Monday, July 9th 2012
The Unruly Cattle East of Here? All My Fault. Sorry, Y’all.

I was supposed to herd some cattle.

Before the unplanned smashing of  my ribs. It was on the schedule. A trip was planned. A little tiny town right near the little tiny town my dad lives in has this cattle herding thing that sounds REALLY fantastic. So HolyCousin and I were all set to go herd up some cattle.

That’s probably not how you say it. But we can give me a break on that since I haven’t done it before. And then there’s that whole vegetarian thing. I’m not expected to get the terminology right. Or eat the big steak dinner afterward. I hope. Oh GOSH, let’s not even think about that.

There might have been chaps.

Fringed ones.


We’ll get to it eventually.

Seth-6yr remembered this plan a few weeks ago and said, “Hey, Mom. Weren’t you supposed to go herd some sheeps?”

“Um, NO.” I could just picture Little Bo Peep standing with a curved stick thing, serenely looking at a peaceful flock of unmoving sheep. Or, sheeps, as Seth-6yr says. Either way, it’s not EVEN close to what I was going for. “I was supposed to herd cattle.”

“Oh. Right.”  And after a long pause, “What’s a cattle?”

Don’t let his Texas accent fool ya.

The ribs are improving. They just aren’t ready for cattle herding.

Maybe Little Bo Peep style sheep watching.

But that just doesn’t even sound fun.



I would imagine that the business and financial interests of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are extremely elaborate and complicated and yet they already have figured out the whole divorce thing and quietly agreed on a settlement? WHAT?! HOW FAST?

Sidenote II:

It’s been 6 months. We have not yet filed. We are in the ongoing and endless process of meeting after meeting. I spend many hours of my life in these meetings, preparing for these meetings, dreading them, crying and analyzing afterwards, and yet wishing for more of them so that we might be somewhat more DONE.

Sidenote III:

At the end of a 2 1/2 hour meeting last week with Mike and myself and a facilitator type, we negotiated through endless custody paperwork and got to the very last legal point. It said something like, “All of this is out the window if y’all remarry.” And that made no sense, because I fully expect Mike to remarry some beautiful young thing rather quickly (just a hunch, I have no idea if they have even met yet) and we had previously covered several points in the paperwork that referred to just such an instance.  The facilitator type asked if that was clear and I was COMPLETELY confused and I looked at Mike and he was not confused and I tried to clarify a few different times because WHAT? None of our agreed upon custody terms will be in effect if Mike remarries? What the hell is that?!  And the facilitator type calmly explained that the clause in question actually meant if Mike and I remarry. EACH OTHER.  And I couldn’t help it. I laughed and snotted and spit and collapsed forward on my lap and made horrible noises. SORRY, but that was funny. And shocking. And unexpected. And through all of that, I’m apologizing. But not too sincerely.

Sidenote IV:

And DANG but I am so graceful.



11 Comments on “The Unruly Cattle East of Here? All My Fault. Sorry, Y’all.”

July 10th, 2012
11:52 am

Spit and snot laughs are the best laughs.

I wanna hear more about the chaps.

July 10th, 2012
2:39 pm

Heh. I wonder at the look on Mike’s face as you collapsed into laughter at the idea of the two of you re-marrying. I bet it was priceless.

Hoping your ribs heal soon – and if you still want to herd cattle when they are healed, let me know. We have one you can heard. Of course – you’d only be herding her from the north side of the house to the south side of the house, and you’d have to do it on foot and promise not to step on any of our wild horny toads….but the option is there. ;-)

July 10th, 2012
4:20 pm

Vizualizing you wearing chaps, poking Mike with a cattle prod to get on with the divorce already. Laughing and snotting.
Jan recently posted..Dickens’ Fairy Tale

July 10th, 2012
6:42 pm

I guess the prenup helped them iron things out more quickly. But I hope you will get things settled pretty soon too. At least you can still laugh at your meetings…:) (I imagine that would have hurt your ribs tho. And, on another note, thanks for the annoyance on my behalf.)

July 13th, 2012
12:41 am

We should still always be grateful in every morning we wake up and every things God has given us.. Love this post here..

July 13th, 2012
11:38 am

me TOO. that’ll be good.

they kinda had no choice except to laugh with me. or at me. ok, it was probably AT me. but i don’t care.

i’d love to herd your cow! and i would not DREAM of stepping on your horny toads. HA. keep those horny toads away far away from me and my feet, please.

cattle prod! why didnt’ i think of that?!

i can laugh anywhere. it’s not really that great a quality sometimes. i’ve decided that the only excuse for the guy who punched you in the eye is a real bad case of tourettes. apart from that, he was a JERK and i’m more than annoyed every time i think about it. he PUNCHED you. in the EYE.
here, that’s assault.
Kelsey recently posted..The Unruly Cattle East of Here? All My Fault. Sorry, Y’all.

July 13th, 2012
6:54 pm

Kelsey, it would be assault here too if the guy meant it. But I could tell he didn’t. But yeah, he must have some twitchy problem…

July 14th, 2012
9:09 am

I’m sorry, I’ve been busy with VBS all week and distracted with that, I guess. I don’t mean to disappear for weeks on you.

I worry sometimes when I read these posts that Mike’s going to strike a vindictive attitude and decide to make you pay for…whatever. He’s the one with the money and I’ve heard so many horror stories of what men can do to their wives during a divorce. He could get complete custody if he wanted it–just to hurt you for whatever reason. My advice if that happens–and THIS COULD BE BAD ADVICE–is that if he announces that he wants full custody with no visitation for you, you should suddenly act like you can’t believe your dreams have come true. You were just selflessly volunteering to take care of the kids because…you know…you thought he’d want to be FREE to do OTHER THINGS, but if he doesn’t MIND–all that constant cooking and cleaning–then by all MEANS, “YES! Give me my freedom!!”
LOL. Even though I KNOW that’s not how you really feel. It would just get him thinking about responsibilities and “oh no! What have I done? I’ve given up free childcare?!?! Aaaagh!!” He’ll suddenly wake up and realize that isn’t what he wants at all. Constant cooking and cleaning, HA!!! I think men only do that to their wives during a divorce because they know it’s the one thing that will REALLY hurt her and drive the knife into her heart. I doubt any of them actually want full responsibility of the kids. It’s sad.

Again, this is none of my business. I’m probably dramatizing this too much because I have no idea what things are really like. Sorry. It’s in my DNA to specialize in horror stories. You should meet my Mema.

July 14th, 2012
7:12 pm


i kinda don’t think he’ll do that. but i really REALLY enjoy when you go all dramatic and all. does your mema have a blog? : )

July 15th, 2012
10:51 am

I love that you snot-spit-laughed at that. It makes me happy in an I-know-it’s-probably-evil-and-not-a-particularly-godly-attitude-but-man-does-he-ever-deserve-to-know-where-he-stands kind of way.

And next time there’s a cattle-herding event, if I just happen to be in the Texas area, I would gladly go along and eat your share of the big ol’ steak dinner afterward. I loooove me a good steak. (Seriously, would you ever guess in a million years that I used to be a vegetarian? Yeesh!)

July 18th, 2012
5:28 am

No, mema doesn’t know how to use a computer and would never be trusted with one, but if she did, her blog would be titled “All The Terrible Things That Could Happen To You If…” She has a horror story for every life experience you’re going through or graduating into. It’s all inclusive of theme parks, school, marriage, pregnancy, birth, raising anything, home building, flooding, fire control and many more!

I’m glad I can…amuse you with my inherited dramatic genes.

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