Monday, January 30th 2012
Greetings from the Ottoman’s Empire

OH, BUT Y’ALL MAKE ME LAUGH.

thank you.

Just saw the comments on the previous post and they are quite a group of funny questions and remarks and lovely unwanted nicknames for my butt and advice and there’s even an appearance by my dad.

Quickly, though, I’ll just say:

yes on the avoiding ear infections, thank you GW!

I’d never PIERCE?! MY?! BUTT?!, JS

Not FH, Jan, but VS ‘pink.’  (Hopefully discontinued.)

Melissa, a tattoo that “trickles down into a buttcrack” is QUITE A PHRASE, ohmygosh.

JB, cellulite needs no explanation or defense. it’s like ear wax. : ) you don’t have to like it, but there’s no need to acknowledge or apologize for it. you know? (of course, there’s no need to exaggerate the effect with studded panties, either, so what do i know?)

 

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Furniture people just left. Remember that i told you that mike went on a furniture buying spree and I was so apathetic about the entire thing that I was all, “eh. whatever you want. i don’t care?”

Right.

WELL.

There’s a brown fuzzy loveseat and an ottoman that now sits in the living room.

And by ottoman, I actually mean “gigantically oversized brown square the size of a small apartment” and by sits I actually mean, “looms like a black hole ready to take on anything that foolishly ventures too close to its gravitational pull.”

I took a photo of Duke (the now EIGHTY FIVE pound dog) sitting next to the “ottoman.” They’re the same fuzzy brown. But then I did a doubletake at the photo because it’s the strangest thing ever – Duke looks like a super sweet six week old chocolate labrador puppy in this picture. Not a giant dog. A teeny little puppy.

It’s like an optical illusion just got delivered by two guys in grey hoodies and now it’s my very own.  I think I’ll put on my fat jeans and go sit on the ottoman and feel all delicate and dainty. I had Girl Scout cookies for breakfast. This will thoroughly UNDO that bad choice, and THEN SOME.

Behold the power of the ottoman.

I sent the picture to mike and to my mom and was like, “LOOK AT DUKE!”

Mom questioned the existence of the new helicopter landing pad in the living room (exactly, thankyou).

Mike asked if I liked it and wanted to keep it and if I sat on the loveseat.

Uh….? It actually did not occur to me to get that close. I’m still circling it warily.  And no, I don’t really like it, because it’s kinda scary how it distorts reality without even trying and i generally don’t appreciate that quality in furniture or people. But it should be kept because it’s very good for three little boys who will soon be three bigger boys. And that’s all that matters.

I’ll get used to it.

If you don’t hear from me, though, I’ve either disappeared again because of Life, or because my furniture swallowed me whole and I am gone forever. Don’t come after me. Save yourselves.

If I can figure out how to post that picture, I will. It’s crazy.

~hm

5 Comments on “Greetings from the Ottoman’s Empire”

1
Geekwif
January 30th, 2012
11:15 am

Would love to see the picture! And wasn’t this new furniture supposed to solve the problem of swallowing family members? I’m picturing a scene from The Lord of the Rings where a hobbit gets swallowed up by a tree. Not that it’s the same thing at all, but that’s the way my geeky mind works.
Geekwif recently posted..A Tale of Two Tales – and One Bag – In Three Parts

2
Mother T
January 30th, 2012
12:13 pm

Oh, the laughs that I have missed over the last 21 days!!! I have caught up with your blog first of all, and I’m so glad that I did!

My daughter has a circular chair that will seat their entire family comfortably! (2 5’11″ adults, a 5’2″ 10 yr old boy, and a rambunctious 3 yr old girl!) I understand about a piece of furniture taking over a room. Hopefully you will be able to get that picture to load.
Mother T recently posted..Back Again

3
Melissa
January 30th, 2012
1:14 pm

My house is too small for something like that. But sounds cool to me. It might be a good place for the boys to wrestle, like a boxing ring. Just put ropes around it and you’re good to go.
Melissa recently posted..Strong Mommy

4
J-mom
January 31st, 2012
12:35 pm

There are many things I enjoy and admire about your blog, including of course your humor, enviable writing skills and commitment to share your life. As you know, I also love a good title and this one has to be in your top five – so clever and visual! Thanks so much for sharing all of your talents.

5
Kelsey
January 31st, 2012
1:29 pm

GW,
EXCELLENT point. The previous furniture swallowed Caden-7yr and then bit down and wouldn’t let him out. This furniture looks like it could swallow you whole like a large, squooshy beanbag. More pleasant, but still similar. I love your geeky mind! I’ve never seen LoftheR, but that was quite an image.

Mother T,
WHAT…? Forget my ottoman – I need a picture of that chair!!

Melissa,
EVERYONE’S house is too small for this thing.

J-Mom
AWWWWWWW~! You’re the title queen. Glad you approve of this one. : )

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