Saturday, February 25th 2012
I’d Like To Remain Anonymous. At Church. Forever and Ever, Amen.

 

Important:

God and I are real clear on the divorce. Peace. Clarity. Understanding. Grace. If I didn’t have this – If i didn’t have HIM – I couldn’t be here, divorcing. Ah, the irony. If I didn’t have HIM all these years, I couldn’t have remained married, either. But here I am, living, moving on, and figuring out life. It just wouldn’t work without Him. That’s because I don’t work without Him.

Not so important:

The church people. Who do not understand what has transpired that has led to the above Important Thing, and I really don’t want to explain it. I don’t want to say what happened in this marriage. I don’t want to defend this decision, or Mike, or the kids, or myself. But it’s coming.  I hear it’s coming. They mean  well, and I appreciate so much their collective heart on this subject. I really do. It’s one of the reasons I liked this church in the first place.

But I’ve kept to myself for years and haven’t gotten to know anyone and just quietly kept my head down and slipped in and out, only taking the time to get to know and love the very youngest members of the church.  The problem with that, of course, is that no one knew me. Sure, that’s what I wanted. No one knows us, or how many kids we even have, or hey, i heard they have a daughter, or what exactly is our faith or marriage like and who ARE we…? No one knew. And I liked it like that. So did Mike. I don’t really trust people, and church leadership people maybe more than others.  I don’t like it when they say all the right things, the spiritually ‘correct’ things, even – and then when your guard is down hurt you in ways you didn’t see coming. (One of my biggest regrets is just such a moment. I was too stunned to fight back, and fight HARD, even though I knew how. Oh, if I could have that back.)  But now, no one really knows what would be true about me – or Mike – and what wouldn’t.  No one knew what was truly going on because, apart from God and my lovely therapist lady,  I never told anyone.  Still haven’t told anyone everything. Still don’t plan on it, since the details of a surprisingly ugly past really don’t mean anything to anyone now. They only mattered to me. I didn’t let anyone close in order to help, because I didn’t need that kind of help. What I was praying and hoping for was the sort of help that could only come directly from God.

A lot of y’all saw this coming for a long time. But that’s the difference. I know y’all. And y’all know me. I can tell y’all stuff without spelling it all out, and you get it because you get ME.  But to the church, this seems quite sudden and reversible and all it will take is a few good men to talk some sense into us. Except, that isn’t the case.  I don’t want to be talked to or about or for anyone to attempt to persuade me into or out of anything. Mike says he doesn’t either. But someone with a lot of good intentions has already told him to move back home immediately. (And I think we were both like, “uh…. no.”)

I spent a lot of time and energy and prayer and therapy and years of my life on this and I’m REAL sure.  We’re really well and truly finished.  Even our phones are divorced. That took a lot of teeth gnashing and TWO HOURS on the phone with AT&T, and I assure you neither one of us would have made it through that insane phone call unless we were both deeply committed to this divorce.

I wish it could just appear in the church bulletin and that be the end of it. Tomorrow I’d just like to keep my head down, slip in and teach the two year olds and love every second of it… and then slip out. I don’t want the well meaning church people to stop me in the hall or talk to me or talk about me or…  know or care or pray or be kind.

I’d just like to be left alone.

God and I have got it covered.

 

~hm

12 Comments on “I’d Like To Remain Anonymous. At Church. Forever and Ever, Amen.”

1
AngieSue
February 25th, 2012
10:10 pm

You are braver than I am, I would probably stop going to church to avoid all the gossip. If your church is anything like mine they would then ask you to step down from teaching the kids too, just be prepared if something like that does come about. Praying for you and that things continue to go as smoothly during this big transition. :)

2
Kelsey
February 25th, 2012
10:31 pm

angiesue,

OH. Well. if that happens I’ll just quietly slip out and no one will notice. : ) except maybe the 3 yr olds. But i hope not. they’re good people and i like them. even if i dont want to get to know them.

oh come ON, i know that made sense, right?!

3
AngieSue
February 25th, 2012
11:09 pm

Makes sense to me :)

4
Sara
February 26th, 2012
6:33 am

Sometimes the “most spiritual” Christians are the ones who can hurt us the most with their insensitivity. But I think most people tend to be understanding even if they’d be a little surprised in the beginning. I hope no one harasses you. And though it really isn’t my business, let me tell you that knowing how in tune you are with God is what has tempered my sadness over the news. Like you said, I just knew that you and God have got it covered.

5
Mother T
February 26th, 2012
1:48 pm

Many years ago, a very wise older sister in my church gave me some advice while my hubby and I were going through a really rough time. She said that there would be many people that would try to find out what was going on so they could “help” us through it. There would be some people that would ask what was going on so that they could “pray more effectively” for us. And then there would be a very few that would just step up beside us, pat us on the arm/shoulder/back and say “I’ll walk beside you through this.”

Every church has the whole gamut. Keep your eyes open for the last group. They are the ones that really live what they believe and don’t have to have the details or the answers. They will be your strength in the Body of Christ!
Mother T recently posted..Has It Really Been That Long??

6
Jan
February 26th, 2012
3:23 pm

Don’t be to quick to reject their prayers. Even if you don’t know or trust them, God knows them as well as He knows you, and will use their prayers for you in the best possible way. Just as He uses ours. Love you, dear heart. and praying for you, whether you want me to or not ;)
Jan recently posted..Book Review: WhenBad Things Happen to Good Knitters

7
Kelsey
February 26th, 2012
8:26 pm

Sara
thank you! i hope no one ‘harasses’ me either! but knowing me, a slightly too nice how are YOU today would feel like an intrusion. trust me. it did. you know, it makes sense to me that people in leadership will need to know something. i’m not above the idea of a church functioning like that – it only makes sense and it’s not something with which i have an objection. I’d just prefer to keep it brief, and involve as few people/meetings/words as is absolutely necessary. i wonder if that”s reasonable.

Mother T
thank you…. i tend to avoid everyone of all types… but you’re right.

Jan
oh JAN. I want YOUR prayers. I’m picky like that. : )

8
Susan
February 26th, 2012
8:43 pm

There is so much wisdom in Mother T’s comment. I hope that your church has many of the last type people she mentioned and few of the first two types! Just continue your prayers to the Lord and draw strength from the fact that others are lifting your family up in prayer as well. You know how celebrities are supposed to believe that there is no such thing as bad publicity… I guess we Christians might say that there is no such thing as bad prayers. Like Jan said, God will use their prayers for you in the best possible way even if they are praying for a reconciliation that you are sure is not meant to be.

9
Geekwif
February 27th, 2012
5:42 am

A lot of people in the church see divorce as something that simply isn’t done, but they don’t understand that while it is never a good thing, it is sometimes the necessary and even the right thing. I have personally seen proof of this in my husband’s family.

If anyone tries to bully you into telling them something you don’t want to, even if they intend to be helpful, then they are trying for the wrong reasons. Keep your explanations to those whom you trust implicitly and no one else, and if that is God alone then you’re in good hands.
Geekwif recently posted..Three Inches Of Snow – And I’m Okay With That

10
Kelsey
February 27th, 2012
1:04 pm

Susan,
THANK YOU. It’s a good church. Sweet, sweet people. The sweetest people I never wanted to get close to. : )

GW,
good advice. and no bullying so far! Just a lot of kind small talk from people who normally wouldn’t talk to me. And I’d like to go back to that.

11
Megan
February 27th, 2012
8:30 pm

So I know you probably don’t want to hear what I have to say…which is why I haven’t commented yet. The thing is that I don’t know why you and Mike have made the decision to separate and divorce. In my understanding of the Bible God is never with us on divorce and in fact the only biblically acceptable reason for divorce is infidelity. I know that many people have a different understanding of the scriptures, or choose not to spend time with His word understanding what he expects from us with marriage. The thing is you are breaking a vow that you took before God, and you are doing it willingly. Now you say you don’t want to know your brothers and sisters and you don’t want them to pray for you or help you through this time. Well I just can’t get behind that. We are supposed to be in subjection to the Lord and led by the elders which have been appointed in each congregation. We should seek guidance from them and from His word. I’m sorry I can stay silent when you say God is with you on the divorce because you have not given any reasons behind the divorce, but I cannot stay silent on this. You should be seeking support from your brothers and sisters. This is the time that you need community most. 1 Thess 5:10-11 The fact that you don’t want to know or talk to your brothers and sisters – well that’s your will and not His. I will be praying for you. That you do spend time in His inspired word and that he will give you understanding of His will in your life.

12
Kelsey
February 27th, 2012
11:38 pm

megan
i agree!!! emailing.

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