Monday, March 5th 2012
In Which I Swear. And Stop.

We’re all dealing with life in our own unique ways.

The boys, for example,  are extra gassy. Yes, literally. There’s been no change in diet or lifestyle that would otherwise account for why the house suddenly is peppered with the staccato sound of boy toots. Or the cloud. In which we live.  And the giggles. Theirs. Not mine. I am not giggling. I’m threatening. Even though I suppose it is a ‘release’ of some sort which could be beneficial to them. It’s like the skinny wraps where you wrap something around your fat and then lose inches in minutes and just flush away the toxins in your body (and that sounds so good!) – well, so it is here. Just fart out the stress of your parents’ divorce, boys. It sounds a little too good to be true, but HEY if it works, let’s just try that out.

The other night I was fulfilling Seth-6yr’s request to read “the one about the man who gets swollen.” Swollen, you say…?” Well. Jonah. Swallowed. Swollen. Who cares? Not Seth-6yr. Made perfect sense to him. I sat between Caden-8yr and Seth-6yr and got thoroughly gassed from both of them so many times I had HAD it.  I’d stopped reading about Jonah – who very well MAY have been swollen, now that I think about it – and asked them nicely to STOP.

But no.

And then we’d gotten to the part of Jonah’s mighty expulsion onto land and– STOP IT. IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS THEN YOU WILL STOP FARTING ON ME OR I AM OUT OF HERE. I DO NOT HAVE TO SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

They found this hilarious. And the next day there was much whispering about how mom had used the F word.

Those are gloriously sheltered children, who sincerely believe that  fart is the F word.

Unfortunately my language HAS taken a turn for the worse. I’m a little old to start swearing. I know. And it’s not like it was a conscious decision. But sometime within the last six months a lot of silent mental swearing started up. Okay, it was usually related to men, I admit it. And then every once in awhile, usually to myself, someone would invariably be deemed an unsavory name.

And then on Saturday my mother mentioned that she started watching a television show, partly because she likes a certain judge and I went OFF about NO! MOM! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! HE’S A TOTAL A**HOLE!!! YOU JUST CAN’T POSSIBLY BE FOOLED BY THAT MAN. THE BIG BLUE EYES AND ALL THE STUPID CHARM IS JUST A FRONT. HE’S AN A**. AN A**. AN A**HOLE. REALLY! DON’T FALL FOR THAT! NoooOOOOOO, MOM!

Now. To be fair. My mother was not planning on running away with this deplorable creature. She was only guilty of tuning into a show I’ve never watched and not being similarly repulsed.

So perhaps that was an overreaction on my part. I’m doing that lately. Overreacting to the tiny details of life and taking the bigger stuff in stride. Although I do feel badly about my swearing. I’m confessing it here and plan to improve, and telling y’all first. This, too, is an improvement. Before I had almost felt a little convicted about it and then remembered that Matthew 5 only says not to call people idiots. And I’m not doing that, after all. I’m too busy calling people a**holes.

In case you’re wondering, my mother is not offended by the word ‘a**hole.’  She is probably greatly offended to learn that I used the F word last week, as I had left that out when I told her this story before.  She very seriously said to me once, “I did NOT raise you to say that word,” and it might be one of my most favorite times I was ever mothered. It’s still hysterical to me. I was in my thirties when that happened. OH, it still makes me laugh.

So. I will in the future deal with life without using the F word or the A asterisk asterisk words.

I just hope the air quality improves soon. We don’t have smog in West Texas, so we don’t have those big city rating systems for breathability included in our weather forecasts. But we SHOULD. I might need to implement one.

Although I suppose if I were more openminded, i’d be grateful that one quick whiff of the house can accurately tell me how the boys are coping.

(I’m not feeling that openminded lately.)

 

~hm

7 Comments on “In Which I Swear. And Stop.”

1
LaLa
March 6th, 2012
10:29 am

Ew. And ha! This is both hilarious and alarming.

I *love* the mothering story.

2
Mysti
March 6th, 2012
1:24 pm

Hmm. Perhaps someone should have had beans with their meal Friday night. For self defense. ;-)

(Mysti – who has found the only way to defend oneself against little boys passing gas is like retaliation. Trust me. They no longer try that with THIS mom. And…..I’m a little embarra**ed to admit that. But since you’re all about keeping it *real* around here….)

3
Mother T
March 6th, 2012
4:44 pm

I’m definitely NOT the person you want to help you with this boy situation! I have a tendency to just laugh hysterically and shake my head when the guys start their gassing contests. I was the middle between two brothers, disgusting bodily functions were just constant.

I do love the change in the Jonah story. If you think about it, he probably was swollen after soaking for three days in gastric juices.
Mother T recently posted..Meet #10

4
Kelsey
March 6th, 2012
5:45 pm

LaLa,
good times ahead for you!

Mysti,
I love your asterisks.

(i meant that literally. why does it sound so dirty?! weird.)

Mother T
EXACTLY! Jonah was probably swollen and swallowed and really really nasty.

5
Jan
March 6th, 2012
8:06 pm

I’ve also been told that his hair and skin would have been bleached by said stomach fluids, giving him a totally gross and strange appearance. BTW, Wick says boys fart. It’s a fact of life. Get over it.

I can *know* that, but still not *accept* it.
Jan recently posted..Cruise Control

6
Jennifer Sullivan
March 12th, 2012
5:03 pm

Getting caught up and laughing like crazy over this. The boys being gassy AND your little trip into swear land. I always feel guilty when I swear in my own blog because I know that you don’t and I know you might be reading. I don’t like that F word, I prefer “toot” but the other F word, the big F bomb, yeah that I don’t mind saying (ok I DO mind it, but I get irritated and out it comes ya know?).

Good luck with both issues! Maybe you should buy them all whoopie cushions and let them go at it for the entire dpring break, maybe they will get over the newness of it. We can hope right?

7
J.R. Wilco
March 23rd, 2012
9:18 am

It’s been a while, but I had to chime in on this one b/c I’ve recently found the same tendency to curse (internally) when it’s never something I was in the habit of doing before.

Started over the last couple of months and I found it funny that someone else was dealing with it too.

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