If you could choose between a fairytale, better-than-your-wildest-dreams marriage.… and a fairytale, better-than-your-wildest-dreams divorce…. you’d pick the first one, right? wouldn’t we all?
I never had a fairytale marriage. Are those real?
But I am having a fairytale divorce.
I’ve been inching toward this decision for 4 1/2 years. Then, in September, I found the lovely therapist lady and told her I was considering it. My mind certainly wasn’t made up. But I wanted someone with objectivity, who shared my faith, to go through it with me, as long as it took and then whenever we were through looking at all the angles, I’d be able to say, “I considered it thoroughly. And this is why I am – or am not – going to get a divorce.” And then once I had that clarity, go on with my life.
And that’s what happened. She walked me through the indecision and the issues and our past and present and future issues and kid issues and God issues and she’s still doing that, and I’m so glad. OH, I needed her. I still do.
I talked to Mike about it a month ago. And I was FULLY prepared to resist his charm. His repeated and impassioned requests for me to reconsider. A heartfelt plea or a big expensive gesture that would be offered in order to try to convince me to change my mind.
But… none of that was necessary. He didn’t exactly say, “GREAT. I AM SO GLAD, OUTTA HERE!” but he sure didn’t try to change my mind either. I would have liked the opportunity to stoically say, “I’m sorry. But my mind really IS made up.” But whatever.
Mike moved out yesterday. We talked and laughed and enjoyed each other during the hours the movers were here more than we did on any date in the last ten years.
Just now he brought me a gorgeous new tool set with a million drill bits and wrenches and pliers and much more that I can’t wait to try out, because he’d taken all of his tools and knew I’d miss them. And he actually just now cleaned the cat’s butt because it needed it and because I’ve never been the cat butt cleaner and I’ll be that eventually if it’s ever needed again (oh i hope not), but it didn’t have to be TODAY.
The kids were very upset when we told them on Saturday. Then we ate dinner and all curled up and watched a movie together. And ever since then they’ve been exceptionally peaceful about all of life in ways that I never would have expected and still do not understand. They’re excited about many of the new things happening and are choosing to focus on that instead of the sadness, I suppose. They seem more at ease now than they did a week ago when they still didn’t know, but there was this unknown force and tension in the house that was making us all cranky.
Now everything is out in the open and they’re not cranky.
I’m figuring out my life, and where it will go and what I’ll do and for now and I am just so grateful for these kids, for God’s grace over all of us right now, for Mike right this second, and for this (so far) really lovely divorce.
Last week I saw a bumper sticker that said “i heart my marriage!” and I rolled my eyes and wondered why it didn’t read “I heart my husband”? But whatever. Mine would read: “I heart my divorce!” Or, “I heart my soon to be ex husband!” But I guess they don’t make bumper stickers like that.
This morning I was really grateful because I accidentally spray painted the inside of an Escalade* and I thought, “Ha!! Any other day in the last 15 years I would have felt morally obligated to call Mike and confess that i just did that…” Not that he would have been upset. But still. I didn’t have to do that. And that’s a new thing to appreciate.
*I didn’t mean to. Obviously. I wasn’t even holding the spray paint can. I was actually DRIVING. It was a lever/trigger style can I had just purchased and something else that was heavy rolled into it and smushed it into the ON position and I heard this “SSSSSsssssSSSSsssssSSSS” sound and I dont have much of a sense of smell so I just kept driving and wondering if the kids’ headphones were on or what that sound could be, and then there was a definite fume-i-ness going on so I pulled over and… yeah. There’s not a paint mess, really, as that was all contained. It just smells AWFUL in there. it’s exactly the kind of dumb thing you don’t want to do EVER, but especially not right after you get over a massive respiratory thing.
(I love you all.)