Monday, November 28th 2011
Tractors, Family, Turkeys, Bleach

There’s just so much to say. I always think that when I come home from a short trip. But really, I’d rather not be writing anything and instead I’d rather be reading all of your posts. So I’ll keep this short and then do that.

*You’ll want to remember this Not-So-Martha Stewart Tip for next year:

Liven up the Thanksgiving table by picking up a bread offering from a local bakery. The one I chose was in the form of a very large turkey and comprised of pull apart rolls, some with poppy seeds and some with sesame seeds on the tail feathers. Very cute. Until you look closely and notice that the turkey’s wattle (that hang-y down-y thing near the beak) is actually not wattle-like. It’s penile-like. VERY, VERY PENIS-Y. Also? Not to scale with the rest of the turkey. BIG and PENIS-Y, this turkey. No one wanted that… part. (Pass the potatoes, and hold the penis please.)

Did NOT notice this about the bird until right before Thanksgiving dinner, when the turkey is proudly posing in the dining room for all to see. And all DID see, wandering in one and two at a time and looking…. examining…. smiling… walking off. It was agreed upon that there was definitely… an issue. In case y’all just think I am imagining everything to be penisy when it isn’t, LIKE THE BASIL SOAP, well, you’d be wrong. Everyone who saw that soap and everyone who saw that turkey saw the same surprising thing I did. I just wish I’d noticed the special attributes of that turkey BEFORE I BOUGHT IT because I happened to meet four new lovely relatives for the very first time, and I’d rather not be the ‘oh, yeah, is she the one who brought the well-hung turkey last year…?” relative. But. Too late. That’s me.

OF COURSE THAT’S ME.

I think the ladies in this small town bakery might have a sense of humor. I said as much to my mom and she was all, “nah. I doubt it looked like that before baking. It probably just looked different as it rose.”

“UM…? Yeah. They usually do, Mom.”

And then we sat in the car and giggled.

That’s not exactly how she meant it. But she later changed her mind anyway, stating that there was really no accidental way that could have come out looking quite like that. I agree.

*One relative had a very strange medical emergency that could have been MUCH more serious than it has turned out to be, and so we are very thankful. But it still included a hospital stay and it wasn’t exactly the weekend she had planned.  VERY, VERY glad she’s all right.

*Caden-7yr got poison ivy. I went to tell the other boys not to get poison ivy (helpful of me), and when I came back, Mike and my dad were BLEACHING Caden-7yr’s poison ivy covered arms. This did NOT go over well with me. But 2 hours later the poison ivy was gone and I became a big believer in bleaching small children. I’d like to regularly bleach Caden-7yr now. Maybe weekly. Or monthly. Or after every meal.  If any one of the three boys needs a regular bleaching, it IS Caden-7yr. I’d never heard of bleaching children before, but now I am all for it. Someone should have thought of this years ago. (remember the coca cola song? I’d like to teach… the world to sing….?  I can’t sing. And i can’t be taught. But that song should be rewritten to say, “I’d like to teach… the world to bleach… the children…” Oh nevermind. That didn’t sound right. I got that song mixed up into a weird mash of the coca cola song and We Are the World. See? I am not musical. I swear that made sense in my head. sorry, y’all.)

*I mowed several pastures the day after Thanksgiving. It took many hours of sunlit peace and solitude and I enjoyed it. (No one asked me to mow. They wouldn’t have done that. I offered a few times before my dad agreed.)

*Mom and I did crafty bride-like things with LaLa. They were questionably successful, but that was weather related. Not all things that go wrong are my fault. I think that’s what I’m trying to clarify there.

*My stepmother made an AMAZING amount of delicious food. And hostessed… a lotta people. With a smile. All things I cannot do.

*My dad let Seth-6yr sit in his lap and drive the big tractor. SO CUTE.

*My stepbrothers married WELL. (Not surprising. They’re great.) I met both their wives for the first time and liked them both a lot. One is a doctor who was very knowledgeable and helpful when the Thanksgiving Medical Crisis struck, and the other made a mac and cheese that I will possibly NEVER forget, it was so yummy.

*Conversation overheard at checkout line at Target today: “Well. I don’t know. Tyler didn’t eat the turkey and HE got food poisoning too. So it must have been something else…”  I felt so bad for Tyler’s family Thanksgiving celebration. Whoever they are. They woulda have a lovely time with my family instead.

From me to you, a pledge:

I’ll try not to use the word ‘penis’ in any blog posts during the entire month of December. You might think that is an easy goal. I assure you, it is not. 

 

~hm

11 Comments on “Tractors, Family, Turkeys, Bleach”

1
Jan
November 28th, 2011
5:37 pm

Wish you had posted a picture of that turkey, along with the basil soap! So glad most of your holiday went well. We had a medical issue too–one of the granddaughters came down with viral bronchitis and had to go to the dr. Fri.
Jan recently posted..Thanksgiving Menu

2
Geekwif
November 28th, 2011
6:04 pm

Wow. There are more unexpectedly hangy-downy-thing-shaped things in your world than anyone I know. I need to start keeping my eyes open. Maybe they’re all over and I just don’t notice them. Then again, maybe I don’t want to. Your accounts of them make me laugh though. I mean, how can you not be amused by a phrase like “yeah, is she the one who brought the well-hung turkey last year”?

So glad you had a nice Thanksgiving and good mac and cheese. There really is nothing like good mac and cheese.

One more thing. I just have to know. Did you get to ride the tractor to mow the pastures? Because if you did it’s just one more opportunity to live vicariously through you until I can get my own tractor.
Geekwif recently posted..NaNoWriMo – Confidence and Strangeness

3
melissa
November 28th, 2011
9:14 pm

Maybe you shouldve borrowed a sports cup from one of the boys?

4
LaLa
November 28th, 2011
9:16 pm

I love your ambitious December goal. You go, girl.

5
Mother T
November 29th, 2011
6:52 am

You just absolutely make me laugh! I do love reading your adventures!
Mother T recently posted..A Hidden Treasure

6
Holy Mimi
November 29th, 2011
10:03 am

It was the best Thanksgiving ever! Minus the medical crisis.

7
Mysti
November 29th, 2011
5:02 pm

I…can’t even. Thanks for the laugh at the end of my day. It’s not often your read “is she the one who brought the well-hung turkey last year”? And I will forever wonder how exactly it was done.

(Because, as I’ve stated before, I’m twelve.)

8
Sarah
December 20th, 2011
6:08 pm

“Pass the potatoes, and hold the penis please.”

Pretty sure those will be my favorite words from your blog for infinity.

I love the casual way you use the word, almost like you’re using the word “the” in a sentence. At least that’s how often you’ve been able to use it lately. :)
Sarah recently posted..A prompt about lists? {swoon}

9
Karl
December 22nd, 2014
11:54 pm

well, i guess it’s that turk-y that had the last laugh. :)
Karl recently posted..Tractors and Their History

10
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