I was on my way home from work for lunch one day last week when I happened upon the scene.
It was the most pathetic excuse for a crime scene in action you ever saw.
One woman had her mouth wide open and NO teeth (it kinda haunts me when I think about it) and she was walking down the sidewalk digging through a not very cute black handbag.
Behind the Toothless Woman about ten yards was a woman who was following after, but only at a barely-brisk walk. Behind HER, was another woman.
The two women who were following the Toothless Thief wore ballet flats. They didn’t want to walk fast, actually get NEAR the thief (can’t blame them), or I don’t know, break a sweat or actually RUN.
I was on the phone with my mom. I said, “hang on mom. There’s a mugging going on and no one is wearing the right shoes.”
I stopped the car and asked the first of the ‘pursuers’ – and I use that term with great disgust and VERY loosely – if the first woman had indeed stolen her bag.
“Right. Okay. I’ll follow her.”
And I talked to my mom while I steered down a few alleys, looking for the Toothless Thief, who had really made good use of the fact that her targets were total wusses who wouldn’t kick off their stupid shoes and give chase.
Mom said, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU WONDER WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOUR BRACELETS?” And I really didn’t know what she meant, because although I WANTED to watch that show when I was little, I don’t think she let me because the sexed up costumes Lynda Carter wore might have been bad for me or something. I certainly do not remember bracelets. Not that I really accessorize well anyway.
“WHAT?? I’m putting the phone in my lap so I can turn down this next alley. Just hang on, mom.”
I careened down the alley in my giant white SUV with the words of Paul Simon in my head. “Who’ll be my role model, now that my role model is gone… gone…? He ducked back down the alley with some roly poly little bat faced girl…”
And my thief wasn’t bat faced (whatever that means), but she wasn’t a looker either, and there WERE alleys, and I don’t know. That’s all it took.
Unless ‘bat faced’ means it looks as if someone had taken a bat TO her face. And then, yes, she was totally bat faced.
I came back onto the main road in time to see my ballet flat wearing victims simpering and pointing and flirting it up with two men who came out of an office building. AH. Seriously? You want to be damsels in distress and flirt with men types instead of pursuing the ugly thief woman…? GOT IT. Nevermind. Your purse was icky anyway, and you didn’t care enough to run after her yourself….? I’m going home to eat lunch.
And I did.
I picked up the phone from my lap and told mom I was done, and she was like, “Really? All I heard about was how everyone involved was wearing inappropriate SHOES.”
“WELL? THEY WERE!”
If a crime happens right in front of me, I will not be able to describe the individuals. But I WILL tell you if they wore appropriate footwear and acted like they cared. That’s just the kind of eyewitness i am.