Sunday, October 7th 2012
When Life Gives You Pit Bulls…

It’s so awkward to start a post after a long break. Nothing flows. It’s worse when there’s so much to say and no real way to say it.

 

The boys got back today. Mike had taken them to Hawaii for 10 days. They’re tan and blond and jetlaggy and so they just let me snuggle them on the couch all evening until they started to drift off to sleep. SO sweet.

My mom and I have been frantically packing and  cleaning and ‘staging’ and all of those other horrid things you do when you’re suddenly quite eager to sell a house. As I am. Like NOW.  The house no longer looks like the one I’ve lived in. We moved all the big furniture out and put in smaller pieces. We de-cluttered. We gave the house a total makeover. Except the crazy painted walls. The online realty ad pics look okay, but the dining room positively GLOWS. The orange walls gleam a bit too much. Not photogenic, that orange.

While the boys were gone, my dad came out and stayed for a few days. He’s an electrical engineer. I handed him the yellow multimeter I bought on eBay and didn’t know how to use and off he happily went. He checked voltage in every electrical outlet and light switch in the house and outside also, and then he  re-wired Seth-6yr’s bedroom. It’s always been weird and wrong. Now it’s fixed. Then he fixed my broken treadmill. I’d lost the safety key thing, so he re-wired it so it would work anyway.

He replaced the spark plugs in my mower and then I immediately drove it into a muddy ditch and got stuck. The roofers on the roof across the street whooped and whistled and cheered. I ignored them and ran and got Daddy and he was THOROUGHLY annoyed with me for getting stuck there (and nice West Texans in trucks kept stopping and offering to help, and ten roofers just stopped working and watched) but he pulled me out of it and the roofers laughed and waved and cheered. I put the mower away for the day. The next day I mowed, and when we came outside, the roofers blasted a song about a crazy redneck girl. It was the only song they played for the entire three days they worked across the street. I refused to acknowledge this ‘tribute’ in any way. I am not a crazy redneck girl.  I’m a boring MOM type who just happens to drive a john deere  in a somewhat unconventional and possibly reckless LOOKING  manner. There’s a huge difference. It’s not my job to explain that to the bored roofers.

At one point we were in the garage and a stray pit bull decided to come make his presence known. I thought of everything the adorable Cesar Milan would suggest. I stood taller. Held my ground. Established boundaries, and shhhed that dog out of the garage and made him stay on the driveway. But I haven’t really watched the Dog Whisperer lately, and I’m a bit rusty and that pit bull did not really see me as the authoritative pack leader that I was trying to impersonate. He saw the depressed, endlessly divorcing and somewhat pathetic mom in the messy garage full of stuff he wanted to pee on. So he did. And he kept jumping up on me. I HATE THAT. My dogs do not do that.

My dad sat on the garage floor with a vice he’d just bought at Tractor Supply, hammering a metal piece of tractor I had seriously bent out of shape last year when I broke my hand. The pit bull licked my dad’s face. It didn’t bother him at all. To my father, this was not a threat. And to me, it wasn’t at first, either. Annoying, yes, but not a threat.  And then he got this icky pit bullish crazy-eyed staring thing going on and he started barking. This dog had the SCARIEST dog voice I have EVER heard. All pretense of being Human In Charge evaporated with about 20 of those barks aimed at me with the crazy eyed stare and I had that hot fear feeling spread over me. Any second he was going to jump on me again and rip my face off. It was imminent. Happens all the time. Pit bulls. I suddenly believed every bad thing I’d ever heard about the breed and was sure that it was going to all play out right then and there in the garage and I’d be faceless.

My father was far more interested in the misshapen metal. But I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Okay, Daddy. Dog’s really scaring me now.”  I didn’t really know what he’d do, if anything, but I needed to say it. He didn’t say anything in way of an answer, but put the tools down fast and we went in the house and shut out the threat and stayed inside where our faces would not be ripped off. Not that he seemed to think there was any sort of threat. But I did. And that was enough.

He looked out the front window and when he saw the dog and knew he wasn’t in the garage any longer, he closed the garage door and we resumed working out there without the possibility of the scary pit bull returning.

THAT is where I’ve been. And can’t say.

Hang in there with me. You know I’m terrible with analogies. But this is as close as I can get, and it may not be seamless, but let’s try it anyway.

There are seriously scary pit bulls right now. Legal ones. Personal ones. Financial ones. EVERYWHERE. And there are new ones every day. The threats may be real or may not. They’re all seeming pretty huge and scary and about to rip my face off and do irreparable harm and I’ve been trying to stand there and bluff my way through. Shh them away from me.  But then they got worse. Started barking. Coming closer. Jumping up, lunging nearer me. Feeling SO alone and unprepared for a wild eyed crazy scary pack of dogs.

This morning I cracked.

Or maybe it was yesterday. A friend texted and told me to shower and get dressed and she was picking me up but I was NOT going to sit at home. And I texted something back like, “NO. Hygiene is overrated. SCREW IT. Sitting here and crying if I want to, with nasty hair.”

She brought a movie over and ingredients to make me a bloody mary, and she tried not to stare at my hair. It hadn’t been brushed or washed in three days. We ate chocolate.

So. Maybe yesterday was the cracking.

Today was the “OKAY I”M SCARED DADDY” moment in this broken down analogy. I sat on the living room floor and freaked right on out. I’d stayed up all night trying to solve a thousand problems and failing. I was exhausted. Not going to church. Not doing anything except some really weird praying.

There wasn’t anything by way of an answer, as far as I could tell. But after I’d cried and prayed and snotted all over two very nice dogs and a cat, I was much more calm. And then I went and brushed the knots out of my hair, took a scalding hot bath, listened to Elvis sing gospel songs,  painted a closet, and counted down the hours until I got my three boys back.

These aren’t my problems to solve. They’re too big. Too scary. Too many of them. They’re not your run of the mill divorce problems, these ones. OH, but I wish.

But I’ll be okay.

I didn’t know that this morning. Not really. I would have said I’d be okay if you’d asked me this morning. But it would have been a bluff. It’s different now.

Now there’s the peace of having put down the weight of trying to be something I’m not and just let the appropriate Father take care of it.

Take care of ME.

I’m going to go stare at sleeping little boy faces. And then watch the Amazing Race. And then I’m going to sleep all night long and not try to solve anything. NOTHING. I’m just going to sleep.

That’s the new plan.

 

~hm

8 Comments on “When Life Gives You Pit Bulls…”

1
Jan
October 7th, 2012
8:55 pm

I’m glad you posted, because I’ve been worried about you. Please take care of yourself. Call me any time–ANY time–if you need to talk.
Jan recently posted..Uncle Hardy, Big Tex, and Santa Claus

2
Paige
October 7th, 2012
11:17 pm

I am sorry you are going through all these difficult things. You did a good job explaining them without explaining them. I will pray for you. I have missed hearing about your life. Sometimes I relate to what you write and other times I just enjoy hearing about how you handle things. Paige

3
Geekwif
October 8th, 2012
6:24 am

Our realtor made us paint the walls beige when we put our house on the market. So sad because they were such a pretty purple color before.

So glad you have your mom, and your dad, and your boys, and most of all your Father. Still praying.

4
Melissa
October 8th, 2012
10:16 pm

You know, I have a really bad tendency of not saying anything when I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to pry, because I know I only let things be known when I am darn good and ready. But not everyone is like me. Maybe you needed me to ask if you were ok.

I am so sorry. Good for your bloody-Mary friend. That’s awesome. God bless you girl, I am praying for you . . .

5
texasaggiemom
October 9th, 2012
12:53 pm

Kelsey–
I’ve missed reading your postings and have been thinking of you. We knew each other once upon a time when our oldest boys were little. I will continue to keep you and yours in my prayers.

6
Sara
October 10th, 2012
7:28 am

Praise God for friends who bring chocolate. :)
Will be praying about the pit bulls. Take care, Kelsey!

7
Susan
October 10th, 2012
8:19 am

Kelsey,

Glad that you posted. I had been worried about you when it had been a while. I’m sorry that life is throwing pit bulls in your path. My oldest son had a “pit-bullish” week last week and I told him to hold on to these 3 things: 1. God loves you and always will 2. Mom and Dad love you and always will 3. Bad days happen but if you just breathe and hang in there then better days are ahead. Hope that better days are coming your way and I’m glad that you have a God and parents who love you.

8
TJ
October 10th, 2012
12:33 pm

Here’s some scriptures to stand on girl…Romans 12:19…vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord.
Numbers 32:23…be sure your sins will find you out!!
Stand firm Kelsey God will reward you and take care of you!! You are the Apple of his eye! He holds you in the palm of HIS hand.
Rebuke the enemy (pitbulls) and they have to flee.. I know its hard for you to believe this right now but were all standing and praying for you!!
Glad you have your chocolate friends!!

Love ya girl

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