God and I are real clear on the divorce. Peace. Clarity. Understanding. Grace. If I didn’t have this – If i didn’t have HIM – I couldn’t be here, divorcing. Ah, the irony. If I didn’t have HIM all these years, I couldn’t have remained married, either. But here I am, living, moving on, and figuring out life. It just wouldn’t work without Him. That’s because I don’t work without Him.
Not so important:
The church people. Who do not understand what has transpired that has led to the above Important Thing, and I really don’t want to explain it. I don’t want to say what happened in this marriage. I don’t want to defend this decision, or Mike, or the kids, or myself. But it’s coming. I hear it’s coming. They mean well, and I appreciate so much their collective heart on this subject. I really do. It’s one of the reasons I liked this church in the first place.
But I’ve kept to myself for years and haven’t gotten to know anyone and just quietly kept my head down and slipped in and out, only taking the time to get to know and love the very youngest members of the church. The problem with that, of course, is that no one knew me. Sure, that’s what I wanted. No one knows us, or how many kids we even have, or hey, i heard they have a daughter, or what exactly is our faith or marriage like and who ARE we…? No one knew. And I liked it like that. So did Mike. I don’t really trust people, and church leadership people maybe more than others. I don’t like it when they say all the right things, the spiritually ‘correct’ things, even – and then when your guard is down hurt you in ways you didn’t see coming. (One of my biggest regrets is just such a moment. I was too stunned to fight back, and fight HARD, even though I knew how. Oh, if I could have that back.) But now, no one really knows what would be true about me – or Mike – and what wouldn’t. No one knew what was truly going on because, apart from God and my lovely therapist lady, I never told anyone. Still haven’t told anyone everything. Still don’t plan on it, since the details of a surprisingly ugly past really don’t mean anything to anyone now. They only mattered to me. I didn’t let anyone close in order to help, because I didn’t need that kind of help. What I was praying and hoping for was the sort of help that could only come directly from God.
A lot of y’all saw this coming for a long time. But that’s the difference. I know y’all. And y’all know me. I can tell y’all stuff without spelling it all out, and you get it because you get ME. But to the church, this seems quite sudden and reversible and all it will take is a few good men to talk some sense into us. Except, that isn’t the case. I don’t want to be talked to or about or for anyone to attempt to persuade me into or out of anything. Mike says he doesn’t either. But someone with a lot of good intentions has already told him to move back home immediately. (And I think we were both like, “uh…. no.”)
I spent a lot of time and energy and prayer and therapy and years of my life on this and I’m REAL sure. We’re really well and truly finished. Even our phones are divorced. That took a lot of teeth gnashing and TWO HOURS on the phone with AT&T, and I assure you neither one of us would have made it through that insane phone call unless we were both deeply committed to this divorce.
I wish it could just appear in the church bulletin and that be the end of it. Tomorrow I’d just like to keep my head down, slip in and teach the two year olds and love every second of it… and then slip out. I don’t want the well meaning church people to stop me in the hall or talk to me or talk about me or… know or care or pray or be kind.
I’d just like to be left alone.
God and I have got it covered.