Thursday, August 2nd 2012
it’s a rambler, this one.

I do not like pills. I’d rather put up with most anything than take a pill. Also, they mess with me. I have various allergies to all kinds of prescription stuff, and the ones that I don’t have allergies to? Well, they just do weird things to me or work TOO well.

I’ve been taking myself off an antidepressant/antianxiety thing for FOREVER. This was a highly organized process because it was extremely addictive and “time release” so you can’t just reduce your dose each day – you instead have to increase the intervals between which you take the stupid pills. I kept track of it in a note on my phone. The last interval between these stupid pills was 9 1/2 DAYS. After 9 1/2 days, that familiar swishing headache came back that would only intensify if I didn’t give in and take the stupid pill and record a new entry in my phone.

But as the intervals increased, and i was so close to being almost off it and totally ‘clean’ — the depression and anxiety stuff was worse. I should have seen that coming. I know. But… notsomuch. I couldn’t POSSIBLY take the kids to chick-fil-a when I said I would because it was “too crowded.” (this was before the whole gay for/against thing. Our chick-fil-a’s are just busy at lunchtime anyway.) The sight of all those cars and people made me lose my breath. No way.

Ethan-12yr understands this about me. It’s not an issue that he shares, but I think I told him about it when he was debilitated by a scar on his knee and he wouldn’t wear shorts for a year. He saw my panicked look and addressed it with a surprising amount of grace.

Instead, we went to a deserted faux-Italian place and ALL three boys accidentally dropped cold noodles on me at one point or another. Seth-6yr sat next to me and kept sniffing me. And Ethan-12yr explained that his deodorant was scented like chocolate and they should sniff HIM. It turned out to be a product I definitely didn’t buy, because it was Axe (ew) and also because I do not agree with the concept of scenting oneself in a way that mimics edible flavors. For any reason.

(You’re at the top of the food chain. God made you inedible. Embrace that truth. It’s a simple one. Don’t shmear on some vanilla cupcake lotion, ladies,  or use that strawberry shampoo because it’s just. not. RIGHT. It denies a basic component of your esteemed place in creation.*)

It turned out that the deodorant was a scent called “dark temptation” and Ethan-12yr, being a wonderfully sheltered 12 year old, could only translate that to mean chocolate. Even though it didn’t smell like chocolate. Isn’t that ADORABLE? Ha!

(Take that, Axe! And also, Axe, i hate your marketing. HATE. It’s a strong word. I hate it. if young men shmear on your product, women will not lost control and throw themselves at them, and that’s just irresponsible to keep suggesting otherwise. and also? creepy.)

The lovely therapist lady had pointed out that PERHAPS this is not the best time to get off that pill. She cited a few… reasons. None of which had anything to do with  a worrying lack of continuity in this blog entry or an overexcited use of parenthetical asides.

So I went back to the same doctor who has been trying me on ALL KINDS OF THESE THINGS since last year and she came in and was all, “Hey! How’s the divorce?” And I shook my head and said it was still going on and she said, “WHAT? I mean, Tom and Katie were done LIKE THAT!” And she snapped her fingers and I was all, “I! KNOW?! RIGHT????!!!”

And then she put me on Prozac.

I’m a mental health cliche straight from the 1990s.

She said that she thinks I’m “sensitive.” I nodded, depressed as I was, and said that was definitely a problem with me. She clarified that she meant my system was sensitive to drugs and so this one might be a good option.  OH, my SYSTEM. Yeah, that too.
HOWEVER. It’s only been a week, and I do see the difference. More energy. Less freaking out around crowds. The highly social act of checking on y’all’s blogs is not too scary anymore. (I’m working up to that.) I could SO handle chick-fil-a. If I wanted to. In another week maybe.  And there are black widows in the garage that do not freak me out (okay, this may not be a good thing) and scorpions in the house and… eh. Whatever. My feet aren’t that big – the chances of stomping one accidentally aren’t that high.  Live and let live.

Maybe the 90s aren’t so bad.

* actually, i just don’t like ANY of that stuff, and this is the reason I’ve invented for why. sounds awesome and totally biblical though, right?!





5 Comments on “it’s a rambler, this one.”

August 2nd, 2012
1:49 pm

I also do not like to smell edible and I am *totally* going to use your top of the food chain line from now on! I usually relied on “I don’t want to attract bees.” Although really, I just don’t like any of those fake food smells.

Ethan is adorable. Dark temptation = chocolate. Oh heavens he’s so sweet.

Axe is horrible and it pains me a little that my sweet little nephew is now old enough to use that beloved favorite of teenaged boys. A friend of mine who used to teach at a middle school described the cloud of Axe that used to float out of the boys’ locker room – it sounds dreadful.

August 2nd, 2012
3:54 pm

Foody scents on people==also yuck.
Prozac, though–Prozac has been my friend for many years. I was stubborn enough to think that eventually I would just be OKAY, and not have to rely on drugs, and by SHEER WILL POWER I would MAKE myself be okay, with lots of prayers.
I was wrong.
Every time I tried to get off antidepressants, I started the long, slow spiral right back into depression and anxiety.
I have finally accepted that if I want to live anything approaching a normal, healthy life, I will be taking Welbutrin, or Prozac, or some other psychotropic drug for the rest of my life.
If I don’t, I will eventually commit suicide.
So, dear heart, keep taking the dang pill. It sucks, but it is like old age–the alternative is worse.
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Jenn Sullivan
August 2nd, 2012
9:23 pm

2 words – Diatomaceous Earth. For the scorpions. Trust me.

August 5th, 2012
6:05 am

Dark temptations/chocolate? Too, too cute!

Black widows and scorpions? There’s a reason I don’t live in the south!

I’m glad you found something that’s working for you. Personally, I think the 90′s were a pretty good decade. I mean it’s certainly better than being an 80′s cliche, right? ;-)
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August 6th, 2012
3:22 pm

Axe IS awful. Ethan made my bed smell like it this morning. i mean, points for putting on deordorant. But iiiiiiick it had to be that one, and in LARGE amounts. I hardly even have a sense of smell. And it was STRONG.

you are not permitted to EVER go off that then. EVER. and prozac is my new friend.

i believe you! i know you know your stuff. you can probably even pronounce that.

yes, now that you mention it!! although i could totally rock a jelly bracelet if the mood were right.

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