom, mom!!”. I go in and he is holding the friends and says “Look! Knuckles has two friends! See! 1 and 2!”.

aaagghh! He NAMED it??!! Clearly a freak out moment if I ever had one. Quietly walk out and laugh. I think “Knuckles” was named after sonic the hedgehog’s friend. He loved that cartoon. Apparently too much.

12
JB
December 3rd, 2011
1:44 pm

FYI for those too chicken to google basil penis soap….it brings you right back to Kelsey’s blog….
JB recently posted..10 inches

13
JB
December 3rd, 2011
1:47 pm

oh and you can also find a website where you can buy a kit to make a copy of your own penis at home…” Luxurious, moisturizing formula leaves skin ultra clean and touchably soft”
JB recently posted..10 inches

14
Sarah
December 20th, 2011
6:27 pm

So I’m about to comment on this penis post and I see that on JBs comment, her last post was titled “10 inches” and I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!

Moving on.

We use the real words for parts around our house. I hate the female body part word but really, what cute name is there for that that hasn’t been wronged?! I don’t mind the word penis and it really doesn’t have to be used too often in this house since there is only one.

However.

When my oldest was two she saw Josh leave the shower, asked what *that* was and I told her. A couple of days later, Josh’s parents are over and Jaylee announces to my in-laws, “Daddy has uh peeenus.” My very proper MIL kept her gasp to herself and says, “Really? Dad has some peanuts?” Jaylee, “noooo, peeenuuss.” MIL: “Peanuts, you mean.” Jaylee: “Nooo, pee-nus.”

Finally my MIL gave up. I think to this day she’s horrified our girls know the proper term for body parts.
Sarah recently posted..A prompt about lists? {swoon}

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