Unless 201 implies that there has been an increase in knowledge since I posted about Anatomy 101. And if 201 does in fact imply that, then this should be called, Anatomy 101, Remedial Review for Infuriatingly Adorable Boy Children Sorts.
Yesterday I was picking up the boys from school. It was raining, and I had two very smelly wet dogs in the car with me. We were going to my mom’s house for the afternoon and evening.
Callie, cute female black border collie type, was interested in looking out Caden-8yr’s window and seeing the raindrops trace down the glass. She clambered around and Caden-8yr yelled, “CALLIE! Please! Back UP. Your penis is, like, RIGHT in my face!”
Callie immediately retreated. Shocked, perhaps, more than I. It is extremely shocking the first time one of these boys assumes you have a penis. I’ve been there. Callie had not.
Ethan-12yr got in the car.
“Caden-8yr. Callie does not HAVE a penis,” I said.
“WHAT? WHY DID YOU THINK THAT?” Ethan-12yr turned and gave him an incredulous look.
“Why wouldn’t she? How am I supposed to know this?”
“She’s a girl, Caden-8yr. No girls have penises,” Ethan-12yr explained.
“WHAT? MOM? YOU DON’T HAVE A PENIS?!” from the previously silent Seth-7yr.
“Seth-7yr, don’t you remember? I found out that mom didn’t have a penis not too long ago and I came into your room and whispered to you about it because I thought you should know, too.”
Seth-7yr said, “Oh. Yeah. I wasn’t listening to you though. I mean, I just didn’t really hear you.”
Caden-8yr said, “WELL. I TOLD YOU SO.”
“Caden-8yr. DIDN”T YOU READ THE BOOKS? I KNOW YOU READ THE BOOKS ABOUT BODIES. WE TALKED ABOUT THE BOOKS.” I was totally losing my patience by now.
“Well, YEAH MOM, but they didn’t say anything about DOGS?! How was I supposed to know?”
Then he took a moment to assimilate ALL the girl animals that now are created completely differently than he had always assumed. My knuckles turned white on the steering wheel.
“Hey, Seth-7yr, I did read in the books about bodies that when we were born we all came out of Mom’s Thing That Would Be Her Penis If She Actually Had A Penis — I forget what it’s called, but she just can’t call it a penis because she’s a girl – we all came OUT of there. REALLY. WE DID. ALL THREE OF US.” And Caden-8yr pointed at himself and his brothers for emphasis.
And you know… I give up for now. I’ve tried. And this is where we are. This strange, strange place of Weird Ignorance, and I just am going to stay awhile. I was telling a friend – a mom of boys – about this conversation and she said, “I think my method is working a LOT better than yours.”
“You mean the one where y’all don’t discuss any of this and if you have to, you use little silly names for things?”
“YEAH. IT’S WORKING OUT WAY BETTER THAN WHAT YOU JUST DESCRIBED.”
Sigh. She’s right. There’s so much to sort out this year. We can just bump this on down the priority list.