Wednesday, May 30th 2012
When I Can’t Write What’s REALLY On My Mind, We Get Posts Like This.  You’ve Been Warned.

Almost every year in the spring I ooh and ahh over the flowers. I’m thrilled with the bulbs bursting forth and I just HAVE to tell you about it. Every year. Even though it’s the same. Every year.

But not this year. I guess I was distracted. The flowers? They bloomed.

There.

We did it.

I only mention it now because my favorite bulb catalog came in the mail today and I got all excited about next year’s blooms. I fell in love with a tulip called Tequila Sunrise.*  And I think there was a similarly apricot-ish one called Sensual Touch, but that’s just ridiculous. That name is about enough to make me dislike it.

Actually, there’s no way I could order that tulip. Can you just imagine? Every March, walking by that pretty flower and thinking, “Oh! It’s my sensual touch. YEP. Right there, for a few fleeting weeks in the cold garden outside my bedroom window. Of COURSE that’s where it is. QUICK, appreciate it now before it DIES.”

That’s just not happening. Ruling that one out right now. Tequila Sunrise, it is. Even though the other one was prettier. WHATEVER.

Inappropriate names irritate me. This isn’t new. Last fall the boys played in their usual Christian soccer league. There was a little girls’ team called Lady Heat.

Now, come ON, Christian soccer people, but REALLY? Have you never read smut? I read some Danielle Steel** in junior high. And some other stuff later. And the stupid phrase Lady Heat is in enough of those novels that really NO one should be able to get away with naming a girls’ soccer team that. EVER.

And if they really didn’t know any better, well. Clearly they are holier than ME. And that’s what stopped me from sending an email. I wanted to, when I realized it was the only time in my life I could ever send an email to a church-y person with the subject line that read Lady Heat and it be totally LEGIT.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t want to get a reply back saying, “Um? What? What exactly DOES that mean? We don’t understand. Our purity is above this strange reproach of yours and please tell us what you are talking about.” And THEN I’d have to explain exactly what that phrase meant to nice Christians holier than me and then I’d feel terribly dirty in my Danielle Steel-ish knowledge and then at all the soccer games they’d be like, “Oh. There she is. THAT”S the mom with the dirty mind who wrote to us about re-naming Lady Heat.” And then others would say, “Oh yes. Well. What do you expect? Have you seen her flowerbeds? Sensual Touch tulips EVERYWHERE.”

It’s all so very avoidable.

 

*I think i tried tequila once and hated it. not that this is particularly relevant. but it’s that kind of post. but, then again, they all are that kind of post.

**i have NO idea if Danielle Steel ever used that phrase. To her credit, she may not have.

 

 

~hm

6 Comments on “When I Can’t Write What’s REALLY On My Mind, We Get Posts Like This. You’ve Been Warned.”

1
Geekwif
May 31st, 2012
6:36 am

I’d be willing to bet that what happened was this: some clueless person suggested the name “Lady Heat” and then everyone else – even though they were perfectly aware of how inappropriate it was and why – was too embarrassed to explain why they didn’t like the name because it might make them look less holy, so the clueless person won.

And Sensual Touch is a ridiculous name. But if I absolutely had to have them, I’d probably pretend I didn’t remember their name. (“Hmmm. Not sure what they’re called. Not even sure where I got them. In fact, I think they just kind of appeared there.”)

2
Jan
May 31st, 2012
10:03 am

Little kids often pick their own team names. I read about one team called the Nice Chickens. I’m just trying to find the nicest explanation for this.
Tequila is in Margaritas. Please DO NOT tell me you don’t like Margaritas, because at our house that is THE summer drink. And if you hate Margaritas, I would have to serve something else when you come to visit, and I would rather have Margaritas, but it is not polite to serve a guest something I KNOW she does not like, so …
I’m sure I had a point here, but it seems to be lost, strayed, or stolen.
Jan recently posted..Wick’s Dog

3
LaLa
May 31st, 2012
10:04 am

a) I love these kinds of posts. Your brain is fun to follow around. b) I’d like the name of your favorite bulb catalog. That sounds like something I would love to read! c) Lady Heat?! Oh good grief. I really wish you’d sent the email. Those poor girls. d) Now I kind of feel the need to revisit Danielle Steel… She wrote this one book I read in high school in which the heroine had a horrible car accident and had to have her face completley and entirely rebuilt in a fabulous new beautiful way and of course NO ONE COULD TELL. (That’s not just plastic surgery. It’s MAGIC surgery.) Then she met her old boyfriend and fell in love with him all over again only HE DIDN’T KNOW WHO SHE WAS. At the end she went out to get her hair cut and she found a magical length that no one else had ever had and she began to set trends. (That might have been the end of another book…) At any rate. It was all very… Danielle Steel-ish.

4
michele
May 31st, 2012
9:09 pm

I AM SOOOO with you there! Inappropriate names for stuff are so lame and unwanted (at least by me and you).

“Oh, I love your eyeshadow.”
“Thanks, it’s called…”, flipping it over to read, “Or- *choke* -gasm…”

I just bought some cheap nail polish on the way to church to paint “witnessing” nails on all the little girls in my class–you know all the different colors, each symbolizing different things about Jesus. Well, we had a big party and I needed to turn in the receipt to get reimbursed for my $40 worth of party supplies. That’s when the word “Sinful” pops out at me about four times in a row on the receipt. What the–? Yep. The nail polish brand is “Sinful”. LOL. Call me hoity toity, but I ate the cost of that one. I was NOT turning in that receipt so that I could stand there awkwardly explaining what I bought for my little girls’ class party that was labeled ‘sinful’.

Sensual Touch = Gag.

5
michele
May 31st, 2012
9:16 pm

LaLa–that magical length sounds intriguing. I would love to find that too. LOL. Set some trends. :) I read a couple of Danielle Steels’ at the pleading of one of my friends who loves her books. I just couldn’t figure out why she was a famous writer after that. Do her books all give the feeling of just being narrated and never drawing you into that world to experience it for yourself? Maybe I’m the lame one. I have to read exciting juvenile fiction books to keep my short attention span. Short by force. My kids won’t give me more than a few minutes at a time to read, so it has to be super thrilling. :/

6
Jennifer Sullivan
June 3rd, 2012
12:05 am

Lady Heat is a terrible name! Next time just send an anonymous email. You can use my email address. I don’t mind. Wow.

Sensual Touch – There are a few iffy massage parlors around here that could plant those in front of their buildings, but besides them I can’t think of any other place that would be appropriate to be able to say, Oh, that’s a Sensual Touch, without it being just awkward…
Jennifer Sullivan recently posted..Ode to LemiShine – just kidding, but really.. I <3 LemiShine

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