Wednesday, May 22nd 2013
Naming Rights

There is a pair of red and navy plaid boxer shorts on the front lawn. It’s been there for a few days. I can’t bring myself to pick them up or do anything with them since I’m sure they didn’t originate in this house or with anyone we know and love.

It wasn’t until today that I gave them another thought. I was across the street with a neighbor discussing yard stuff when I pointed them out and she stated the obvious. “That’s GROSS.”

“yeah. I know. But they’re not ours.”

“NO. IT’S GROSS. THAT’S YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW THEY ARE RIGHT NEXT TO.”

OH! Yes. Right.

Ew.

Okay. I choose to still believe the wind blew them there. It’s been kinda a WEEK and there are so many big issues that couldn’t have possibly been ignored, so I’ll just let this one go.

The air conditioner has been broken since I moved in. It didn’t matter until the last month. But even THEN, I could just go outside and reach my hand down into the a/c unit and twirl the blades like a propeller and it would start. (I didn’t tell y’all that because you woulda told me to stop it. I know. But I did it for a month and i still have all my fingers. Only got caught a time or two, and nothing really bad happened – just a nick here and there.)

The air conditioner is now fixed, but there was chunk of time when I couldn’t even start it by and and it was really HOT. The plumbing broke. There was sewage in places that are normally reserved for getting clean. It was AWFUL. And it smelled like poop. And then when the a/c was broken, it smelled like HOT poop.

I sent the dogs to my mom’s. She takes excellent care of them and they repay her with dirtying her floors with muddy pawprints. The boys were already with Claude. So it was just me and a hairless cat. He gets shaved once a year, and I’m cold natured and he’s bald, so we didn’t mind the hot house too much.

but THEN one night there was a lizard. A little yellow lizard. I thought it was a toy and started to pick it up when it turned and ran and I screamed and then couldn’t sleep because EW.

And the next night I saw it in my bathtub. It was eating a cockroach. I decided I loved him and he could stay. He needs a name.

I told the plumber not to kill him if he saw him. The plumber was already mystified by the hairless cat, but he agreed.

Then one morning I stood in the bathroom and watched as the cat ran up and down the hall. The cat doesn’t normally run.

It’s a long hall with beige carpeting, and a white hairless cat chased a yellow lizard up and down the beige hall.  Then the black dog followed. She’s a border collie, and normally asleep and really zen, but if a small animal gets zippy it turns on her herding instinct. I don’t think she even saw the lizard. She just saw the cat running, and that was enough. Duke stood in the middle of the hall watching. A large, brown solid stumbling block we all kept tripping over.

Up and down the hall, the lizard, then the hairless cat, then the black dog, then me, then all of us falling on Duke and getting out of order and then getting up and trying again. I was bruised and sweaty and covered in pet hair after slamming into walls and rolling and grabbing and yelling and I have NO idea where the lizard went. I hope he made it out alive. I barely did. I was trying desperately to save him.

that was the last I saw him.

Then the pipes all got fixed and i went all bleach crazy in my bid to sanitize everything and I’m afraid there’s no way he can live here. even though he was adored. briefly.

I’ll let you know if I see him.

Til then, feel free to name him.

 

~hm

2 Comments on “Naming Rights”

1
Jeana
May 22nd, 2013
8:01 pm

I think Old Yeller is appropriate, especially considering how I’m pretty sure this ended.

2
JT
May 24th, 2013
8:37 am

This is hilarious just trying to picture of all this!! What a hoot!!
I’ll go with a girls name, Lizzy!

Leave a comment

CommentLuv badge