Saturday, April 21st 2012
4 Kinds of Random

Seth-6yr is enjoying the frequent usage of the word ‘random.’ He uses it well. And that’s reason enough for this post.

 

The Anatomical Section:

1. The cat got his annual ‘anti hairball’  Lion Cut. He’s… 13. When his long luxurious white fur is shaved off, his aging pectoral area is more on show than normal and he has the illusion of droopy, furry moobs. It makes me laugh. A lot. And then I feel bad. Because it’s bad enough to be a gorgeous longhair cat that got shaved without this further indignity.

2. New rule at our house: You CANNOT grab/scratch your crotch and then reach out to hold my  hand.  THAT”S NOT OKAY.

3. Another new rule: You CANNOT refer to your penis as “your number 1.” And i DO NOT CARE if you say it’s only because it LOOKS like a number one. That’s ALSO SERIOUSLY NOT OKAY.

4. The kids love to say “buttocks.” But they say it like a chicken clucking. Loud, shrill, emphasis on the second syllable:  ”buh-TAAAAHHHHHX.” Over and over. I don’t know why. I don’t object though. It’s weird and so are they. And it could be so much worse.

5. I have outlasted the waiting period required in the state of Texas before you can get bangs. i think it’s longer than the required waiting period before a divorce is final or before you can get a handgun, and I think that’s as it should be. Some days, I’d like all three. But for now I have new bangs.

6. I’ve gained weight. I thought I was supposed to lose weight? Not pleased.

 

The Baseball Section:

1. Caden-8yr splits his time between playing 1st base and catcher on a sweet little team that hasn’t won a game yet. He does an excellent job.

2. seth-6yr splits his time between  whatever position he is assigned and whatever part of the field in which there is action. It’s not his fault he can run fast enough to play ANY position at any time. And so he does. They have yet to win a game either. I refuse to care. The coaches are positive with the kids, and that’s all that matters to me.

3. Caden-8yr’s team actually wishes they could have Seth-6yr on their team. He practices with them, rather than sit by the car with me. They are awed by his ability to outrun every other kid who actually IS on their team.

4. Communication issues exist on both teams. Eh. Whatever. I could be more in the loop if I picked up a phone and called and asked stuff, but… ew. I’d rather not know stuff than touch a phone. (I may be part of the problem. Yes, I see that.)

5. The sweet umpire who looks like Santa has been worrying my mom and me for weeks now. He’s been using a chair this year. And he just doesn’t look well. And then tonight he walked off the field, assisted, and only emerged from Caden-8yr’s team’s dugout on a stretcher and into an ambulance and that was after Mike ran and got a requested aspirin and we were sure he was having a heart attack and dying right there in the 3rd inning in the dugout and it was AWFUL. It brought up sad memories for my mom and it was a highly emotional turn of events. I patted her leg and leaned forward so she couldn’t see. I prayed silently and yelled loud for Caden-8yr (because really? CAN”T WE JUST CALL THE GAME OVER AND GO HOME AND LET THE UMP HAVE SOME PRIVACY? NO ONE CARES RIGHT NOW ABOUT BASEBALL. REALLY.)

It was only heat exhaustion. We think.  (Please pray for the sweet Santa ump.)

 

The Divorce Section:

1. After Mike moved out I got a smaller bed, moved it into a different corner of the bedroom and then fell out of it a lot. And now I don’t fall out of it. I think this is progress.

2. I’m avoiding the influx of new neighbors. They’re all out in their yards a lot and they look friendly so I don’t look at them and I pretend not to see them when they wave to me. It’s either THAT, or go say hi and tell them waaaay too much about my life and ending marriage that they don’t care about or want to hear but i have no social skills and sometimes if I DO say hello, then what follows is sometimes too personal. And no one needs that. (and if you don’t believe me, then you were NOT at a birthday party today where i told someone I do not know very well about the thanksgiving turkey penis and NO I DID NOT MEAN TO DO THAT but she mentioned that particular bakery and OUT THAT STUPID STORY CAME and then I didn’t quite realize how to SHUT MY STUPID MOUTH and I saw her face freeze into that expression of polite disapproval I am all too familiar with. AM. A. MORON. Let’s just let the neighbors think I’m rude instead. I am. But I’d rather be rude from a distance than accidentally get into more inappropriate turkey penis discussions, what is WRONG with me anyway?!)

3. Mike bought me a cat toy and a ‘public restroom survival kit’ and gave them to me at the baseball game tonight. I had no idea what to say. It was nice. And strange. And I think we’re both trying to figure out what is the new normal for us. And maybe we have a ways to go.

4. Haven’t actually ‘filed’ yet. Still waiting. On financial rearranging. This in-between is weird and stressful all on its own. Joint finances with someone there is no longer a joint relationship. Not ideal. Maybe we can move on soon.

5. I was afraid that the church people weren’t asking me to help with kids because of my scandalous almost divorcing status. But then they asked me to hang out with the toddlers this week and I was SO relieved. I’ve missed them.
The Friend Section:

1. I asked a friend to do a mud run with me. I’ve always wanted to, and this will be my first. SO excited. We are doing the shorter one mile run. The longer one has obstacles, and might require strangers to hoist your muddy butt over walls, etc, so I think maybe NOT. I’ll work up to that. Maybe.

2. Different friend and I were at a public restroom this week and a woman was on the phone. I HATE THAT. Both parts. The ‘being in a public restroom’ part and the ‘someone was on the phone’ part.   It INFURIATES me. PUBLIC RESTROOMS ARE SORTA, KINDA PRIVATE. And the sound of someone twinkling is PRIVATE and not to be broadcast to space and back and to whomever is on the other end of that phone call. I wanted to loudly say that I WOULD BE WAITING TO TWINKLE UNTIL YOU HANG UP, THANKS. But I hate public restrooms so much that if I’m actually IN one, I can’t exactly back up that ultimatum. And? I don’t think she’d care. i was telling my friend how awful that was and she did NOT get it. “WHAT? Are you PMS-ing? LET IT GO.”

“EXCUUUUUUSE ME, BUT NO AND I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU EVEN ASKED ME THAT.”

And then she said that the woman was choosing those twinkle sounds and flushing sounds and I was all, “HELLO? THOSE ARE MY SOUNDS?! MIIIIIINE.” We did not exactly get the other’s view on that AT ALL, but it amused us.

3. And then we drove off to a Christian bookstore, where a woman in a black Mustang flew across the parking lot right at us and then gave the “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” hand signals even though she was the one cutting across the parking lot and my friend was driving down the clearly marked lanes as intended and THEN my sweet friend (who happens to LOOK and SOUND like an angel) got herself a case of road rage and was about to take off AFTER the black mustang and I grabbed the steering wheel and her right arm and yelled at her to stop and breathe and didn’t let go of her until the wild, not so angelic look was gone off her sweet face. And then she parked. And then I laughed at her until i cried because my angelic friend had almost gone completely NUTS on a woman just moments before going into a Christian bookstore to buy gratitude journals for her children and it made me just HURT from the laughing.

4. She’d had a rough week.

5. I’m still laughing.

~hm

8 Comments on “4 Kinds of Random”

1
Geekwif
April 22nd, 2012
7:58 am

The “buh-TAAAAHHHHHX” thing is pretty funny. My Geek still does stuff like that and he’s 43 so I guess it’s a boy thing. Get him together with childhood friends and they all start shouting anatomical words in strange ways. It’s weird … and kind of cute in weird way.

I hope the Santa umpire is okay. Poor guy. I would totally have been thinking the same thing – that they should really have called off the game. But then, maybe they thought it would upset the kids less if they acted like everything was okay.

I SO understand the saying stupid things to neighbors thing. A neighbor of mine waits at the end of my driveway for her daughter’s school bus in the afternoon and I forgot it was that time the other day when I took the dog for a walk. (If I’d remembered I would totally have walked her at a different time.) I couldn’t turn back when she showed up, so I stood and talked to her while the dog wigged out (she’s very enthusiastically friendly) and ended up talking about my cat somehow to a person whose name I didn’t even know. I can’t imagine how weird she must think I am.

So, what exactly is a mud run? Is it just like a race in the mud? If so, I would happily cheer you on … from a distance. ;-)

The parking lot encounter made me think of this article I JUST read.
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/assault-with-a-deadly-weapon-woman-arrested-for-biting-driver-in-parking-space-dispute/
So glad your friend’s encounter didn’t come to this. I don’t know what it is about parking lots, but some people can just be so rude.

2
Jan
April 22nd, 2012
1:27 pm

You literally make me laugh OUT LOUD, and then Wick wants to know what is so funny, and I start to read your post out loud, and I’m still laughing so hard he can’t even understand what I am reading and he starts to laugh at ME, and then I am trying to get him to come read it for himself, but I am still giggling and snorting and wiping tears from my eyes–oh my word, could this sentence get any longer?
Jan recently posted..Faith in a Phone Booth

3
michele
April 22nd, 2012
10:01 pm

Oh, this is all SOOO delightful. And funny. And refreshing. I love having these peeks into your mind. I really believe God is just as delighted with you and your quirkiness as I am, if not more. Reading these things just makes me want to give you a hug. Particularly the awkward story telling about turkey ‘parts’, the bathroom and the Christian bookstore trip.
Two truths I got out of our Sunday school lesson today were “we have to be willing to fail and mess up or we’re useless” and “the more clueless we are and the more flaws we have, the more God’s glory shines through out of our successes”. Just thought I’d share because I felt like it was good news.

Watch out, your ex’s personality sounds like he’ll be back sweet talking you that he misses you so much (of course he does) and to give him another chance any minute now. But he doesn’t get it and you can’t trust him with a second chance any more than you can trust a fish to stop swimming if you drop him back into the water. I hope that makes sense. The fish doesn’t see anything wrong with swimming to begin with so why stop? The fish loves swimming. The more swimming the better. Swimming and lots of it. See? It all sounds so innocent and ‘right’ from the fish’s perspective.

I’m going to shut up now. And don’t roll your eyes at me, turkey girl! ;)

4
Kelsey
April 22nd, 2012
11:31 pm

GW,
“I couldn’t turn back when she showed up…” HAHAHA. Oh, but you coulda. That’s the step BEYOND where you are now. You are still very nice. And what’s wrong with talking about a cat? You’re a great neighbor.

That article was FUNNY. I loved how she rambled about how she must taste. Um… there’s a woman who also needs a filter. Don’t say crap like that to reporters!

Yep – mud run. you run in mud and you get filthy. YEA!!!!

Jan,
you’re so cute. (and just between you and me – I am taking you up on that reading advice. THANKS. i forgot to email you about that.)

Michele,
somehow i do not think God was particularly delighted when I was discussing baked turkey parts at a 6yr old party… but it’s an interesting thought. actually, no one really thinks i’m all that delightful except you! And maybe the sushi chef at the grocery store. his face lights up when he sees me, but that’s probably because i mean job security. (and he wouldn’t seem so delighted with me if i told him that i always eat sushi with Lay’s classic potato chips. i just think they go well together.)

sometimes i blog stuff that appears to be saying ONE thing and is actually completely convoluted and i’m really writing about other stuff. it’s not for anyone else to know. no one else CAN know. It’s just so that years from now if i come across one of those posts, i will remember what was really going on in my head then. It’s sort of a secret code for my future self that no one else would ever understand. I have never had anyone leave a COMMENT along those lines before, though, and i have to say… I’m impressed.
Don’t clarify any more. It was bizarre and perfect and i had to read it over and over again and each time i laughed harder and tried to come up with expanded fish metaphor answers and i COULDN”T and then that cracked me up because i was thinking maybe i should google about different kinds of fish and then that’s ridiculous and so i didn’t and anyway…. thank you. YOU are wonderful.

i assure you my exfish doesn’t miss me at all and has no interest in even pretending to want me back. he moved on so quickly and easily it made me dizzy. there’s no going back for either of us. what i thought we had wasn’t all that great – and i knew that – but then it wasn’t even what i thought at all…

(i did NOT roll my eyes. I laughed. And laughed some more.)

5
Mysti
April 23rd, 2012
12:42 pm

Ahem. I would like to disagree with the “no one really thinks i’m all that delightful except you!” comment. *I* find you tremendously delightful, but then again – I’m one of those who loves the quirky. And just for the record (and to be perfectly honest), if you randomly started talking about turkey penis bread to me, I would immediately begin trying to incorporate you into my group of quirky gal pals. Because that’s the kind of chick I want to hang with. One that can see that and be amused. So there.

(Oh all right – if someone started talking about turkey penis bread with me I would be all “OMG – I *totally* know someone that happened to, and I was so very jealous because not too long before that we had the same bread from the same place, and OURS didn’t look like it had a turkey penis and that’s just not fair.” Wait – this may be why we’ve only had the one in person get together, huh? ;-) ) Thanks for the laughs. I’m gonna hear “butt-TAWKS” all day today now. And I’m just now done with the repeating giggles brought on by the latest boy part euphenism.

6
Kelsey
April 23rd, 2012
1:56 pm

Mysti!!

you are perfectly delightful as well. (why does everyone keep calling me quirky…?! WHAT?) and i TOTALLY have a groupon for our fish taco place that expires next month and would LOVE to go have a big bloody mary with you whenever. i’m actually kidless tonight. i think i’ll just send a text about that riiiight now.
of course, you would have to point yourself out to me again since i won’t know you, but HEY, no problem, right?! : )
Kelsey recently posted..4 Kinds of Random

7
Mysti
April 23rd, 2012
2:52 pm

Right! I’ve texted you back (and embarrassed myself in the process), so hopefully we’ll be able to get together very soon!

8
LaLa
April 23rd, 2012
4:08 pm

I hope the Santa umpire is okay. (And you and Mom and the boys.)

There were so many stories in this one post that made me laugh. You are, in fact, real quirky. And hilarious. And awesome.

I hope the kitty lion’s fur grows out a bit soon.

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