Wednesday, May 23rd 2012
Oh, Shut Up, Kelsey

There’s something about these particular life circumstances combined with reduced brain oxygen due to lingering minor illnesses that has the distinct – and unfortunate – side effect of making me even more candid than usual.

And this is not good.

The only thing that could make this worse would be if I were to sip a bloody mary, too.

It’s been going on for a few days. Don’t anyone ask me anything in the comment section. I assure you I cannot resist telling you everything you never wanted to know, and more. And, i kinda ALREADY do that, so this is a whole new level and just, you know, beware.

Caden-8yr asked my mom, in all seriousness,  if I was going to die from this illness. She said no. I might embarrass us all to death, but that is different. Suddenly, I’m like the oldest old lady on Golden Girls who just says whatever comes into her head.

Last night Mom and I went to pick up a Craigslist dresser and then to a baseball game and she was commenting on a particular type of surgical procedure and said, “that just seems a lot of trouble and expense to go to for someplace not often… SEEN.”

“Yes. Like vajazzling. Exactly like vajazzling. A lot of trouble and expense for someplace not often seen.”

Just that morning I had bought Hello Kitty underwear from the LITTLE GIRLS section of Target as a depressed gesture at life about how I will never ever have use for sexy underwear again. May as well buy the cheap Hello Kitty panties. WHY THE HELL NOT. Embrace the new life and its new, sexless dress code. (Hello, damn Kitty, indeed.)

Mom said, “Did you say… vajazzling?

“Yeah. I did. You know. Trouble and expense – place not often seen. Yeah.” Sigh.

“But what IS that?”

“Um… i guess it’s where after a brazilian, you stick little rhinestone thingies on your vagina. Like bedazzling for the vagina. I think there’s the cheap ones like rhinestone stickers like they sell at Hobby Lobby, but there’s also the kind that a professional could glue on you in different patterns and it would last a week or so.”

“Are you making this UP?”

“Uh… no.”

Like I could make up that some women want to turn their vaginas into disco balls? i wouldn’t make that up. I COULDN”T make that up. i think it’s all a bit insecure really. And trust me, I get that right now. But ladies, God didn’t create and design men to get excited by the light reflective sparkliness of vaginas. I’m PRETTY sure on that one. And if I’m wrong and yours loves that, well, good luck, dear.

“You could google it. Go ahead.”

“NO!!”

“Yeah, okay, good call.”

“Professional VAJAZZLERS? Who would WANT that job?”

“I don’t know. But I think it’d be better to artfully arrange rhinestones on someone’s vagina than to wax and rip the hair off. THAT has to be a hard job. I mean, don’t you think–”

She did some hand waving motion and loudly changed the topic because she’d reached her limit with that discussion. She’s doing that a lot with me lately because it is NECESSARY.

Later, at the baseball game she needed to grab my arm and clamp a hand over my mouth. And – it was really NEEDED. It wasn’t quite soon enough. Caden-8yr was giggling his head off at the inappropriate turn my indignant lecture directed at him had taken and I couldn’t shut my own mouth without that mama takedown move.

I’m a MESS.

I’ll be careful.

I hope it wears off soon.

(And, no, don’t worry,  i will NOT talk to strangers.)

~hm

7 Comments on “Oh, Shut Up, Kelsey”

1
LaLa
May 23rd, 2012
11:57 am

I think I need to call you tonight. I can’t *wait* to hear what you’ll say!

2
Sarah
May 23rd, 2012
1:24 pm

The hot wax and ripping of one’s vagina hair is quite painful. I think the rhinestones should be free. But I don’t want them there.

I love the non-filter you’ve got going on. People always encourage me to do that and I think I’ll say something stupid and embarrassing. But you’ve proven that a non-filter is excellent.

I like you like this.
Sarah recently posted..summary

3
Geekwif
May 23rd, 2012
2:17 pm

Wow. People actually do that? I feel so naive. I agree with you though; I think guys have other things on their minds than sparkliness when it comes to that area. And wouldn’t that be really … uncomfortable?

I also agree with J-Mom; who would want that job? Really? But then again, I’ve often wondered who would want to be a urologist or a proctologist even though they are necessary professions.

4
Melissa
May 23rd, 2012
6:15 pm

hmmm….filter between the brain and mouth. Do they sell those? I have a huge problem with brain spillage and “overflow”. However, paying someone to rip off my beaver and stick sparklies on it IS a new one. I have heard of it being pierced *ouch* and tatoo’ed (double ouch), but no stickers. I think I will politely shave the bikini line and back alley and call it good. NO ONE needs to see that part of me, bedazzled or not.

oh, and by the way – Hello Kitty can be taken ALOT sexily if given the right, perverted mind. Which mine must be because there was an immediate association with the OTHER word for kitty. You’re welcome, I am sure you will never erase that association from your head.

And – I have been reading just haven’t had time to post back. I’ve been praying for you. I know it isn’t an easy time right now. God keeps telling me you have to go ‘through’ hard. Not just get by, but go through. It has changed me in ways I can’t describe. Hopefully I can blog about it soon.
Melissa recently posted..Wow

5
Jan
May 24th, 2012
6:02 pm

Kelsey unfiltered–and that is different from normal, how?
You crack me up. Bedazzling any part of my anatomy has never occurred to me in all my life. Now wrinkle removing–that I could understand. And if you know any cheap easy ways to do that without surgery, please enlighten me! You know the strangest and most obscure things.
Jan recently posted..Wick’s Dog

6
Katherine
May 25th, 2012
10:02 pm

Ha!! I had a similar reaction when I heard about vajazzling! lol

7
Kelsey
May 27th, 2012
9:14 am

OH but y’all are funny.
will respond back to you 6 after church. “BACK ALLEY?!” geez, melissa!

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